Grateful


Since my health took a nose dive at the end of August I have struggled some days with the smallest of tasks. There have been days that I could barely get from the bed to the couch. When I could muster up the energy to take a shower, I did it sitting down. I had to rest between getting dressed and drying my hair. Makeup was too exhausting. Walking across the room made me sweaty and shaky. The sound of my heart pounding in my chest kept me awake at night.
  After being on a heavy duty medication regimen for 3 weeks, I am finally beginning to see some improvement. Numbers for vital signs and blood counts are shifting closer to normal. Energy is coming back in short doses. I am feeling grateful for little things that I usually didn't give thought to.....like being able to walk across the room without fainting, run the vacuum, make my bed, take my kids to school, pick up groceries, and put laundry away.
   I have been blessed over and over again by my parents and other family member as well as friends who have jumped in to help me. I have had laundry washed, rooms cleaned, kids taken to appointments, food brought by, and dishes cleaned up. I have had accommodations made for me. I have had people call me, text me, and visit me. I am overwhelmed at the prayers and words of encouragement that have been spoken to me and for me. My kids have even stepped up at times to help with cleaning, cooking, and laundry.
   I am so very grateful for every kind gesture, every positive word, and every beautiful person that I have encountered over the past month. I am grateful for every minute that I don't feel sick.....for every hour that I don't crash and have to nap....for every work shift that I am able to complete.....for every task that I have the energy to tackle.....and for the hope that all of this is temporary.




One Little Thing

We moved something like a month ago, and everything is everywhere. I am beginning to see counter space, but every room has me singing that classic Sesame Street song, "One of These Is Not Like The Others." Even things that I've previously sorted have to be removed to someplace else when other storage options are discovered or created. It makes for seemingly limitless reasons not to work on my regular work.
At first the excuse that if I just plowed in now, I'd make such a difference it would be worth delaying things for. Now that it's about one drawer or one bin, I think to myself, "It's just one more bin. It won't take long." And it doesn't. And neither does the next one. Or the next one. Or the next one.
Having an orderly house matters, and this house delightfully repays all attempts at bringing order, but my daily work of homeschooling, writing, studying and above all prayer is important and should be non-negotiable. It is time for me to recognize and enforce that one of these chores is not as important as the others.

Before I Go



Before I Go
Let me Learn
I want to know Your Heart
The intricate journeys of the mind
The endless possibilities
Let me Feel
Sunlight to face the Shadows,
The warmth of Love in human eyes
The embrace of Life itself
Let me Grow
To reach Out and lift Up,
 To flourish in Kindness
To bloom With
For I am not Alone
Let me Laugh
For Joy cannot be Silent
And my imperfection is no Barrier
To You
And Life can be Hilarious
As I began,
So I must end
Until I Go
Until I fly into Your Arms
Forever
Let me Love
And Never
Let me Go

Have Mercy-by Paul Hansell

Many years ago my father was confronted with a situation that required a choice, a hard choice. This poem he wrote was his decision in the midst of the circumstance. Many times we/I must choose HIS way instead of our way as we no longer represent ourselves but Him and His kingdom!

Have mercy unto me he cried-I looked at him and grinned
How could I have mercy -When it's plain to see he'd sinned

Have mercy unto me he cried-I looked; in manner high and sultry
How can I have mercy-He's been taken in adultery

Have mercy unto me he cried-His breath was strong with drink
Have mercy on this drunken fool-Well I don't hardly think

Have mercy unto me she cried-I've sold myself that's true
Well I don't think the Lord and I-Could forgive a wretch like you

Have mercy unto me I cried-As before the Lord I fall
Jesus answered-How can I-When you've had none at all.

Core?

