Weary New Year's Eve

Progress and Set Backs

   This is a photo of the "parting gifts" I came home with after a stay at the hospital in September. Missing from the picture is yet one more bottle of a narcotic pain reliever that I chose not to fill because my body was already overloaded with medications.
   I remember my first follow up appointment with my new PCP. He wasn't impressed with my questions about what I could do to help my body recover in order to reduce or eliminate the need for all of these medications. He looked at my lab results and hospital discharge summary and stated that it didn't matter what I did..... I was going to be on these medications indefinitely.
  Two weeks later I had to return to him due to my IV site becoming infected and extremely painful (the reason for the prescribed narcotic). While there, he looked over an ultrasound report and told me there were some cancer indicators (cue the anxiety attacks) and that I needed to have a biopsy done. After another two weeks and another PCP visit, my lab numbers were showing significant improvement and my biopsy had been cancelled.
  At the end of November I was finally able to see a specialist who did further testing and finally put a name to the craziness that has been going on in my body. Hashimotos Disease on top of Type 2 Diabetes. In the meantime, I have completely changed the when, how, and what goes into my mouth. I am not going to pretend that it has been an easy thing. EVERYTHING had to change.
  I seemed to be making good progress until December 18 when out of nowhere I became light headed and really off balance to the point of falling on my rear in my kitchen. The first thing I did was check my vitals and found everything was normal except an elevated blood pressure. I played it off to working extra hours and pushed onward.....until three days later I almost dropped at my piano while leading worship at church. By that evening, I was laying in the ER with a blood pressure that was as high as 203/118. After hours of tests, IV fluids, and observation, I was sent home with no conclusive explanation. The next day my blood pressure readings were normal again and have remained so without changing any medications.
  Today I had an appointment to see the specialist who offered some knowledge and understanding about what has been going on in my body. For the first time in 4 months my thyroid levels are normal. NORMAL. The medications that my PCP said I would always be on will make my levels too low if I continue to take them, so I am being weaned off of all but 2 of the medications, and one of those is being cut in half......for now.
   I am still at the beginning of this journey. There have been lots of complications and set backs, but for today, I am thanking God for progress and holding on to hope for continued improvement.

Opening Up


I do not care to display weakness. Once in my adolescent years I fell and hit my head so hard it felt like my brain was sloshing about in my skull. I immediately stood up and protested that I felt fine even though I could not see. When my vision finally cleared I realized I must have been oddly staring off into empty space, so I walked in that direction talking about getting assistance as I tried to stay steady on my feet.
I do not know what makes me sadder, that I was so determined to remain independent, or that everyone respected my independence. It must be better to be more fully woven into one's community, but I still don't know. I have gathered more skills and information as I have walked each step of life, and if nothing else I'll be a thread in the rug in Heaven.
New Years with all its fresh dates is coming and the opportunities for growing and learning seem in full supply. Personally, I'm signed up at the Rec Center to weave a little more recreation in my life. Even my hobbies are work, and my body has become a waste. Here's hoping I can get to know my community a little better as well. 
Where are you struggling with connection? Is it an important relationship? An over abundance of relationships? Or is it a lack of relationship? Don't forget to scribble down a resolution about this important area. I do learn, and I can say the effort is worth it.

Here a little....there a little

Last time I was sharing about the beginning of a "God adventure." And I have one or two more stories to tell in that series :) But, today I want to share something from the "building of faith and trust in God" aspect .In the interim from accepting Christ till I left for Texas , in retrospect, I can see the hand of God in little and not so little incidents that paved the way for me to trust Him for "biggies."


One such incident taught me several things. One that He IS our provider and two that although one might think we have a corner on the religious market, God can and will speak to any of His children regardless of the sign over their door.


After the children were grown and I completed Bible College, I went back to college to get my degree in nursing. At this time, though, I was an LPN making big bucks to the tune of $5:65 an hour- Now-my memory is good but I would have never remembered that exact amount had I not happened upon an old paystub not to long ago while looking for something else-anyway-money was tight.


