Recently, a long distance friend called me and shared that she felt truly alone. Her life is hard and rather than embrace her through the time, everyone left her. Invitations to dinners dried up, friends made excuses to not come over, and her church looked away. This is becoming reality for all too many people.
We have become a people where inconvenience and messiness is somethin to ignore. "You understand, right? Your son gets really wound up. It is hard on the other children. We're still friends though. Always." First, emails go unanswered. Then phone calls go strait to voicemail. Then they start hiding behind food displays in the grocery. Plans get made and splashed all over your newsfeed you never heard a word about it. The overwhelming message is, "You're too messy. Go away. I can't help you." I have faced it and so had she. This from good Christian fellow church members.
I have decided to see the others in the same circumstance and reach out. To notice who is alone and left out. It is easy to do when you stand in crowded lobbies quietly watching groups and look at who wasn't tagged in that social media group shot. In doing so, I have found a ministry. I have found brokenness and real needs that can be helped. We have all found support.
My word today is two fold, if you find yourself alone in a crowd, look for others feeling the same way. Make your own crowd of outcasts. We're pretty cool people. If you are in the group making plans for the weekend, reach out to the lady never invited. Isolation, ignoring the needs of others, hoping someone else will take care of it, is never what God intended. We are the hands and feet of God. We are the ones called to do His work. Sometimes that means inviting the family with the tough kid and telling your kid to suck it up. Pray about who needs love in your life and extend that hand to them.
There was a time in my life, after facing personal failure, when I felt God was finished with me as a minister. I knew He loved me but I never thought I could fulfill my destiny. One day the Lord spoke these words in my heart in what seemed audible, "I haven't changed my mind about you. Have you changed your mind about me? The Bible explains that through our sin, we are alienated from God in our mind (Col 1:21). The separation is not real! The Apostle John said it this way, If our heart condemns us God is greater than your heart (1 Jn 3:20).Paul said, Nothing can separate you from the love of God.The separation you feel from God only exists in your mind. Jesus has paid for your sin. God knew what He was getting when He got you;.nothing that has happened is a surprise to Him. Get up, get back in communion with God and experience the blood of Jesus cleaning your guilty conscience, because He hasn't changed His mind about you. Now that you know God is still for you, what is the first thing you want to do with your life?
~Dr. Jim Richards
Lately I have been reading a lot of posts and books written by Dr. Jim Richards. He was instrumental in my husband's receiving a life-changing revelation of God's grace a few years ago, and the above quote caught our attention the other day, because Philip had felt this exact thing at one time. When Philip and I were first getting acquainted, he told me that he had once pastored a church and had been very wounded by things that had happened at that time. So wounded, in fact, that he tried to walk away from God, and didn't care if he ever ministered again. Then a few weeks into our courtship, he called to tell me about an encounter that he had with God the night before that led him to believe that God may not be finished with him in a ministry capacity, and he wanted to know if I would be comfortable with (or even willing to consider) the idea of possibly being the wife of a pastor if that is where God was leading him. Interestingly, I had just been with some Messianic Jewish friends that week and learning that it was the season during which they traditionally read the book of Ruth, and I had just been reading it again, so during my conversation with Philip that night, Ruth's words to Naomi were playing in my head, and I shared that with him: "Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me." (Ruth 1:16)
For the last several years we have been seeking the Lord regarding His plans for us, and in the last few months He has been reconnecting us with people from our hometown, some who have a similar heart and vision for ministry, and others who are looking for something real. We live halfway between our home church and our hometown, and we have noticed that lately our travels have been much more often in the direction of home. We have also begun to get a sense that "It is time", and a couple of weeks ago, a friend called my husband and told him that we were on his heart and that in praying for us, he felt he heard the Lord say those very words. We are now in process of seeking the Lord for the specifics, and waiting on His direction and timing to bring everything together. We are eagerly anticipating this next part of our journey...
Today is my sweet Sarah's birthday. My husband and my only living child together. With all that has happened in Sarah's life, the neurological issues, social and temper problems, I don't know if I could have handled another child. I literally have called my mom crying, telling her I was going crazy, when Sarah had horrible neurological problems.