     My husband and I have come to the conclusion that our being in two states, dictates that we cyber-home-school our daughter Sarah. Sarah is doing the Florida State approved Core curriculum. I know first hand what she is learning. So far, it's not horrible. The math is seriously confusing though. I say this after having been in a public school myself. Math now, comes naturally to me because I use it all the time in my job as an office manager for a doctor, but when I was in school, I struggled.
    I know that every Christian organization in America has issues with this Core stuff. So I went into this with a tainted view point. Thankfully, my husband made me look at the overall picture and my wonderful cousin, who has a teaching degree and knowledge of the core curriculum, said, "it's OK". The math is different, no joke. They tried to put it in it's simplest term for those who had a hard time grasping the concept. It frustrates we who can skip a few steps. However, those that do not fully understand it, well, it may be helpful. That's just my personal viewpoint.
    It's that way with God. You may be asking, what? How does this curriculum have anything to do with God? Well, if you get right down to it, God controls everything on this planet. God, has a purpose for everything He does and allows. Now, we may fuss and bother about what this world does to us, because we Christians are not of this world, and in some cases we should do so, but it's best to have some reference point as to what those of this world are talking about.
    My point is this, it is a good idea to have some knowledge of what others are dealing with in school, and in general, even if it doesn't connect with our personal belief system overall. I am passionate to the point of being overbearing at times about what the word of God says, no joke! However, in the desire of understanding what others are trying to say, and having the ability to intelligently speak to them, if we have a point of reference in order to connect with them, we may win them to Christ. The bible says to be as wise as a fox but as innocent as a lamb. Understanding what someone else is saying has it's merits, even if we don't agree, at the Core.

Mean

 This morning started off like every other morning.... fighting with my daughter to get her to get ready for school. I was still irritated from last night due to kids not respecting boundaries or following house rules. I would like to tell you that I "Let it Go" and handled everything in a gracious and loving way, but I would be lying.
   I blew it. Again......
  My husband told me flat out that I was being mean. I wish I could say he was wrong, but he is right. I have allowed daily stresses with challenging children to suck the kindness right out of me. I see every negative thing while the positives have to be pointed out.
  I want to blame it on the kids. I mean....if they would just listen.... I want to blame it on my husband.  I mean... if he would just do this instead of that...... I want to blame it on my recent health crisis. You know....if I felt better.... If this one hadn't run away... If that one hadn't got in trouble.... If there was more money in the bank..... If she was more organized.... If they pitched in and helped more.... If the dogs hadn't torn out the trash.... If the house was clean..... If the stove and dryer worked properly.... If....If...If....
  The truth is..... I am letting little things become super sized, and instead of unleashing my cares and frustrations to God, I am spewing them out on my family. This is NOT the legacy I want to leave for my children. This is NOT giving my husband any incentive to spend time with me. This is NOT how I want to be perceived.
   God, please help me to lay down the stresses and speak to my children with kindness. Please change my outlook and my attitude. Help me to believe that when You said that You work all things together for good... You meant it! Help me to trust You. Help me to allow You to work in and through me. Help me to be a blessing to my family and friends....and when I feel like I am about to blow a gasket, please help me to.....



Torn

At the moment I am in awkward place in my parenting. I believe strongly in good medical care. This is because we have been spoiled with great medical care, and I can't imagine life without it. Or, I couldn't. One of my top priorities was to get my kids settled with a doctor. It isn't easy to find doctors who are willing to work with a family as large as ours, so I was very grateful to find a clinic that had room for most of us. When I arrived I was handed a page covered front to back with questions that ranged from nosey to in my opinion, rather improper for my teens. Furthermore, the doctor, whom i had never met, would be discussing these questions with my kids. I was told there would be no ducking it, so I left, and skipping future doctor visits was on the table.

It is at least partly legal, and many doctors are doing it to give children in abusive homes a place to speak up. I'm offended by the whole thing. I was at the clinic because I take good care of my kids, and I was being treated like a suspect. My children would be exposed to information they don't need, because they are loved and sheltered. Their education about these matters can wait for an appropriate time.
The only thing that keeps me from going nuclear, is the thought of a kid who isn't so lucky. A kid who needs that stray physical to ask for help. The procedure is in definite need of fine tuning, but if it saves kids like the ones Jeanne cares for, then I will find a way to make it work. I'm looking for a doctor of like mind, and I think my kids can endure talking about issues other kids are living.
This is a major change for me. When I gave myself permission not to care about the least of these, I took a good look in the mirror. I'm still going to be the mom. I'm still going to get in there every way I can, but I'm not going to shut the door on a child who might need it. 
Sometimes you have to accept suffering.