I was lying on the floor in prayer-my favorite prayer closet at the time, and I had laid out an electric bill on the floor. It was a shut off notice and I had no money for it. I had not said anything to anyone. While I lie there the phone rang. I got up an answered it and it was Sister Anna one of the catholic supervisors from Sacred Heart Hospital where I worked at in Cumberland-. It was my day off but she asked could I come in and talk with her. An appointment was made for the afternoon and I went, perplexed to say the least, as this had never happened before.


I sat in her office and we chatted a short while then she said-"When was praying this morning something came to my mind about you. I went and talked with Sister Mary Catherine (the administrator) and she agreed with me." Sister Anna took her finger and fished a check out from underneath the blotter on her desk. It was for the exact amount of my electric bill. I wept as I shared with her and she wept with me. It was precious on so many levels. I thanked her and left.


As the scripture says "Here a little....there a little....line upon line" God was teaching me. He is Faithful!!!!



Christmas This Year...

This Christmas has felt a little different for me, and a lot different for my husband and his family.  My dear father-in-law went home to be with the Lord two months ago, and Christmas preparations for the most part have felt very half-hearted.  I've watched my husband quietly go through the motions, and have been asking the Lord to show me how to be the help that he needs, and how to be a blessing and comfort to my mother-in-law, and even to the rest of the family as we are gathering this weekend for our first Christmas without our dear one.  This year, we are holding one another just a little tighter, and savoring the time that we have together just a little more.  I am praying that God will meet each one where they are, and that they will encounter Him in a tangible way, and come away from that encounter filled with His peace and joy and healing for their hearts.

Happy Christmas!

Mary Christmas Eve

Holy Birth

    With all our freedoms and liberty, we may not fully realize that the birth of Jesus almost didn't happen. First of all, the country where Jesus was born was under severe government oppression. Taxation took most of ones resources. These people were almost reduced to slavery. The poor paid taxes, as well as the wealthy. There were no tax refunds, child credits or exemptions. The government was indiscriminately oppressive.
    Also, Mary was a pregnant, unmarried teenage girl. The law stated that she must be put to death. Not by lethal injection, but rather by stones being thrown at her, until she was literally beaten to death, along with her unborn child. Also, medical services were not even close to being what we enjoy today. Many women died during child birth. Add that to the fact that they traveled a several days journey, at the end of her pregnancy, to an unfamiliar area. She didn't know the doctor in town, if there were one. On top of all that, there was not one room to be had, when they arrived. She gave birth in a stable instead. All of the possible bacterial, viral and filth that exists in a place animals resided, in an age when people didn't even have proper hygiene for themselves, let alone their animals, is simply frightening. I am barely scratching the surface of all the problems that came along with the birth of the savior of the world.
    Finally, he was still in danger of death two years after he had been born. Herod, the ruler of that area was a power obsessed, paranoid, maniac, that decreed every boy two years and under must be killed. Simply because he heard there was a child who would rule, other then himself, that had been born two years previously. Really? Ah, Yeah!
   As we celebrate Christmas, may we more fully realize what a miracle the birth of Jesus was. May we celebrate Him and be thankful that He came to free us from sin and death. That He loves us, and invites us to live with Him for eternity. Blessed be the Holy birth.

Wait for Me

There is no turning back
Life marches on, line after line, banners waving
Only I wish it would sometimes
Stop and Look at me
Acknowledge my existence
That I am Part of the Parade
Needed 
The world is a blind marching band
And I cannot keep up with its
Insignificant Urgency
I would rather wander through the forest glades
Breathing In
The Grandeur of small details
Touching soft petals, and often
Looking Up
Meaning is found in between the Lines
And wisdom in the Space to Breathe
Let the band rush On
Without Me
Just a Moment

Musings of Gods favor (and sense of humor :)

I was having a flashback yesterday of when I first became a Christian back in the mid-70's. I laugh when I think about this-sometimes even out loud.Haha Soon afterward I was looking at a catalog that my pastors wife had from her daughter in Ft Worth-I lived in Cumberland Md. It was from a  Christian college  that Debbie-the daughter-was starting to in the fall of '75. Something in me was thrilled and I wanted to go also. But it wasn't very long that reality set in-how could I afford it #1 AND I was a single parent with 4 children. I pitched the catalog up on her counter and that was the end of that.