It's hard to believe she is 13 years old. Do I miss the earlier years? For a few fleeting moments, yes. Then I remember the struggles. Would I have done things differently if I had known then, what I know now? YES! However, our struggles propelled me to pray often, research, and talk to people who were able to help. It gave me compassion for an autistic girl that later gave me a hug, when no one else, including her mother, had ever received one from her. I genuinely have compassion for people with differences. There are those that have never had to deal with neurological issues. Some judge, and comment out of ignorance. I am glad I do not think as they do. Through these difficulties, God has given our family a heart of compassion and understanding for others. All be it, we would not have chosen this path if given the choice.
Adversity has given us a platform to stand on, in order to help others. However, I have learned to only help those that want it. I have learned the hard way, that if help is not wanted but forcefully given, it has the opposite effect. Those people do not benefit but become worse for my efforts.
Sarah's 13 years on this planet have been anything but boring. Then again, she is an extraordinary child. How many people do you know that have had ADHD, autism and Asperger's Syndrome, or even one of those neurological problems, but are now fine, can function in social settings and have compassion for others, anyone? Well, after looking at the evidence, and speaking to anyone who knew Sarah then and now, one would conclude that what we did worked. I can't take credit though. God orchestrated the whole thing. Will Sarah ever have problems with neurological issues in her life again? I don't know, but we now know what causes it and how to fix it. If you don't believe me, that's fine. Sarah is well, and to this mama, that's all that matters.
My baby is growing up. I'm told the teen years tend to be the most trying. Oh well, just another chapter in our book of learning how to deal with adversity in life. Perhaps by the time she's an adult I'll know something. I'm very thankful God has given us Sarah to raise and has covered us through it all. Happy Birthday Sarah!
"You are telling me that you have trained physicians who cannot perform a basic physical because it isn't September?" I thought I'd get a giggle, or an acknowledgement that things were at least sounding extreme, but the girl at the doctor's office went on until all I could do was make a quick exit before getting rude. In her defense who knows what all that red tape represents, all I could tell was that my son would not be seen.
We're in a weird place. We are moving to Ann Arbor and our pediatrician of 17 years has quit practicing. Finding someone to take us on took a whole day. Suggestions included driving him over to Ann Arbor and starting care there. I'm not certain how serious my son's issues are, but since they involve breathing, I'd like care here please.
My birthday always reminds me I'm moving spiritually too. Every step carries me closer to my new home. The good thing is I'll never have to change the Physician of my soul. No problems, no red tape can get between us, just my sins, and his forgiveness is my guaranteed cure.
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| Image from: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01523/galloway620_1523750i.jpg |
Take me away from the Pain today
Let me set it Aside like a dirty rag
Soaked in sorrow, Soiled with
suffering
Turn my face to Yours as my eyes
Close
Let me hope, let me Dream again
Sleep is ripped from my grasp
So often,
It slips like silken spider’s thread
From my fingers, and flies away laughing
Catch its elusive dandelion feathers
for me
That I might Rest
As my mind flies Free
From my imperfections
Stay with me
While I escape
Among the stars
I love Nicole's post from last night. Go read it here. I have felt the same way all week long. I am fighting a fight against thoughts, feelings, misunderstandings, and confusion. I feel like my fight is much more Fiona Apple's "Shadow Boxer." The attacks are not coming because of sin issues, although there are always sins in my life that I'm working on and dealing with, but because of blazing success. Theses triumphs come because God reached down and gave me His strength. He turned moments of hateful failure into these moments of success. I need to take a minute to "say" this out loud so that the discouragement does not overwhelm my soul.
I am having tremendous success in a marriage that was in jeopardy last summer. Now, it all seems like some bad dream that is completely over; swept away by God's grace and healing. With the help of a faithful friend and co-leader, Ann Newell, I have taken 57 special needs moms and united them under the banners of "Read more of the Bible" and "You are not alone. We are all with you in this." ALL of us in those two Bible studies report that special needs parenting is the hardest most isolating thing we have ever done. We are ALL grateful that we found each other in the name of Jesus who brings support. We are taking time to ourselves and for five minutes everyday, giving that time to Jesus. I am personally meeting one of these ladies during my vacation and we both feel like we are meeting family. My parents are going to be moving in soon and that will be a HUGE benefit to both families. In all honesty, my parents, my spouse, and I are all looking forward to this moment. Things are improving in every quarter! I love my church and they have put us on the rolls as members and been very encouraging all the way.