Rain in the Desert

Image from: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ot-4Iu_blp8/TjDoEKmRgTI/AAAAAAAAAng/C-s2kxDK0UU/s1600/Desert_Storm_Tucson_Arizona_1280x960.jpg



Rain in the Desert
 

I Thirst
My parched spirit awaits
Your Rescue
Bleak is my world
Until You
Come like the Ultimate Storm
Wash away my sins
Obliterate my pain and failures
Clean with You, let me Feel
Each droplet of Grace
Tiny, Significant Goodness
Changing Everything!
Gently moving mountains
Planted firmly in You,
Let me Grow
I cannot help but Flourish
For He has loved even me
My Constant Redeemer,
You Were, and Are, and always Will Be
Rain in the Desert
 

Seasons


It seems that a lot of my thought life and emotions has been given over the last years of just getting to "my season"-the season of fulfillment, of walking fully in the promises of God etc etc etc
This week I was privileged to hear a Pastor speak on this subject and after I repented and surrendered it all-I saw the beauty and the wisdom of the Word and felt it was worth sharing.

He was saying that  Every season has it's struggles AND it's strengths. But when we are always looking forward to another time or season it is so easy to miss the lessons ,and  strengths  that this season will produce.

He also shared a testimony of Isaac Houghton of Israel and New Breed who told of a time when he had written a song that spoke of waiting for his season of fulfillment. Isaac said that God spoke to him and shared that this WAS his season of fulfillment. That the season we are in-If we embrace it-will equip us for the receiving of God's total plan for our lives.

Pastor went on to read the scripture "He makes everything beautiful in it's time. And while I believe that in God's timing if I am faithful that the finished product of the process will be beautiful, I also saw the fact that when we are present in THIS season and set the tone of it with our words and attitude that every season of our journey will produce a beauty that only THIS season can produce.

 St Ignatius stated-"The glory of God is man fully alive!" My desire is to live FULLY alive!! Lord-I choose by  your enablement-to allow you to shape me into your likeness by every time and season in which you place me. I am believing that this is a step by step-from-victory-to-victory-from-glory-to glory fashioning of us to be fully alive. Thank you Jesus!!!!!

Welcome, Bonnie!

It is with great pleasure that I introduce the newest Shepherd's fish: Bonnie Locke.  Bonnie is a self proclaimed road warrior, which has led her on many adventures.  She works as a nurse, and has worked with many of the top physicians over the years.  She is a mother, a grandmother, and most importantly, a lover of God.  

I first met Bonnie years ago when I began attending the church where she was leading worship, but it has only been in the past several years that I have become better acquainted with her, and I have had the privilege of watching an amazing transformation take place before my very eyes as she has allowed the grace of God to flow in and through her.  Where I once saw brokenness, I now see healing taking place.  I have seen the love of God place a glow on her face and a passion in her heart that cannot be quenched.  I have watched her as she has walked through difficult times with grace and dignity, and she has journeyed with us through some painful life events as well, and has lifted us up and encouraged us with her words, her deeds and her prayers.

It is the words of encouragement that Bonnie has shared with my husband and me, and also with the band, that inspired me to nominate her to become a Shepherd's fish.  The Lord has given her some really awesome words, visions and insights, and I really felt that more people should be able to read about them, and where better than through the Shepherd's fish?  So welcome Bonnie!  We are so glad to have you join us on this journey, and we are looking forward to reading what the Lord lays on your heart, and it is our hope that you will find encouragement for your soul in these posts as well!   