Several weeks later I was in the yard hanging up clothes -yeah-remember that ladies ?-haha Anyway-I literally shook my fist in the air-because all of a sudden it seemed to me that the heavens had become brass. I had been enjoying sweetly daily fellowship with God and then -wala-Nothing.


When I shook my fist-I had an mental image of me throwing the catalog on the counter. I cried-without forethought actually-"God-If you want me to go there-please send someone to see my house." Now what I said and what I meant were two different things. What I was meant was -if I'm going to Texas I would have to sell my house- but I said "see" my house. There was no for sale sign in the yard nor had I mentioned this to anyone-this was a spur of the moment thing. But God honored my request :)


As I left the clothesline and went to step upon the back porch there was a woman standing there. I asked if I could help her and she said "I am embarrassed but every time we go past this place my Mom says "I wish I could see in that house and I always just look at her and go on but today she insisted that she wanted to "see" your house. I showed them both through-neither one of us mentioned anything about a sale-they looked and then went on their merry way.


As soon as they left I immediately fell to my knees and worshiped and cried for a long time. Then I said to God "ok-what I meant was-I have to sell this house -If this is really your will please send me a buyer and thank you." The next morning-mid week sometime-I put a home made for sale sign in the window. We were 7/10's of a mile off of the main road. Saturday a man knocked on my door very early and wanted to know what the price was and then could he go get his wife and come back in a little while.


When he came back-they both wanted the place-gave me a deposit and said that if I could be out in 2 weeks they would pay cash. As the 2nd semester of college started in 4  weeks the timing was perfect. I was awestruck and beginning an adventure.


When did God plant the "I want to see this house" in that woman who is nameless to me? Was he chuckling when I finally asked the question so he play this card :) Only He knows but this story has warmed my heart on many occasions. Sometime I will share the next "event" of this adventure!



Christ Will Remain In Christmas

    As I was at church speaking to the teachers and teenagers about our Christmas program later that day, I noticed a message on the black board. It read, "Merry X-mas". My first thought was, "What the, ha? This is a church, who would dare leave Christ out of Christmas, here?" I went over to it and very kindly, asked My daughter and her friend who put the message there? The other girl explained that she had. I said, "You did and excellent job with the art work in this sign, and it is very nice to wish those coming to the church tonight well, but when you use an X instead of Christ, you are taking Christ out of Christmas. "This is a church sweetie, there are those that will be offended by this message, and it really is a very nice job that you have done." "Also, Christ is the reason we are celebrating." "Would you please change the X and put in Christ instead"? She was not aware of these things previously, and readily agreed to change the message.
    Through this experience I learned something along with the girl. I learned that it is important to remember Christ is the reason we celebrate this joyous season. It is also important to realize that there are those, who are unaware that they are being offensive to others, when they leave Christ out. Some do not even intend to offend or bother others. Some are simply trying to save space, or shorten it up. As we celebrate Christmas, may we not get mad at others that choose to shorten this message, and jump down their throat. Rather, we could glorify God as we show them the love of Christ and joyfully explain, His love for us is the reason He came to earth. He is the reason we celebrate. This way, Christ will remain in Christmas, no matter what.

Slow Fade

  We all have our core values. The standard to which we hold everything up to. We have our lists of what we would never choose to do. We look at those around us who don't share our values and vow to never become like that. Then life happens.
  It starts with a thought. A lapse of self control. A second look. A slip of the tongue. A surrender to the pressure. It could be a judgmental opinion. An outburst of anger. A curiosity. An unkind word. One hit on a bottle. We tell ourselves that it won't happen again, but find that the next time it becomes a little easier. Then it becomes habitual.
 We begin to reason. Justify. Minimize. Until eventually, if we don't make the conscious effort to regroup, we lose sight of our original values, and in the process we lose sight of our own value. We get caught up in the slow fade. We look in the mirror and think again about those core values, but we no longer recognize the person staring back at us.
  We become disappointed. Disillusioned. Miserable. We need to be reminded of who we are in Christ. Not to condemn us, but to draw us back to the truth. We can then be in a place of conviction. Not to make us feel guilty, but to motivate us to re-examine our values because of our value. As we lean on His grace and mercy we can allow Him to guide us back to His heart. Right where we have wanted to be all along.

