Showing posts with label Bonnie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bonnie. Show all posts

Burn Bright!

A song welled up in my spirit today and I began to weep-profusely actually-when I began to ponder it's words. Jesus went to great lengths to ransom and redeem us so that we-as His bride-who now is Life of His Life and Spirit of His Spirit because of the death, burial, resurrection AND ascension having received "a part of Himself" can now carry out His heart and His cause.


We know that darkness cannot over take light. His main modus operandi is to have HIS Light, Life and Love now shine through us. I pray that we can arise to that occasion and accept the challenge more than ever!! My heart is pricked. I Love HIM and being one with Him I now desire wholeheartedly to allow HIS portion of Light in me to shine forth more intentionally! Thank you Lord for your enablement for same. I pray that by your enablement and the equipping of your bride with promise that you would put the necessary words in our mouth to speak forth that as effortlessly as we with gratitude, celebration and joy in candlelight services lean to light the candle of our neighbor that we would lean into you and reach the broken, hurting and lost and be a catalyst for your Spirit to burn brightly in each and every one. AMEN!


Go Light Your World

By Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home
So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to
Light his own candle some other way
See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to
Still holds a candle without a flame
So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

Cause We are a family whose hearts are blazing
So let's raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
So Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

Mutual embrace

Rusty's story also is in the category of the unexplainable. I was present but unable to crossover into the realm of what was happening but what I was able to see still resonates in my memory .


After leaving critical care I became a Hospice nurse and remained so until May of 2014. Surprisingly I enjoyed this type of nursing. Certainly not because of the diagnosis that connected me to the people but because of other factors.


I had time to sit and really listen and "hear" a patient and their family should they chose to share. I was able, in a lot of instances, to help them live as much as they could while they were dying. I also could, with proper med management, alleviate most if not all of their pain and for the most part their anxieties. But the real nitty gritty stuff was the spiritual component.


Hospice provides chaplain services to all that choose to avail themselves. And sometimes they just talked to their nurse. Spiritual pain cannot be remedied by medicine. Sure I could zonk someone so that they felt nothing but this is not within the scope of nursing practice of Hospice nor would I want that decision on my shoulders.


Anyway-Rusty was mid-30's, had a lovely family and was dying of cancer. They lived in Emmitsburg MD. If you are not familiar with that town it is the "Catholic Capital" of MD as it is the site of Our Lady of Lourdes Shrine, has a Catholic College and a Catholic retirement center and nursing home.


I had ask Rusty if he would like chaplaincy services and he declined. Quite politely and charmingly nice. He was straightforward in just saying "I've never been into religion-I'm ok "


Several weeks passed and the call came "Please come-Rusty's dying."  I arrived and assessed him and the wife was right. He was in and out of consciousness and dying. Just then a van pulled up and 4 nuns emerged. I walked to the door and introduced myself and they asked could they pray for Rusty.
I asked the Mrs and she looked to Rusty and whether cognizant or not he nodded his head affirmative.


They prayed a simple prayer "Our Father...who are in heaven ...Hallowed be thy name...and when they finished, Rusty turned towards the wall-leaving us behind as it were, and began to weep profusely but not in an anguished sort of way but in an embracing sort of way saying" I didn't know--Oh God...I really didn't know....I am so sorry " and he died.


As sure as I sit here I know Rusty was communing with Our Father...who art in heaven... and it was a mutual embrace.

His Maker

Sometimes things are just unexplainable. No matter how hard we try, God just does not fit in our box. Some things I just have to file under the song sheet "We will understand it better bye and bye" and then let go.


I 'd like to share two stories from my nursing career. I can't explain either as I was not privy to know the "inner goings on" but I know for a fact in both instances that it was an encounter with man and his Maker.


I was a critical care nurse for the first 20 years of nursing. While I was working at Memorial Hospital in Cumberland, which was regional shock trauma at the time, we received a man status post motorcycle accident. He was critically injured and it became apparent very quickly that he was not going to make it. Life support was just prolonging death not life
.
The strangest thing was-the knowledge of the impending accident must have left an indelible impression on his mind because the look of horror on his face was almost grotesque. Over the course of multiple days NOTHING changed that look.


At that time it took 3 days of Caloric tests for brain death protocol to be established and it had been determined that there was no brain response at all and tomorrow morning they would pull the plug.That night (11-7 shift) he was my patient. Around 5 a.m I went in to give him a bath. As I was bathing him I began to sing "Jesus Loves Me". I cannot recall any other time that I have ever done this before or since but in retrospect I realize I was a conduit for  "HIS love reaching."

I had my back to him as I was doing his lower extremities when George, the respiratory therapist, came in the room to do vent checks etc. His immediate reaction was "Oh my goodness-what happened to him" quite emphatically, I might add.



I looked at George and said "What" and he pointed to the patient. The patient had a smile on his now relaxed face. We called the whole unit it to see as we had all been so aware of the emotional pain exhibited on this mans face.He died a couple of hours later, still smiling and relaxed. I honestly believe he was cradled in the arms of Jesus!


Next time we'll hear Rusty's story.



This is my story..This is my song..Praising my Saviour all the day long!