Molding Process

    Earlier in life, I overly concerned with my appearance. I mean vain. I still like to look nice, but I have outgrown the need to have a Louis Viton hand bag dangling from my arm and check myself in the mirror every ten minutes to make sure all is in place. My husband has always liked to dress well and smell nice. He is excellent at choosing clothes and putting things together that are very aesthetically correct.
    Our daughter is nothing like either of us in that department. I mean, to the point that she does not match clothes or want to ware deodorant, yuck! She doesn't like dresses or feminine clothing, and she is not interested in makeup. She shaved one leg one week, and then the other the next. I was like, really? What was your thought process here, help me out, cause I'm clueless on this one! I think she doesn't take care of herself because she knows we want her to. It's infuriating! At times, I think I brought the wrong kid home from the hospital, no really! Then I see her face, hear her speak and realize, yep, she's our kid. I or Paul did this or that same thing, at her age. Oh my!
    Will Sarah ever be the girley girl, I would love for her to be? Sharing makeup tips and fashion ideas with me. I don't know, I seriously doubt it though. Is that the most important thing in life? Certainly not! Both her dad and I want her to be who God made her to be,.... with deodorant though. I love her as she is and have realized she has to figure out her own style.
    It must be interesting to look at us from God's perspective. I mean, He is heavenly Father to all three of us. We are all at different stages in our walk with Him, and He knows us inside and out. He is molding and making us all into His image at the same time, while using each other to do the molding. Sarah tells me to get healthy makeup, and Paul tells her to brush her teeth, hair and put on deodorant. As iron sharpens iron, we are rounding out the rough edges and being molded into God's image. The outcome will be perfect, given enough time for each of us to complete His molding process.

Duckling Words.

     All my life I have had supportive parents. They have been there telling me I was smart and pretty my whole life. All the things you should tell your child. But there were other words too. Unanimous words. Words from peers and teachers alike. Ugly, stupid, and worthless. Now, I did believe my parents did think I was good. but thanks to Warner Brother cartoons, we all know the old adage, "She has a face only a mother could love." All my elementary classmates knew that one too. I grew up failing and flopping around because I was, in reality, stupid, ugly and worthless....right? I ended up firmly believing this to be true.
     My parents had it right. I should have listened. It wasn't until 5 years ago when more and more friends started being intimidated by my intelligence did I realize I was missing something. I had more and more people coming to say that I was scary smart and did I have any insight into their problems. No one. I mean NO ONE had ever said those words to me. Now, everyone in my life was saying and still saying them to me. This was stunning and new to me. I still felt really ugly though. I was now the ugly smart girl.
     Last year. 36 years into my life, God started breathing the words, "You are beautiful" into my soul. I was stunned. I mean I had the 1 Samuel verse framed in my bathroom to encourage me. "Man looks at outward appearances, I see the heart" See? It didn't matter I did not have a pretty face with a clear complexion God saw my heart. No matter what the outcome of primping was to be, God loved me on the inside. So when in the spring of 2013 when God started daily telling me "You are beautiful," I became very very confused. "Who me? I still get zits! I'm never happy with my Hermione Grainger hair. I'm a little pudgy around the middle. I think that is my genetic shape. You can't mean me, God." But He did. He made me. He does not make trash. None of us are trash. NONE of us are worthless.
   Then my life fell almost completely apart. God used His healing words echoed by good friends, amazing parents, and my husband to hold me together. "You are pretty. You are smart." I was being attacked by Satan in those two areas right on the head. He was whispering, "See, you're ugly and you should have seen this coming. You're stupid." Our words are important. Our words have the power to take life and to build it up. Today my Bible reading was from Psalms 52. As I read the words as I am asking you now to do, I was struck at the havoc the words of others had caused my life and heart. I want to be rooted on the words that bring life. I want to be rooted on the very Name of God Himself.
     No matter where your talents lay, God has given us each a spark from His hand. He has given us each a special gift that is important to life here on this planet. You may feel unimportant or average, or like I did, waaaaaaaaaaaaay below average. I am here to tell you that God has given you a gifting. Call out to Him and ask for truth and love to be spoken into your life. You are important to God. You matter. I had to stop believing lies from Satan and hear the truths of God to learn that I mattered.