My Christmas Hat


I look forward to Christmas baking all year long. This year I decided that reaching out to our new neighbors would be my priority. I set the date for baking and distribution early in the season to keep stress low, and then I chose three different offerings--Glazed Ginger Bundt Cake, Wreath Bread, and Cinnamon Rolls. I have made all of them several times and enjoyed eating them. Baking went remarkably smoothly. Not surprisingly, I ran out of butter, but that was easily remedied. Delivery took three rounds, but we eventually got to everyone.
I am not outgoing, so baking something truly special is my way of saying hello without getting stressed. Getting to know my neighbors is something I feel strongly about. This commitment challenges me, because my preference is to "hunker in my bunker." Eventually I might work my way up to a party, but for now I'm happy to imagine the foil coming off and the smiles going on. 
Christ's call to love one another is a real stretcher. He doesn't put limits or guidelines on who to love. When you sit down and really think about it, he calls us to love the torturer as well as the tortured. He calls us to love our bully as well as our savior. He calls us to start right where we are in our lives and neighborhoods and to love everyone indiscriminately. Christmas always presents me with real challenges as I seek to see people the way Jesus does. I'm not very good at it, and sometimes I'm too bitter to listen to the Spirit's helpful hints. It's worth pursuing. Some day we will understand it all.
Pick up the challenge to love this Christmas, even if it's only homemade baked goods. 

Remember Me Not

Remember Me Not
My last mistake
The slip of tongue
The mess I make

Remember Me Not
As Yesterday
For I have found
Another Way

Remember Me Not
With Suffered Sigh
A disappointed
Smile Wry

Remember Me Not
As Others See
Just What they Thought
I used to be

Remember Me Now
Like you, I grew
And God is making
Something New

When He is Finished
With my song,
You'll smile and
Want to sing along

For when He's Done, then
 I'll be 
Worth Remembering

Song Lyrics

Song lyrics say it all sometimes.In the early 1980's, Patty Kennedy of Vineyard Music, a ministry started  by John Wimber, wrote a song with easy lyrics and a melody that tells of a "Glorious event" quite simply:




Just like you promised-- you’ve come
Just like you told us-- you’re here
And my desire is that you know
I love you, I worship you,
I welcome you here  




I Do love you Lord! and I Thank you!! and I Do worship you! and I Welcome you here.You are ALL that we need!.




 Matt Maher's lyrics sums it all up.


Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You




It is so very true-Jesus-You are our life....our Love.. our Righteousness...our Holiness...our Center....our Stability...our only Hope!!! Thank you for coming! Thank you for keeping your promise! I CELEBRATE YOU!!

May He Forgive My Wrong Doings

   During this most holy of holidays, or rather "Holy Days", most accurately, this Christmas season, I totally messed up. I know, no one else out there has ever done so, but I did. My daughter told a family member, "You can't say that, it's one of the ten commandments".  I must have been having a stupid moment, because out of my mouth came the most preposterous thing. "That isn't one of the ten commandments, is it"? Then my husband quoted to me, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Thy God in vein"? Oh yeah! I was having a totally off day and I don't know why, but then, out of my mouth came, "I guess I focus on the big ones, like, don't murder and steal". What! Really?
    As these ridiculous words came out of my mouth, a verse came to my mind, Mathew 5:19, "Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven".
    I still am baffled by my stupidity that day, but perhaps I was allowed to say those things to make myself and/or others, dig into the Bible. I am now, in the process of reading and studying the verses before and after that one. Is that verse speaking about the ten commandments? Is it going deeper? Do I need to seriously get a clue, and realize that the commandments are not simply ten in all, but rather everything God tells us to do? I don't know entirely at this point, but I know this. God is giving me a smack of some sort. I need to pay attention and learn from my stupid moment. Also, for the record, it is very important to do all the commandments and teach others to do so. They are there to benefit us and keep us safe. Just like when we tell our children not to put their hand in a fire. Our goal is for them to be safe, not for us to be in charge, or a killjoy.
   Least in the Kingdom of God, is not may goal people. To glorify God is. May He forgive my wrong doings, and teach me how to speak in a way that brings glory to Him, always.