We all have our story and it is part of the Bigger story..HIS story.Recently I attended a funeral of the husband of one of the back-up singers for the band Longing for Eden. Longing for Eden was doing the music for the funeral.As I listened to the lead female vocalist comment on the song they were about to sing "It is well" relating snippets of things that they had been through this year and yet their stance is "Through it all-Our eyes are on you.. It is well ...with my soul.


My mind began to think of the songs this band had written on their CD "Heaven's Inside Me" and on things I knew to be true about the members. Jeanne, lead female vocalist, had a major health crisis and almost died in the last year, their house burnt almost to the ground, completely gutted and the family is still displaced. And yet the lilt of her voice carried us all to the realization that "HE" makes the difference in every circumstance and we can sing..It is Well--Oh what a Blessed Assurance!!


Gene, her husband, the bass guitarist, suffered his own physical trauma with Dr's stating he would never be able to use his arm again, but he sure can play a mean base. He wrote a song on their CD born from his pain of another set of circumstance's that deeply affected their family, quite simply stating that "Even in This" however hideous that turn of events, we will trust you and draw on your strength.


Eric,male vocalist, sings his story in Long Lost Years and how it affected him and his family and yet today his family is intact and God is opening doors for him. The band leader and guitarist Phil expressing his journey through doubts and fears of finding and laying hold of God's grace in "Heaven's Inside Me." Last fall he lost his father and I know that there are many times he plays and sings while enduring great physical pain.


The drummer and back up singer Kevin and Lydia have opened their hearts, family and home by adopting two siblings and all the rigors and changes and that go with that decision. And I could go on and on....But I'm brought back to the moment.


A now they stand there singing with their hearts broken for their band-mate and dear friend. And what are they singing?


Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me
Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

 
God is our refuge.and. strength.  an ever. present. help. in. the. time. of trouble!
 






































































































































































































































































































































Read more: Bethel Music - It Is Well Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Delays

Well, I still haven't closed, on the house, that is. Closing date was 5/6 and at the last minute a glitch.Along with ALL the other delays not totally unexpected. This is the VERY reason I have NEVER prayed for patience -HaHa .... Seriously though, for real!


And yet I find that I am discovering little rich treasures and my walk with God is re-aligning or maybe I should say I finally find myself embracing truths re: finances and His guidance in all things and other things that I have not yet labeled and it has become precious to me. Even to the point that I have, now, prayed for patience, I have slowed down and begun to THANK HIM in this phase of the journey and promised, with His enablement, that I will be content. AND I choose and want to learn what He is teaching me.

My Spring

The last couple of weeks have been interesting to say the least. Well, to me that is :)


I have been blessed with a nice home totally unexpected to me to be buying my first home by myself at my age no less. I sensed "to follow HIS lead" and here I am. Now it is a case of hurry up.....wait.......hurry up.....and wait, I said.


The painter is coming. Oh, now he can't come. But he will come soon. The carpet man came and told me how much carpet I need and his price to install. Now we are getting somewhere. But-wait-he cannot install till May 26 & 27th. The fence installer came asap-installation will be at least a month out.OK.


Waiting is not my strong suit. But you know what? I've noticed something. And I am humbled and in awe. Some things that I have prayed for to see in myself for quite a long time now I see, like tiny buds on a tree, that this situation is bringing forth. I AM learning-you Can teach an old dog new tricks! And I am thankful.....exceedingly thankful. All things work together for the good of those who love HIM and are called according to HIS purpose.


My heart brims with thankfulness for this growth spurt.



S M I L E

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes
She'll be coming 'round the mountain
She'll be coming 'round the mountain
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes-Toot toot


This is my theme song for today ....
Why you say? Thanks for asking :)


I feel as if I have been on the backside of the mountain, maybe even down in the mountain for so very long and now I'm chugging my way, via the favor of God and answered prayer, 'round the mountain. I see daylight-yeah God!


I am moving Friday the 10th. My son-in-law asked me last week where I was moving. I told him I would let him know not any later than Thursday the 9th. Because...........I did not know where I was moving. I had looked at several places but none was to be. Then I felt to BUY a place in Cumberland which is where I wanted to be. I have been waiting with baited breath for 3 weeks for an answer on the appraisal so the mortgage plans could move forward. I have known on other occasions that God is neither too early or too late just right on time.


This morning Wednesday the 8th at 8 a.m. my real estate agent called me to tell me I could move in Friday the 10th on a pre-occupation contract and we will close in 2 weeks.


I am so very thankful!! So very....very thankful!!


Addendum: To my FB family and friends-I am not telling Mom of my return to Cumberland till I have my carpets updated and some painting done. I want to surprise her-SSSHHHHH! Thank you!

It is Finished!

Today I sing with great gusto and gratitude:


JESUS PAID IT ALL-ALL TO HIM I OWE


SIN HAD LEFT A CRIMSON STAIN-HE WASHED IT WHITE AS SNOW!!!


IT.........IS...........FINISHED!!

W.A.I.T.I.N.G.

Waiting is NOT my strong suit. And most of the time it seems as if it is God's instrument of choice :)


I am waiting to move. My landlady has given me an extra week till 5/7/15 to move. I have not found a place as yet. I am a w a i t i n g  an answer to one place  and searching, I should say almost frantically, but to be honest I am at peace and that is a God thing!