Tests, Trust, and Time

   In our fast paced society we have become accustomed to getting what we want when we want it. I can jump into my almost new mini van and drive 2 blocks from my house at 4 in the morning and use my debit card to buy cheese sticks, churros, a milkshake, or an Italian sub. Instant gratification.
   Now I sit here watching as time ticks by at an excruciatingly slow pace waiting for a phone call, an appointment, a test result, an answer. Something has gone terribly wrong in my body. One day I was fine. The next day I was in the hospital. One moment I think I feel okay. The next moment I am sinking to the floor. My whole world has changed. Ambitions of cleaning and organizing my house, preparing and cooking a months worth of freezer meals, and writing the songs and stories that are rolling around in my head have been reduced to getting dressed, moving from my bed to the couch, taking a shower, brushing my hair, and putting on makeup.
    There is nothing I can do in my own strength to remedy this situation. It is beyond my knowledge, expertise, and ability. The only thing I can do is to trust in the Lord while I wait.

He Knows The Plan

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Loved ones suddenly faced with serious health issues as well as ongoing family issues.  A crazy,  stressful week at work. Trying to motivate myself to rewrite my resume and get a job search in gear in my hometown.  Ministry opportunities that have just now presented themselves and require us to seek the Lord for His direction. Financial concerns.  Time constraints.  Thoughts swirl around in my brain like a hurricane. Then my heart reminds me to just be still. I know that God loves me and that He knows the plan. I need to quiet myself and listen, and He will show me the what, when, where and how.


Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)  I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 

Eternal

                       Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
 
As we do our best to teach Sarah through online schooling.
As we endeavor to figure out what subjects to do when.
While I juggle work, school, house, garden and lawn chores.
During this time of frustration, while figuring out the unknown.
God gently reminds me through the upheaval, He has me.
I just have to wait on Him and all will be well.
He reminds me ever so gently, all I need is Him.
Stress will melt, knowledge will pass away but He is
                       ETERNAL!

Both Sides Now.

     My Irish Grandfather was a union line breaker. If the union physically restrained him from breaking the line, he went to work elsewhere. He painted houses and did odd jobs because, "Unions are just bad news, honey. They take away jobs not create them. A job is a job and a family needs to be fed. I want to work not fight. If you get a job, keep your job and fight to keep it. A job is worth keeping." When the union was not striking, he worked at a plant called Celanese. Don't look it up. It no longer runs. It closed when I was very, very small. Maybe before I was born. I can't recall. Here is his version of why it closed. "The union closed it. The management could not keep it open AND meet their ridiculous demands. Unions close companies. Don't ever forget. Keep the job you have." OVER ALL, my entire family advised to get an education any which way so as not to have to deal with those issues.
      I remembered his words the many years I toiled at McDonald's. All through college, I gave McDonald's 5 full years of my life with very little complaint. I received glowing praise from managers. I got a better job at Barnes and Noble because of the way the management of McDonald's raved over how I worked. To quote my Barnes and Noble boss, "No one ever gets a recommendation like that from such a nasty job." I kept the job I had.
     Fast forward 15 years of my life. I met a union family who quickly became my best friends. I kept my opinions about the "Union YES" bumper sticker well hidden. I loved these people. Jesus had brought them into my life during a very difficult trial. Jesus then allowed me to see the conditions under which this man had toiled for years and years. The smell of machine oil was sickening and even though the AC was up to a decent temp, it was still not comfortable. "This isn't bad. With all the machines running, the air conditioning keeps it at 95 degrees. The union saw to that." oh. Jesus opened my eyes. At a bank of very expected office sized water bottles for the water cooler, my friend became very proud. "I'm happy the union finally got us this water. Management wouldn't let us have it before." Jesus opened my heart. I became angry. In 95 degree conditions, the management had to be threatened with strike to allow the men to have WATER! Insert bug eyed emoticon here! These men aren't striking for a higher wage or cushy retirements, these men were fighting to get the air set to 95 and water to cool themselves in the heat. Basic, AND OBVIOUS needs.
     It is easy to be quick to judge something we do not understand or a Christian teacher that is really controversial.  When faced with a difference, our first response under God's teaching and care should always be to stop our mouths, listen with ears and heart, and mostly, apply grace.

10 days and counting....