But now, in this moment, alone at my computer with kids playing upstairs, I feel the questions creeping in. I feel the false accusations and hurtful words in my head. They come because of the many MANY times in my life that I have failed miserably: from the times that I had to crawl back out of captivity. They come because they know where I have been. They would do anything to drag me back. They sound like this, "Oh yeah? YOU did all that? I don't think so. You are a failure. You are not enough. Sin issues you're DEALING WITH? not at all. You are a wallower. You are a miserable mother. A good mother would have done this blog while her kids are still asleep. Hear them fighting? That is because of you and your utter failure as a mother and person."
STOP.
You are the liar and the father of lies.
None of that is true.
But there it is. Real facts twisted around in the most hurtful of ways. Are you having these thoughts today? Are you having victory that the enemy is trying hard to tear away from you? Have you made progress only to have that self same progress thrown in your face? Cry out to Jesus. Put up monuments to the victory that He has given you in His holy name. Stand on His grace and in the Light of the Glorious Love of the Father. With Him on your side, you are NEVER a failure. His MERCY is new EVERY MORNING. It says in that verse, (Lamentations 3:19-24 NKJV) that EVERY MORNING, He keeps us from being consumed by the horrible attack. That is His compassion.
If you aren't pulling out of captivity, if things are not looking bright and cheerful, please know that you are not alone. God is calling you and in HIS power and on HIS strength, He will personally lift you. Just put an arm up or if that feels too much, cry out to Him. He will hear you and His mercy, NOT his condemnation, but His MERCY is new Every Single Morning and I praise Him for that.
If you aren't pulling out of captivity, if things are not looking bright and cheerful, please know that you are not alone. God is calling you and in HIS power and on HIS strength, He will personally lift you. Just put an arm up or if that feels too much, cry out to Him. He will hear you and His mercy, NOT his condemnation, but His MERCY is new Every Single Morning and I praise Him for that.
Spiritual battle is real folks. It's ugly too.
We are constantly at war.
Lately my mind rings a particular "theme song" for this season of life from Barlow Girl. The chorus reads like this;
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
I am fighting a battle that is already won, so I give myself to the victor.
I may be battered and bruised, but I still come out swinging.
It has been one round after the other.
A sneaky blow to the side, a sock right between the eyes, or a nasty kick while I am down.
I need to remember that though Satan can use others to fight for him, it is his evil self that is the attacker.
Though things may seem as though they have been shaken up and dumped out, and folks have turned away from spoken truth.
He asks me to stand and fight.
To take a stand for his word and to point others to him.
To continue to do what he has called me to, and let my soul pour out his love.
That my actions will show my true heart.
That wisdom in silence will be louder than mindless chatter.
To get in the ring for another round.
One thing I have particularly had a hard time spending money on over the past six years is to pay a babysitter so my husband and I can go out on a date. During the first 4.5 years of motherhood I was working part-time. It didn't bother me to pay for a babysitter then, because the reason I needed a babysitter was so I could earn money and provide health insurance for our family. My husband and I met at a ballroom dancing class in 1997. During the years we dated, we went to ballroom dancing classes whenever possible. Over the past thirteen years of marriage, we have done almost no ballroom dancing. I recently learned of a ninety minute class being offered less than a mile from our house on Friday nights. It sounded like a wonderful thing for us to do, but I was immediately feeling guilty about spending $18 for the two of us to take the class plus whatever it would cost to pay a babysitter to watch our kids for two hours. A few days later while taking my kids to their horseback riding lessons, it hit me that I did not bat an eye at the thought of spending the money for my two kids to each have five 30 minute private $10 horse back riding lessons. Why is it easier for me to spend money on my children? Right then and there I told myself that we were going to take the ballroom dancing lessons because it's something that we both enjoy, and it's also great exercise. It's an investment in our marriage. The next time I feel guilty about spending money so my husband and I can go out on a date, I am going to remind myself of the things we pay for our children to do like take gymnastics classes. I don't want to have to wait until all our children are grown (our youngest is not yet 2 years old) to make memories with my husband. After my relationship with the Lord, my relationship with my husband should be my top priority in life.
This past Sunday, we celebrated Father's Day. I read a post by Ann Voskamp in which she was telling the story of a man who was seeking his father's approval and blessing, and his father felt unable to give that because he had never received that from his own father. Ann made the comment that "You can't deeply love your parents until you grieve the deep wounds of their life." Now, I'm not sure that I completely agree with this statement, however, I understand what she is saying, and it made me ponder my own father's life.