Space Between

     I have been married to Peter Ansorge for 16.5 years. There have been many times we were thick as thieves and times where we felt distant. Today was a restoration day. The stress of owning two homes and dealing with all of their many needs and repairs, mixed with the many stresses of just being parents, found us feeling distant. Today we were able to go out, have terrific, wonderful fun like we did as teens together. By the end of the magical time, I remembered my friend, companion, and lover. We feel inseparable. The cure was quality face time.
     How many times have I felt distant, meandering, and far away from God? During all of those times it was because I had taken away my eyes from Him and put them on my stressful circumstances. Or worse, I have looked to friends, earthly comforts, or family to soothe the weary places. These always disappoint AND push me farther from God. The only way to restore closeness is to stop leaning on other things, and look to His words and listen for His voice to move me closer. In an instant, the gap closes and I am Daddy's sweet child again.
       If you are feeling far away from loved ones or from the loving care of the Father, spend the time it takes to restore the friendship. Do not put God off for flimsy excuses. "I am so tired." "I have worked hard." "I would rather use that time to run to get a coffee." But show God how much you value him by pushing through these excuses and seeking out His face. You will not regret it.

You Never Know

We have a large crèche, that is our pride and joy in decorating each year. In the past we put the set up on a large set of bookcases, but our new home didn't have that kind of space. It does have room for half on top of the coat closet in the foyer, and the rest fit on a table in the same space. This is the first year we can see Baby Jesus, so I put him aside to wait for Christmas Day. The empty manger is a powerful reminder of the melancholy time of waiting in the Old Testament. Every time I walk by it, I give thanks for the knowledge that he is with us.
Last year, Jimmy's teacher made Baby Jesus dolls out of socks for each of her students. Jimmy loved on that doll all Christmas long, and it was so sweet to see this nurturing side of my little boy. Even after the holidays were over, Baby Jesus remains important. He is snuggled into blankets, taken on adventures, and helping Jimmy understand why we need to sit still during church. This engagement is a happy sign of my son's growing faith.
A few days after putting out our crèche I was tickled to find the void in our manger filled with Sock Baby Jesus. I don't know if Jimmy's catechist imagined the impact one sock, two rubber bands, stuffing, and a Sharpie marker face would have on him, but her passion for sharing Jesus has changed my little boy. You never know what will have the most impact. A holy zygote has transformed the world.

Day's End



Night covers my mind like a blanket
The edges of my thoughts are Blurred
This day’s events, its cares, the Urgent
Are somehow pushed into the Past
By its merciful, invisible velvet cloak
Without my effort, with or without my consent,
There is an End
Inevitably, I think about Tomorrow
Which will kindly Wait just a Moment
While I put down my head
Let even my ideas Go
Relinquish Control
To Sleep

The Ordination

I was lying in bed and the words that I had recently shared about us being part of a Bigger story and ending with "May we play are part well" came back to my mind. And then out of the blue I remembered something that I had witnessed more than 25 years before.


I had just moved to Columbia MD and beginning my "church search." I had read about Evangel Temple in Charisma magazine so decided I would check it out. At that time they were on Rhode Island Avenue just inside the district line. Soon after that they built a new facility outside the city limits in Prince Georges county.