   Ten days ago I woke up to my alarm. I got up and began to get ready for church. I was feeling a little anxious, but brushed it off thinking it was from the long day I had at work on Saturday.
  At church I began to feel hot, but my skin was cool and damp to the touch. On a whim, I checked my pulse on my smartphone...... 123. I thought that I was just tired and planned on taking a nap when I got home.
   After going out to grab some lunch, I was sitting in my van and checked my pulse again...... 138. It was strange. I wasn't feeling sick. I wasn't having any pain. I decided to go to the Emergency Department to get checked.
   After an overnight stay at the hospital I left with 8 pages of discharge instructions, 2 diagnosis, 4 prescriptions, 1 order for a glucose monitor, and I am scheduled for additional testing this week. Since being discharged and starting the treatment regimen, instead of feeling better I have been feeling increasingly worse. It feels like every system in my body is revolting and my world has come to a screeching halt. Tasks that 10 days ago would have been tackled with ease now leave me exhausted and shaky.
   I am not sure what the next few days or weeks will bring and I would be lying if I said I haven't worried about it. However, I trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. He made me.  He knows me. He loves me.
 

A Little Cooperation

This is my lovely basement classroom half destroyed, halfway through school. It's still a bit ragged around the edges because of moving, but I am finding the compartmentalization it offers is good for the kids. I've worked hard on this basement and on the plans for school. I've put my heart into it trying to really engage my kids and prepare them for life. I love it. 
So, why is this basement so quiet this time of day? I happen to be all out of ideas for dealing with one of my children. We went through my entire repertoire of disciplinary techniques before lunch.  The day I have planned is fun, stickers, games, art projects, independent projects, videos, fart markers, but this one would rather be banned then behave reasonably. I literally don't know what to do next. Fear not, I always come up with something, but I'm taking a breather.
It's at moments like these that I wonder where God is with me right now. I know he could never be out of ideas or patience, but the Bible makes it clear he is not afraid of applying some tough love. Am I entering into the day he has planned for me, or am I serving myself? Am I rejecting skills and truths I will need for the future? Am I accepting painful practice? I don't know, but I know God is the best parent. I know it is always worth cooperating.

Disagreement vs. Disrespect

I don't generally like to discuss controversial issues, however, my heart has been very heavy this past week after seeing many Christians posting videos and articles attacking Victoria Osteen for statements that she made during a message that she was sharing with her congregation.  While I don't necessarily agree with her wording, I understood the underlying point that she was making, and I also understood that I was hearing a tiny, out-of-context sound bite.  My concern is not whether one agrees or disagrees with her statement.  My concern is how quickly we as Christians jump to defame and discredit one another when we don't agree with something that is said, and the damage that we do to the body of Christ when we do this.  I have seen this same treatment of other ministries, denominations, and individual ministers, and it has really grieved my spirit lately.  I am not saying that we should just blindly follow every teaching that comes forth, and if we disagree with something, there is nothing wrong with expressing our opinions, however, rather than attacking, can we not simply state what exactly it is that we disagree with and why?  My best girlfriend forever and I have differing views and beliefs in some areas, yet we are still BGFFs, and are able to discuss those differences and still come away loving one another.  I hope that you hear my heart today.  We as believers are supposed to be known for our love, but it seems as though we are really known for our hatred and intolerance for anything that we disagree with.  I just want to encourage us to temper our words with love and grace when we feel that an issue needs to be addressed.  


An artist friend of ours shared a portrait on Facebook that he had recently finished, and the words that he shared along with the portrait really went along with everything that has been rolling around in my head this week.  He gave me permission to include it in this post:  


A champion of hope to some and the smiling preacher to others. For years I wouldn't listen to Joel Osteen because I felt his messages were devoid of sound scriptural teaching and doctrine. Recently these words of the Jesus convicted me of my judgement.

"You search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life. John 5: 39-40

Joel's heartfelt testimony is Jesus Christ. The religious ones who would have stoned Jesus because of his message is the same religious ones today who would stone Joel Osteen as well.

Life is about discovering our true identity in the light of Christ. Joel's words of hope and encouragement are pointers to this light and no amount of tradition or doctrine can extinguish it.