I am waiting in several areas of my life so I guess I am slowly but surely growing in several areas of my life. Here's hoping!

God is good in so many ways.......

I say that "ALL things" (my emphasis) works together for those that love God and are called according to His purpose. Since getting my dog last June (which was a gift from God, that story another day) I have had to kennel her when I go to Mom's as she would not allow me to bring her there afraid she would do something to her dog. Honestly, there were times that I really resented that as it cost me money. Now I find myself in a situation that I cannot find a place that allows dogs.


When I picked "Sweetie" up last week from the kennel I asked the owner to try and help me find a good home for her and I began to cry as I explained to him my need to move and ...PETS...He teared up and left the room after telling me he would check around. He also reiterated to me how much they all love Sweetie.


Wednesday one of the workers from the kennel called me and told me that the owners said that if I provide her food, which I always do, that they will board her for free till I get moved. This will allow me the time to find the place for me AND her :) What a blessing that is and shows that God is concerned about every aspect of our lives. Thank you Jesus for this gift and bless this kennel who has a heart for animals and their owners.

A Pure vein

I was driving to western MD Wednesday a 2 hour jaunt for me and was listening to the music on Christian radio as I usually do while in the car. I stopped to run and errand and when I retuned to the car a program was on "Haven Today" and I was about to turn off the radio when I heard Charles Morris say "These are the praise songs song by the 1st church" and went on to describe the "Odes of Solomon."


I had never heard of them before, maybe you have, but he went on to say that theologians have known for centuries about the Odes and a few were found over the years. About 100 years ago a collection of them was found. Dr Charlesworth has studied the odes for years and translated them in getting his PhD and has since collaborated with John Schreiner to put the words to music. Dr James Charlesworth related that such a sense of peace and serenity was almost palpable and he wanted the music to support that.


As I began to listen to some snippets that was played of the Odes I had to pull over as I was sobbing so hard. I was struck by the words as it is words that song writers even today are writing and declaring in their praise. I was literally bowled over by the Pure Vein that has survived the test of time...the rote...and ritual...and all the religious trappings. The songs are STILL representing what God and HIS Spirit is saying and prompting to His people.


Examples:
1-Flow through me, pour out your love in me that I could show mercy....Ode 12
2-My heart was pruned and it's flower appeared -Then grace sprang up in it and my heart produced fruit for the Lord.For the most high has circumcised by heart by His Spirit, then he uncovered my inward being towards Him and filled us with His love-Ode 11
But this next one REALLY got me and the comments Dr Charlesworth shared as to the impact it had on him.
3-Behold, the Lord is our mirror. Open your eyes and see them in Him. And learn the manner of your face, then declare praises to His Spirit. Ode 13


Comments by Charlesworth:Our mirror is the Lord-Look at the Lord and see yourself. The light will dismiss all darkness in me. I then take my identity, my true identity, when I am looking into him. Not an identity that is of my emotion of the day or time frame, but I see who I really am in Him being transformed by His glory I then can understand that HE became like us so that We could become like him. Colossians 3:10 -Being renewed (or re-created) to a TRUE knowledge according to the image of the one who created him.


Now my words-I have heard the scripture quoted many times in my walk that we are "transformed by the renewing of our minds" and this is true. But sitting at the side of the road I "REALLY saw it. That until I (we) know for a fact our true identity in Him in our mind it cannot be grasped by our heart to begin to live out our identity as it will still be subject to how I see my self not who I truly AM in him-reflected in His mirror. As we believe the true knowledge of our identity then His Spirit has free rein to work in us, progressively, to narrow the gap of our inequities to His likeness. This is growing up in HIM.


A dichotomy of thought.....

The last few weeks have been interesting to say the least but then came "This week." On one hand I am reciting Charles Dickens "It was the best of times, It was the worst of times" and on the other hand I am singing "Standing on the promises of God."


I have tried for exactly one year to move back to Cumberland, my home, for several reasons. I have an aging parent there that is in good health physically but succumbing to the insidious dementia more and more on a daily basis. I also like the thought of having long-time friends and family look in on me every once in a while. This phase of my journey,here, has been lonely and isolated. I'm not complaining as it has served it's purpose-just sayin'. But the most important reason is that I believe God IS doing something great in Cumberland and it will only become more "brighter" as the darkness gets darker and I want to be part of the light there.


I came home this Monday to find a note from my landlady apologizing for the inconvenience but telling me she is moving out of the area, putting this house on the market and I will need to move by the end of the month. O.....K


But where-do I look for a place here or do I look for a place there? My job is here. Can I get a job there at my age. Then today I read a timely writing from John Ortburg about Revelations open door. And I remembered (duh) that every time I have made a move that I have prayed that prayer "Lord-if this be of you-Let that door remain open that no man can shut and if this is not of you-Let that door remain closed that no man can open." That prayer has never failed me. I must admit though, there has been a time or too that I have kicked the door open regardless of my prayer. Not a good thing.


Today I will see this closing as another door opening, I've said my prayer, I will refrain from kicking doors as I "test" the waters of the open door and see what God has in store for this old gal now.