Anyway, they were friendly, joyful and the praise and worship was great. It was a large multi-cultural congregation. The elder Pastor Meares got up to speak and stated that they were having an ordination service today. I sort of groaned inwardly as I had wanted to "hear" the word. it's all about me-you see :)


About 30-50 people came up to be ordained. Pastor Meares shared some personal thoughts that were very kind and definitely out of a Shepherds heart. And then a teaching moment. He shared that he believed that as people are walking out their God-given gifts whatever  their vocation they were going to be ordained and sent forth from that body. It was beautiful!! Yes-there were a few ministers,Youth Pastors, Evangelists, but there were Musicians, Nurses, Teachers, Policemen, Firemen, Stay-at-home Mom's,a Beautician-so many I can't remember all the titles-but-all were ordained in their God given roles to go forth and glorify Him in the earth. I had never seen anything like this before nor since.


For myself-I had always wanted to be a nurse and have loved it. God has opened many doors of opportunity and favor. I have seen people healed, comforted and know in many situations I made a difference. As we all walk in our gifts and touch those in our sphere of influence area by area the world will see HIM!


 I was given much more than  a teaching of the word that day-I saw "the Word" in action and in Deed. Also  there was a  sense of God's intense presence sealing the event! I am convinced that as we walk out our God given gifts and abilities that truly we will glorify God and-We will play our part well!!!


"For we are what He made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life." Eph. 2:10







Do You Like You?


Image from facebook.com/HebraicDance

Do you like you?  Can you look at a picture of yourself without picking out something that you dislike about your image?  Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror and given praise to God because you are "awesomely and wonderfully made"?

Psalm 100 verse 3 says "Know that the Lord, He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves..."  However, we live in a society in which more and more often, humanity is struggling to make (or remake) itself.  Plastic surgery to alter appearance and even gender.  Mind altering substances.  Material possessions.  Humanity is searching for identity.  Sadly, believers are not immune.  I see beautiful young people trying to make themselves over so that they will be better accepted by others and (they hope) by themselves as well.  

In Psalm 139, the psalmist speaks praise to God for making him.  Fearfully (awesomely) and wonderfully made (to be separated or distinct) We are all different from one another. Skillfully wrought (embroidered, woven).  How greatly He loves us!  We cannot begin to fathom how deeply His love for us is!

My husband shared this and much more recently with a group of believers, and when he asked if anyone had ever looked in the mirror and thanked God for making him/her, he was met with blank stares.  After sharing the rest of what the Lord had given him, he challenged each of us to go home and begin to do that very thing, and I would like to challenge you to do the same.  I have begun to do this, and it has made me more aware of how much I am loved and how every detail of my frame, of my personality, of every part of me was made by God and not by me, and that He called it "very good!"  See what it does for you!

Instinct

    There are people on this earth that annoy me. While helping the front desk person, such an individual came into our office. Without going into detail, we had issues. Unkind words were spoken by each of us, and then, she pushed my face back with her hand forcefully, after which, she stepped back. My first instinct was to punch her in the face several times. Had I been closer to her, I would have without thinking. I was very thankful for the computer and foot long ledge between us later. I then tried to compose myself. I knew that it would be best for us to physically be apart, because I was absolutely livid and could do some serious damage. I'm taller, stronger and 26 years younger then she is. I said, "I am going to my office," as I left the room. That was the most intelligent thing that could have been done. However, I was infuriated after hearing her spout off at the front desk, as I shut my door. So, after I sat down at my desk briefly, I went back, stated my case and left again, keeping a distance of about ten feet between us. I knew, for all involved, it was best to stay apart. As surly as I live and breath air, I know angels were dealing with this situation in the spirit realm, and God in His wisdom took over in light of our stupidity.
    There are studies that have shown, when people become angry, their intellect drops about fifty percent. How many rational people do you know, that would put their fist through a wall, or do some of the, entirely stupid, things people do when they are mad? This information was brought to my attention recently and I was pondering this very thing, as I drove to work that particular morning.
    So when we are enraged by what ever it is that, quite possibly we may have every right to be, happens. If you have the presence of mind to stop, just freeze and do nothing, or leave. When it's all over, thank God for NOT letting you act upon your first instinct.