"A Texas Size Hope" James Robert Kessler c14

 

I forgot

    Sarah is in online schooling now. this is a totally different experience for all of us. The first week was frustrating at best. Tears were shed, yelling, and throwing things happened, but not at people, thankfully. To top it all off, I totally forgot how to write out long decimal multiplication and division. Wondering why they didn't go over any of this in the lesson. Then I sat down and went through the course myself. They did go over everything, in detail, with examples. However, one has to click on the tab to bring out the examples and the lesson, AHA! So, I went over the area I temporarily forgot and it was like, oh yeah, I remember this, slap to the forehead, Hello Sonya!
    Being God's kid is much like this. One learns a lesson in an area of life. I mean, they go over it several times and it's in the brain and heart for sure. Then time passes and we encounter someone else dealing with the same problem. It seems vaguely familiar, and we know we ourselves learned this lesson, but we need a refresher course. So, we look at the text book and ask God to help us. As if we have found the tab to hit, our eyes see the verse or a person says the exact verse that triggers our memory and it all comes flooding back. We yell, HEY, WAIT! I have the answer for you! Here, look here in the test book, also known as the bible. You show the person and tell them how to deal with it but it doesn't totally click. They have to go through the text book and the lesson themselves. It doesn't matter how you try to explain it to them, until that light bulb goes on, they are in a fog. We want to make them do exactly what we tell them to do, as it clearly explains the problem, example, and answer, in the word of God, but it doesn't matter. Everyone has to learn their own way. All we can do is guide, tell our lesson and pray for them. The good thing is that, we ourselves needed a refresher course, because we too will need those lessons previously learned in our lives, sooner or later.
    Thank You God for Your Holy Spirit leading and guiding us when we need it most.

Double Blessing

     Yesterday marked my eldest child's tenth birthday. Double digits. He is a boy that has given me my hardest challenges and greatest moments of joy. The journey to get to where we are has been the most complicated emotional journey of my life. As I look at my son who is finally starting to get it after Years of therapy, consistency, and dogged advocacy, I see me through God's eyes. I have labored with this child to get him to think outside his narrow box of self-centeredness. He now sees others much more clearly. But this work was done as a team and my God revealed to me my heart.
     God is a parent. The Bible tells us He is Father to Jesus and inexplicably to me as well. To all of us really. He has Labored with me to help me see my selfish heart and motivations. Circumstances over the past year in my marriage and in my parenting lead me to just put my survival above everyone else's. I'm the mom right? If I ain't happy...........well you know. I stopped performing well. I started absenting myself in little ways. I looked out for me because it seemed I was the only one who would.
     God is a parent. I have given Him only grief. Any triumph has come because of hard work done by His Spirit and His Son. He never once treated me this way in my struggle and praise Him for it. Humbled again by His love, I vow today to serve Him first, my family second, friends third, and myself dead last. I had to memorize that at age three. It went Jesus, Others, You. Putting our lives and commitments in that order brought JOY. Like all head knowledge from my past, it was useless until my heart understood it. Pray for me on this journey.

Mom's Night Out

  I often wonder if I am the only mom on the planet who  sometimes feels like she never does anything right....even though she spent years dreaming about and planning for the day she would become a mother.
  The visions of spotless house, home-cooked meals, and family game night with children who always get along with each other quickly got lost in the reality of too many toys, chapstick shoved in the DVD player, permanent marker "art" on the brand new kitchen cabinets, last minute pizza orders, the challenge of getting everyone in the same room at the same time let alone gathered around the table playing Pictionary, and then breaking up the squabbles because one of them called another one a "loser", "baby", or "dork".
  Tonight we watched the movie "Mom's Night Out". I had seen the previews and was sold as soon as I saw Patricia Heaton's character get tased. I had to know the rest of the story..... Within the first few minutes of the movie, I identified with the main character. She was a mom to 3 rowdy children and was trying to come to terms with the overwhelming chaos her life had become. She invites her BFF and her pastor's wife for a night out that becomes a complete disaster leading up to the pastor's wife getting hit with the taser.  In the midst of the mess this "stress paralyzed" mama hears from an unlikely source how she is right where God wants her to be doing exactly what He has called her too.
  If you are a mom, a dad, or a kid you will find someone to identify with in this movie. I highly recommend watching it.....especially you mamas who exhaust yourselves....... not by running after your kids, but by beating yourselves up over your perceived shortcomings.