The People of the Cross

This is an excerpt from an Ann Voskamp writing. It is relevant AND thought provoking and I wanted to share it. Only three days later, people go around with these crosses right on their foreheads.It’s only three days after the world found out that The 21 died for being The People of the Cross, three days after that incomprehensible video stated they were “chopping off the heads of those that have been carrying the cross illusion in their heads” —-that people all around the world  wear these sooty crosses right there on their faces, right above their eyes. Right there on their heads, the shaping of their minds.Like they want to be known and marked and counted as one of those. One of His.

There are these sooty crosses smudged on countless foreheads and that’s what is murmured like a brave and honest refrain around the world today, words from our Genesis beginning:Dust you are and to dust you will return. Dust. Humanity was formed of dust and our human bodies will return to dust.
Three days later people wear it like a like a courageous confession of reality: For all our beautiful bluster — we are just beautiful dust. And if I’m only dust — just my love will not be enough.If love is all we need — I’ve got a problem.Because, honest? Our love isn’t enough to absorb the evil that decapitates men’s heads, evil that rapes little girls, evil that steals and sells children as sex slaves.
There’s real active evil that’s not simply people acting — there’s real evil that’s more than a social construct, that’s more than someone’s bad choices, that’s not from any heart in this world, that’s not from any place in this world, that’s not from any mind in this world — there’s a supernatural evil that slithers into the corners of this world and pythons around hearts and minds until it strangles out the light and we scream against the dark.
At some point — your Love runs out, and You need a Love larger than your own to Love Larger than evil. The only Love that can crush undeniable evil is the undeniable love of the Cross. When you’re just dust — your love alone will not be enough.Super evil can only be absorbed by a supernatural kind of Love.
The kind of love that sings Kumbayah can’t shake a swaying candle at this kind of otherworldly evil — only an otherworldly Love that lets the hammer ring and took on the iron of the nails, that bore the weight of the world on that Cross, can torch straight through the hellish dark of this kind of evil.
Sometimes your heart can’t love— which is exactly why Jesus offers you His.
Our love will eventually fail and leave somebody outbut Cross love never fails to take all the willing in. His Love has no boundaries — and then He binds all the beloved to Him, to shape them to be like Him. And He knows the only way for your love to be transformed to be like His — is for Him to give you a heart transplant. For Him to give you His heart.
When you don’t think you can forget the evil that’s been done —When you don’t think you can forgive the evil that’s been said —When it’s His supernatural heart beating in you — it lets you supernaturally love in a heart beat. Those 21 men didn’t die for Kumbayah love — they died for the love they found on a Cross.
If evil — not people acting, but real active evil — is out to behead us, then Kumbayah love will never be enoughonly Cross Love that willing offers itself for us as a Living Ransom will rescue us.
Because don’t ever be fooled: Cross Love that lays itself down is the only power that can lay the sharp edge of an axe right into evil’s head. It comes back to me a thousand timeshow a missionary told of this snake— a snake longer than a man—that slithered its way right through their front door and straight to the kitchen.And the woman had flung outside screaming and a machete-wielding neighbor had calmly walked into her kitchen and he sliced off the head of the reptilian thing. But a snake’s neurology and blood flow make it such that it slithers wild even after it’s been sliced headless.For hours the missionary stood outside.
And the body of the snake rampaged on, thrashing hard against windows and walls, destroying chairs and table and all things home and good.A snake may wreak havoc — but it has no head. It’s really dead. Evil can go around beheading — but it’s the thing that has no head. Even if the tail still rampages, the snake’s head is crushed.
Only the undeniable love of the Cross can crush undeniable evil. Maybe now is the time that there will be countless thousands of us who we will bend our knees at the great shores of history and let ourselves be counted as The People of the Cross.On an Ash Wednesday, The People of the Cross repent of wanting to be greatly known for anything other than for loving greatly.
On an Ash Wednesday, the People of the Cross repent of a love and life that does anything less than “Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.”
The People of the Cross repent of not daily, relentlessly, extravagantly loving our neighbour next door though we keep saying we want to change the world, repent of hating, avoiding, and dreading suffering though we say we want to be found worthy to suffer for the cross of Christ.
The People of the Cross repent of not dying to dead things so there can be resurrection in us of real things, 
On an Ash Wednesday, it’s happening in quiet, unseen places and churches and cubicles, this quiet bending of the knee in a thousand places today, a bending with The 21, and these murmured prayers of The People of the Cross:
God, forgive us for our lack of prayer, because the very root of our lack of growth is almost always a lack of prayer.
Forgive us for more interest in the paparazzi, motion pictures & famous personalities and People Magazine than in praying for The Persecuted Church.
Forgive us for our lavish church building plans, instead of our plans to love lavishly as a church, forgive us for not serving the outcast but serving the outcast notice to go further away... 
Forgive us for not loving our enemies otherwise known as our brothers -- and for turning those who were known as our brothers into our enemies and forgive us for wanting safe lives of comfort instead of living dangerous lives of love that speak of the comfort found in You.
On an Ash Wednesday, The People of the Cross just get down on their knees and say it through cracks in their broken hearts: 
There’s a love that murmurs on a thousand lips of The People of The Cross:
May The 21 who actually died for their faith, compel countless thousands of us to actually live
Maybe three days after, there’s a whole lot of us longing for a 40-Day journey through into something more — more than we ever have before. Maybe because the world feels more like a strange wilderness that it ever has before. Libya. Iraq. Paris. Denmark. Here.
The last seven days of global news may have CNN headlining, rightly or wrongly, as “Religion’s Week from Hell” — but the People of the Cross can look away from the headlines long enough to know:

What if 40 Days we looked to the Cross — so we might become Cross Love in a world caught in the cross hairs of war and heartache and pain?
What if we, for 40 Days, what if The People of the Cross looked to the Cross and prayed 1 Samuel 7:3 at 7:03? "If you are returning to the Lord with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods...and commit yourselves to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out..."
And what if for the next 40 days we prayed repentance and redemption and revival and for The Persecuted Church and for the Church that is us, praying every morning and said our Amen with 2 Chronicles 7:14 : "If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
What if we really committed to that kind of prayer for the next 40 days at 7:03? ... till 7:14?
What if the next 40 days is asking The People of the Cross to do more than Give Up something — but to Take Back something? Take Back taking up our Cross-Take Back our time so we can turn back to our First Love,
Take Back our hypocrisy and our complacency and our apathy and Love Lavishly,
Take Back our excuses for not committing to Give Back every day in some tangible, real way — to the local food bank, to a woman’s shelter, to the refugees and the foreigners and the Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists and to the forgotten neighbour next door with her meowing stray cat.
Maybe now is the time — Now is the time to Take Back what it means to humbly and genuinely live the love of The People of the Cross.

Some things I've learned

I arrived back in MD barely functional but life has to go on. I literally vacillated from pain to numbness and eventually only felt "dead" inside. I called Robert several times with no answer.The last time he did answer the phone and told me that he had quit his job, that he could barely get out of bed to brush his teeth, And that if he EVER came to the conclusion that the pastor was wrong that he would come for me. We never spoke again..


 I did not go to church for quite a while. I heard on the radio about a new church that had opened up in our area and one morning I decided to go there-Love's Way was the name. When I entered the Pastor and his wife were coming down the aisle. They stopped and introduced themselves to me and both hugged me at the same time. I felt the love of God personified and when I responded to it the dam broke.


There were a group of believer's there that had a Christian crisis center in a neighboring town called Sonrise farms. The next Sunday the director came over to me, put her arms around me, and invited me to  the farm. It was there over many weeks period that I began to unpack. One day I was sitting on the porch looking over the beauty of the farm and I was lamenting that Robert did not stand up for me or truth that I heard God say ever so gently "I know what it is like to be rejected also." The last of the reserve began to crumble and I was back on speaking terms with God again after dialogue re: His rejection. He also reminded me that he does not violate our free will. His plan WAS for Robert and I and he is committed to our destiny. HE is the constant, we are the variables.




For several years I looked for Robert to come for me; then I learned he had taken his own life.Oh-NOOOO-R-o-b-e-r-t-!!  It took years for the roller coaster ride of emotions to stop but finally because of many people caring taking their time with me, and counsel, by the grace of God I was able to finally get a grip and begin to stabilize. I am exceedingly thankful to all!



Over the years I have experienced the faithfulness of God that is known only by relationship. I have known his mercy, grace,goodness and loving kindness, His favor and enablement and the list goes on. While I was pondering the writing of this story  I saw something anew and it broke my heart. I loved Robert, really loved him. And then I saw a glimpse of how much God loves us, a love that is "so much more" and  he stands there, Waiting..... arms open wide, life proffered.......and I sensed such a DEEP longing from him......yet many....of their own free will.... do not come to receive Him or His pardon and love. And  saint and sinner alike do not trust Him with their lives, their future or His guidance at times. Forgives us Father!!


 I know that no matter where life takes us-HE is there and that HE cares! even to the brink of hell-HE IS THERE! I know that for maturing and growing in Him we need the whole body, that is, Christian community. I also believe that  errant leaders are God's business. Amen

Page 2.... as Paul Harvey would say

So.......moving right along :) I moved back to Texas the first of June that year and Robert and I spent the summer getting to know each other better. We talked with our  Pastor there, who was also the President of the bible school re: getting married. He counseled us and prayed with us and gave us his approval. We were married the beginning of September and started our life together.


We had great fun together going to flea markets and antique stores morphing his bachelors pad into our home. Robert developed a taste of owning primitive antiques and as that was my love as well we enjoyed our time of looking, sometimes buying, learning to refinish and restore and life went on.


Over the next months we continued to live life together as we allowed God to work out the kinks. Then there was a major downfall of the Pastor at our church. This was devastating especially to Robert. During the 1st year of school he had made the decision to move to Ft Worth so he gave up his apartment and bought this home. This decision was mainly because he loved the church there and what God was doing through his people. And then there was a split...sheep scattered....things changed. We had been married just a year when this occurred.