What it needs.

     Been a rough week. I am not going to lie. As I sit here contemplating what I could say or type, so many things pop into my mind. Fragments that come all at once include these: A friend telling me that time and solid wisdom were invested into another friend who turned around and said, "you deserve hell." FERGUSON. What could I say that hasn't already been said? Gutwrenching no-easy-fix pain is happening there. Judgements on both sides are flat out wrong in some cases. The three hours I spent holding my son's hand as his body healed from severe dehydration due to virus. Catching said virus myself. Getting a tree as big as a whale. Surfing for good deals on things that will not be valued after a month. The treating of a lack of knowledge and a lack of intelligence. Falling down dead asleep before I could even say much of anything to Pete. Really troubling information about the natural environment and our lack of care for it. An insinuation that my husband, who is a family practice doctor, does not know the basics of viruses.
     As I sit here with this mixed bag of hurt and hope in my heart, I realize that the answer is truly love. So sappy, so complex, so called for. I cannot help but feel that it cannot be said enough we need to stop, take deep breaths, stop deeply offending each other, stop taking offense and push through to understanding. This is not a human reality. This is not something I can accomplish on my own. I personally need Jesus to overcome this. I need help to know when I am right, wrong, or something in between. I stand with Benjamin Watson in total agreement. We need love from Jesus and we need it now.

Providence

 As a little boy he lived on a farm in a simple house with no frills. Water was carried in from a pump. The "bathroom" was only accessible by walking across the yard.  A pot belly stove provided heat and a cooking surface.
  His mama was preparing a meal when she noticed the fire had died down. She grabbed a can of kerosene and splashed some onto the coals. The fire leaped to life and followed the stream of kerosene back up to the can which exploded. That little boy's life was altered in a split second as his younger brother died in the house. His mama succumbed to the infection from her painful burns weeks later. His infant brother, no longer able to nurse, died when he was switched to cow's milk.
  He was sent to live with his grandmother and was raised with his uncles. They became more like brothers. His father was able to find new love, remarried,  and moved on.....without him.

  She was conceived out of wedlock which was unacceptable and shameful during that period of time. To cover her tracks, her mother left her with a neighbor lady to be raised from infancy on. She would visit her from time to time, but when asked about whose beautiful little girl she had with her, she would say she was that girl those folks down the road were raising. Her mother found love, married, and moved on....

  While fishing with his uncles one afternoon, he noticed a long legged girl running barefoot through the field near the stream. He recognized her as that girl the neighbors were raising. He looked at his uncles and said "See that girl there? I'm gonna marry her one day."  Throughout the remainder of their childhood they shared the same fields, the same stream, the same school. When they became older they shared a love, they married, and moved on ......to make a family of their own.

  Had they never encountered those terrible childhood tragedies,  they may have never even met, but God had a plan for their lives....a plan that two generations later included.....me.




For Normal

We had the same pediatrician for seventeen years.  Same for our dentist and obstetrician. I like continuity. I like a strong sense of normal. We moved three hours away from our previous home base. Time for a dental appointment? Where to go? Kids need their shots? Turns out to be way more complicated than choosing someone from their online reviews, but it does get done. Our teeth are clean. Half the kids are vaccinated. We are getting to a new normal, and I'm so thankful for the progress.
I'm also thankful for the turmoil. It's offered me the opportunity to do something different. I can change care providers without turning our life upside down if I need too. I'm thankful for the way life on this side of the state has forced me to see the people in my life with fresh eyes and helped me to relate to them in more authentic ways. I needed the change even if I didn't want it.
"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    
a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
 What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

Thanks be to God for the seasons in life.

Unreliable



I am Unreliable
Feeling Indefinable
It is Inconceivable
Planning one more Day
Without health, Impossible
Goals are now Unreachable
Though I’m not Unteachable,
It’s hard to find a Way
I must learn
To Reach for You
With You, find
The New and True
Trusting more,
Believable
Others’ help,
Receivable
Your new plans
Are on the Table
I’ll rely on You
The Able