Some things I've learned

I arrived back in MD barely functional but life has to go on. I literally vacillated from pain to numbness and eventually only felt "dead" inside. I called Robert several times with no answer.The last time he did answer the phone and told me that he had quit his job, that he could barely get out of bed to brush his teeth, And that if he EVER came to the conclusion that the pastor was wrong that he would come for me. We never spoke again..


 I did not go to church for quite a while. I heard on the radio about a new church that had opened up in our area and one morning I decided to go there-Love's Way was the name. When I entered the Pastor and his wife were coming down the aisle. They stopped and introduced themselves to me and both hugged me at the same time. I felt the love of God personified and when I responded to it the dam broke.


There were a group of believer's there that had a Christian crisis center in a neighboring town called Sonrise farms. The next Sunday the director came over to me, put her arms around me, and invited me to  the farm. It was there over many weeks period that I began to unpack. One day I was sitting on the porch looking over the beauty of the farm and I was lamenting that Robert did not stand up for me or truth that I heard God say ever so gently "I know what it is like to be rejected also." The last of the reserve began to crumble and I was back on speaking terms with God again after dialogue re: His rejection. He also reminded me that he does not violate our free will. His plan WAS for Robert and I and he is committed to our destiny. HE is the constant, we are the variables.




For several years I looked for Robert to come for me; then I learned he had taken his own life.Oh-NOOOO-R-o-b-e-r-t-!!  It took years for the roller coaster ride of emotions to stop but finally because of many people caring taking their time with me, and counsel, by the grace of God I was able to finally get a grip and begin to stabilize. I am exceedingly thankful to all!



Over the years I have experienced the faithfulness of God that is known only by relationship. I have known his mercy, grace,goodness and loving kindness, His favor and enablement and the list goes on. While I was pondering the writing of this story  I saw something anew and it broke my heart. I loved Robert, really loved him. And then I saw a glimpse of how much God loves us, a love that is "so much more" and  he stands there, Waiting..... arms open wide, life proffered.......and I sensed such a DEEP longing from him......yet many....of their own free will.... do not come to receive Him or His pardon and love. And  saint and sinner alike do not trust Him with their lives, their future or His guidance at times. Forgives us Father!!


 I know that no matter where life takes us-HE is there and that HE cares! even to the brink of hell-HE IS THERE! I know that for maturing and growing in Him we need the whole body, that is, Christian community. I also believe that  errant leaders are God's business. Amen