Robert and I began to "church hop" looking for a new church home. One of the places we visited was a small church which had a woman Pastor and Robert really liked several aspects and decided that this is where he would like to call home. As I dearly loved Robert it was ok with me. Quite a change from where we had worshipped but....moving right along.


After we had been there several weeks the Pastor gave us a membership application. I had no clue that this was the beginning of the end for me. We filled them out and turned them in and that was that.


Several weeks later Robert changed-Drastically. He became morose, would not talk to me nor tell me what was wrong even though I pleaded with him. He moved into the other bedroom. I was at my wits end and then he came home from work one day and told me I had to leave. Nothing I said could persuade him to change his mind. I begged him to at least tell me what was wrong as I am beginning to pack and informed him I would NOT leave until he talked to me. I cannot describe the pain I felt-I could barely navigate.


He told me the Pastor had called him and asked him to come in for a meeting. And in that meeting she pulled out our membership applications and pointed out that I had been married before I married him. She proceeded to tell him that if he stayed married to me that we would both go to hell. She believed that since I had been divorced there was no way that I should ever re-marry. She knew none of the circumstance of the divorce nor did she bother ask. Robert believed her. HE.   BELIEVED. HER.


I reminded him of our supernatural encounter on the bridge and what God had said to  me....I reminded him that he was convinced God had told him to marry me...I reminded him that we submitted ourselves to the Pastor and he gave his approval. Nothing penetrated.


I left. Driving across country I could only drive for a couple of hours then I would get a motel and lay in a fetal position and cry till I could not cry any more. Life was bleak-I no longer had Robert and I felt like God had set me up.I was extremely hurt and angry at both of them. I had no where to turn.


To be continued.......

Through it all

 I heard a tribute program last Saturday for Andre Crouch. They had interviewed him back in early 2000 and he was telling various stories as to his different songs. He shared some painful things that happened that led to  this song "Through it all" . He said his father told him "Andre-If your songs do not somehow speak of God's provision and strength then all you are doing is singing the blues." I know we have all heard this song at one time or another but his words are also my words. He has brought me through a lot. I've learned lessons I would have never learned otherwise and I've learned things about God's character that I would have not known except by way of the valley.

 I've had many tears and sorrows-I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation- God gave me blessed consulation,
that my trials come to only make me strong

 Chorus
Through it all- through it all- I've learned to trust in Jesus- I've learned to trust in God.
 Through it all- through it all- I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Verse 2
I've been to lots of places- I've seen a lot of faces- there's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my lonely hours- yes, those precious lonely hours-Jesus lets me know that I was His own

Chorus

 Verse 3
I thank God for the mountains- and I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem- I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do




Now for my last Texas story-it's a sad but true story. But in contemplating even writing this story I saw something I had never seen before which I will share when I wrap it up.


The 1st sunday we were in Texas I told my children "As soon as I finish praying this morning we will drive around Ft Worth and discover our new town."  Ever since I had become a Christian my prayers included asking God for a "Godly mate.


Ft Worth has an East-west interstate-I-30 and a North-south Interstate I-35 and also a loop around the city-1-20. As our apartment was right off I-20 we started west and my intention was to drive till we saw something interesting. We had only gone about 2 miles when I had a strong sense to get off here and here happened to be Hulen. I had never been to Ft Worth  and knew no one there except my Pastors daughter and had not been to see her as yet. So we were just driving and looking.


As I am driving on Hulen now-headed towards downtown Ft Worth we had to stop at a stop sign. In front of us was an overpass over I-30 and a man walking towards us on that bridge. When he got close I heard the words "Here is your mate" What? Now what do I do? I rolled the window down and asked him as he passed by us "Sir-do you know anywhere we can get some ice cream?" (Do I propose now-what?) He proceeded to tell me how to get to "The Back Porch" which made wonderful home made ice cream . I thanked him and he walked off. I sat there a few seconds till cars started blowing their horns at me and I drove on.


Oh my goodness-that was weird. So we went and had ice cream and that was that. The next day classes started. I arrived to my first class, sat down, looked around, and the gentleman sitting to my right was the "ice cream" guy. I couldn't breathe. His name was Robert Tuller and he had come from Ottumwa Iowa to this school as I had come from MD. I reminded him of the directions from yesterday and said "How uncanny is this?" and he just chuckled.


Over the next 2 years he asked me several times to study with him during study hall and we seemed to enjoy each other's company but never one time did he ask me out. I found out he was my age and had never been married. Different times in this time frame he would recommend a book for me to read and there were times I reciprocated. The night of our graduation banquet, after spending over and hour in the prayer room prior asking God "Whats with this?" because I knew the next day I would be leaving for home. At the banquet I walked up to him and very nonchalantly said "Robert-here's my address and if you ever get back east look me up." He said "Thanks" and now that really was it.




A few months later I received a book in the mail from Robert. I read it, wrote back comments, sometimes sending a book to him, and this pattern continued for almost a year. I didn't tell him but this is when I decided to go back for a visit which I wrote about recently. I asked my girlfriend not to tell him or anyone I was coming. I had no ulterior motive I just knew I had to go.


The church was huge. But I had only been there a few minutes when "He" walked up to me saying "When I walked in here this morning I knew you were here-I could sense your presence." Whew---shiver me timbers. He asked me to sit with him which I quickly relayed to my friend who was saving a seat for me. After church he asked if we could go somewhere and get something to eat? But of course. I didn't want to be a total jerk so asked my friend if she would mind and she is shaking her head no with a big grin on her face.


We had a long lunch and then he inquired if I could "come over" tomorrow evening explaining to me where he lived. I agreed as I was also telling him I was only here for 2 more days and needed to spend at least a day with my friend which he understood.


When I went the next evening I was blessed. He owned a small but nice home on a knoll overlooking the lights of North Ft Worth and only 2 miles from North Ft Worth stockyards. Just really nice. It was a breezy May evening and we sat in the yard and chatted for a while. Then he said "Bonnie -I would like to marry you. God told me right after you left that I was to marry you and I have given it much thought. You will be responsible for this and I'll be responsible for this......and he proceeded to lay it all out and I could tell that he had given it much thought. I had to laugh about some things but it just endeared him to me. I said "Yes."


When I left I promised him that I would go home, work out a notice and move back to Ft Worth. I knew that I could move back in the townhome with my friend till we married.


To be continued......

Whatcha' doin?

I remember when we went back to Ft Worth for the 2nd year of school. Right across from the church and school a builder had built multiple townhomes in his 1st phase and had defaulted or went bankrupt or something, anyway the church bought the whole lot. Some they sold to church couples or families and some they turned into student housing. I moved in to one such townhome which was shared with another single lady and her son.


I noticed after school my son made a bee line for his friends who were out in a large vacant area behind the townhomes and would play till dark or Mom's started calling for their kids which ever happened first. I asked my son one evening "What are you guys doing out there?" He said "Gigging rats" I said "What" to which he replied "Gigging rats." I proceeded to tell him not ever to do that again and explained to him how dangerous that could be.


A couple of evenings later I saw the huddle of boys there again. I called to my son who either ignored me or could not hear for whatever reason so I started walking toward them. Eventually he saw me and came running to me. I told him in no uncertain terms to "march it to the house boy" and booted his rear a couple of times for emphasis. Boy-was he mad at me.


Once inside the house he told me "You embarrassed me in front of my friends." I told him I was sorry but someway....somehow....I have got to get you to understand that gigging rats can be dangerous. One could run up your pants leg and bite you and they carry all kind of disease. And he said "Mom-we weren't gigging rats." I responded that I was really sorry-I thought you were that's why I came. And I am genuinely sorry that I embarrassed you in front of your friends, and I mean it."


By the way "What were you doing out there?" Mom-We were teasing scorpions." AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!



God knows Everything!

My friend Terri recently wrote encouraging us to share our stories that become part of His-story which brought something to my mind. As we are not all cookie-cutter people we never know what part of any story God can use to reveal Himself to another.


About a year after I moved back to MD from Texas (I still have a couple more Texas stories to share, just taking a little side trip :) anyway-I had just bought a new-good-used car and was taking my two older girls and making a trip back to Ft Worth to visit. A lady that I worked with, a single Mom, was having some pretty serious difficulties with her one teenage son. Her brother and family lived in Texas not to far from Dallas and she inquired if there would be anyway I would consider taking him with us to her brothers. She felt that this might help for him to be in a family with a father figure present and he had agreed to go but she wasn't sure how to get him there then she heard about my trip.


I agreed for him to go. About an hour east of Indianapolis Indiana I developed a steering problem, or so I thought. When I pulled onto the berm and got out of the car I saw that my right front tire had literally come apart and was hanging by the steel belts. I drove real slow to the next exit, not even knowing if the tire would make it. I had asked the girls to pray and we prayed for God to help us get to where we could get a tire. The young man asked why we did that and as I drove my daughters were explaining to him how God takes care of us.


At the next exit I pulled into a gas station they looked at the situation, tried through multiple phone calls to locate that size tire but to no avail.  There was nothing else at this exit and I ventured back on the highway and road the berm for another 10-12 miles. At that exit there were 2 services centers, same story. The last man told me "Ma'am-if you take this road here about 3 miles into the little town there is a Firestone store and most likely they can help you." When I pulled up to the service door of the Firestone store the remaining air went out of the tire. The man looked at it-found a tire-they put a tire on-charged me $200 and some odd dollars.


The kids and I got back in the car and I am lamenting the fact of the cost but thankful for the tire. I know NOTHING about tires but the thought came to my mind and would not let go "Did they check the tread wear?" I had no clue what that even meant but felt compelled to ask. I stopped the car and went back inside and asked that question. They looked a tad perturbed at me but said they would check. I saw them conversing among themselves and finally the manager came out and said they needed to put the car back in the bay. When I inquired as to why he stated that "when we checked the tread wear the one man noticed that this tire was on the recall list for the belts separating and that as all 4 tires were Firestone tires  that all 4 tires would be replaced with new ones and they refunded all my money. Thank you Jesus. The atmosphere in the car went from asking to praising--our God--that is.Needless to say we were thankful on so many levels and this set the stage for many God stories to be shared along the way.


We dropped "the boy' and went on our way. When I got back to work Mom told me that her brother was surprised that "son" agreed to go with them to church so readily. I resigned shortly after that and lost touch.About 10 years ago I bumped into his mother in Walmart and when I inquired as to how her son was doing she said "Bonnie-you won't believe this but became a christian in Texas. He is doing so good!He now has a small church he Pastors down in South Carolina and is doing very well."




God knows about tread wear and he knows that there is a young man speeding west in a Pontiac Granville with new tires straight into the arms of his heavenly Father. Pretty soon he will have his own stories to tell :) Some plant.....some water...and God gives the increase!

"It's a putter"

I have shared a couple of stories that go back many moons. Prior to accepting Christ in my life and going to Bible college within a year after I was a rank sinner, giving it my best shot. It is only the mercies of God that I lived to tell my story and I am not being dramatic-that is the truth.


I have a few more stories to tell about this time of my life in Bible school and then I'll move on. It is as fresh to me today almost as when I was living it. Although we had classes on the Pentatuch,Major and minor prophets, Psalms, the Gospel shared by Matthew, Mark ,Luke and John, the Epistles and Revelation etc it was introductory and not in depth. We had homiletics and Hermeneutics, Biblical History so on and so forth,  The main emphasis of this college was the spiritual aspect and it set the tone for my walk with God.


We learned how to lower the threshold of our yielding point to Him.We were taught about hearing the voice of God. I've got two funny stories about that to share. The first about the teacher-Rev. Cisco. He was sharing his own personal venture into "hearing God's voice." So he decided that at random times when he didn't have a clue-he would ask God to tell him the time as  an introductory lession of "Knowing" it was God.


He related how multiple times he would cover his watch with his hand, ask God the time, then thinking of a time looked and nope-that was not it. This happened periodically over a course of weeks. One night, in the middle of the night, he sat bolt right up in bed out of a deep sleep-heard "It's 3a.m. and sure enough it was 3 a.m. :)


I was doing private duty with a Dallas merchandiser who was recovering from a stroke. I took care of him in his luxurious lake home-what a beautiful setting. Anyway-I had also been praying to know the voice of God. As I walked out into the kitchen I noticed there was a golf club of some sort sitting in a corner. I picked it up and asked-"What kind of a club is this"? Before my patient could answer I heard "It's a putter"...soon my patient said the same thing. I went into the pantry and just giggled to myself. God has such a sense of humor!







Moving to Texas

So-meanwhile back at the ranch :) I had two - four weeks to pack up, sell stuff, give away other stuff , send in an application for acceptance to the College and move. I moved our personal belonging and myself and 4 children in with my parents till time to leave for Texas. I was so confident that I was doing "God's will" that I never doubted that I would be accepted and I was not wrong.


That 10 days at my parents were interesting. Now I feel like I must add a disclaimer of sorts. I have always had a good work ethic and was a "giver" not ever expecting anything in return. My parents were not pleased ,of course, that I was moving the children 1300 miles away without already having a place to move them into there, with a job lined up etc etc etc. I understood their concern.


One night before going to sleep I lay it all before God and ended my prayer with "God someway somehow let them know that this is your will."  In addition to the given uncertainties I had $500 with which to start this adventure after paying off my home and a few other loose ends. I had such an assurance in my heart that God was in control that this did not deter me. My mother was beside herself. I knew it was not comforting for her to hear that I was going (which meant taking her grandchildren) even if I had to wait for God's provision from place to place going across country. I had seen his hand in marvelous ways in the recent past and believed with  a faith that only comes from him.


My last night there I was in the bedroom when someone knocked on the door. I answered it. A man asked if my father was home, I informed him he was and that I would get him. I called to my dad in the lower level family room that someone was at the door for him and I went back to the bedroom.


A short while later there was a knock on the bedroom door and there stood my parents with tears running down their face. The man at the door had said to my father "I was praying and your daughter came to my mind. Is she going to Bible school"? Dad answered "yes." The man went on to say that "God put it on my heart to pay her way and handed them an envelope." If this would have come from my friends or even church people I am convinced that it would have not had the impact that this interaction provided. Not only did they sense that it was God's will from this most unlikely source but then the provision was right there in there hand as well.


God had been so mindful of us all. The man had asked for my parents even though I was standing at the door. I do not know all that was said but I do know that God ministered to them in that meeting.


There was enough in that envelope to get us to Texas, pay my tuition and books and to get an apartment and have food and gas till I got my 1st pay. What a mighty God we serve!!!! I was exceedingly thankful!


I found an apartment and was able to move in my first day in Ft Worth-a Friday. Ft Worth being a multi-college area one could rent the apartments either furnished or unfurnished. I rented furnished of course. The furniture company was there so quickly I thought for sure they spend their day "circling" the apartment complexes-haha.


Next I bought the Sunday paper and spread it out on the table and looked at all the nursing jobs and told God "You know which one is for me...please.... I ask that you direct my steps and I again am thankful." Monday I went to the one that seemed to "stick" out to me and was hired on the spot.


One of the nurses that I worked with there became a good friend and she told me one time "Bonnie, if you ever write a book you will have to write it as fiction because no one will believe all these things that happen to you :) She saw a few of them first hand herself.


My boast is in the Lord and in Him alone do I place my trust!