My father was just four years old in April of 1945 when Granny received the dreaded telegram informing her that her husband was among those soldiers who made the ultimate sacrifice, and just a few weeks before the end of WWII. As my father grew up, my Granny dated a fellow who was the closest thing to a father figure that Dad ever had, and it was not a pleasant experience. In spite of never having the example of a loving father in his own life, my Dad never let a day go by without letting me and my siblings know in word and in deed that we were deeply loved, and that our mother was well-loved also. He has always been a living example to us all of how to love your family.
Another influential person in my life shared a tribute to her father and to her husband in which she wrote: "I was blessed by my dad's love in my life and by his example...so much so that I chose a man cut from the same cloth. He is the most successful man that I know...mainly because he has made his wife happy all of her life with him and has loved and enjoyed being a father to his daughters." This really struck me, as I see similarities in my life. My father has influenced my life to the extent that I found a husband who is very much like him, and I am so grateful to be able to say that, and to say that my husband has made me happy and that he has loved his children as well.
An option in dealing with an untimely pregnancy is abortion. This is one of the most controversial subjects, in many areas of our society. People have protests, marches, get into arguments and fight. People have even killed adults and gone to jail over their beliefs.
This option appeals to some because it is the least financially expensive choice. It is the least time consuming also. This has the least amount of responsibility attached to it, or so it would seem.
A friend of mine became pregnant in business school. Out of curiosity I asked, "Why don't you have an abortion"? She looked at me with intense eyes and said, "what is the difference between having an abortion, and going up to someone in the street then shooting them in the head"?
I will not sugar coat
it. Abortion comes with a curse. Without forgiveness from God, it holds a day of
judgment. God requires an answer from all who shed blood. This comes
with emotional scars and sometimes physical ones. It may include very unpleasant things in the doctors office that one doesn't easily forget, smells, sounds ect. It may take away the ability to have children later also.
You knit me together in my mothers whom, from before time you knew me, the bible says. From the moment
of conception, the woman carries a child, not a blob of tissue, a
person. So when a person's life is ended against their will, by definition, that is murder.
This choices consequences are far reaching. It brings up
strong emotions in those involved with it. There are those who were forced to have sex against their will, and then forced to abort the child. I have seen the tears and consoled the women, years after the fact.
Those that have made this choice or were forced into it, need to heal. They need their Heavenly Father's forgiveness. They do not need our judgment, condemnation, cold stares or speaking at them, rather then to them. They need tissues and hugs, compassion, a lifting up in prayer and removal of a curse. One never knows what they will do, unless they are placed into that position. Please pray for those who are contemplating abortion and those that have had them. May love overshadow them and keep their foot from straying into the clutches of Satan. But for the grace of God, go we.
I told our pastor that I remember when I was a little girl my dad ran a Sunday School bus route for that church and I loved going with him. He always had a pocket full of smarties or tootsie rolls to give the kids.
Dad recounted one particular Sunday with a little boy who was suffering from a toothache. Dad had reached out multiple times to this boy's father with no visible success. This Sunday, the boy was in quite some pain, so Dad held him on his lap while the bus driver maneuvered through the route delivering kids back to their homes.
As they approached the turn off to the boy's house, he looked up at my dad and said "Mr. Kincaid, when I grow up, I want to be just like you". My dad told him that he should want to be like his own father when he grew up. "No, sir. I don't want to be like him. I want to be like you."
Years later, Dad would learn that this boy's father did eventually give his heart to Jesus. The man who had been so harsh and set against anything having to do with church went back to some of the folks who had reached out to him and his family for years and thanked them.
Listening to my dad tell the story today, I thought about the words that boy said.... "When I grow up, I want to be just like you". Then I thought...... "Me too".
I had a bad night last night. I woke up around 3am and found myself processing a lot of information and worries badly. The "what if"s, "might be"s had there way with me and I'm not over it yet. I have a rule for anything I think about between 2-4am. I roll over, go back to sleep and see if it holds up in the morning. Most of the time that is a great help, but this time there was too much. Our upcoming move is taking too long, my handsome is over in Ann Arbor, so there is too much to process and no one to help.
So, what to do? "Cast all your cares on him for he cares for you." I need to do a better job of choosing my comforts. Snacking and TV are taking up too much time and waistline. Other comforts are slower but better. I need to remember my limitations, and that no matter what control is out of my hands. I need to confess my sins and leave the enemy no room to taunt. I need to remember the truth is I don't know what's best.
Speak to me
in the Stillness
For the
world has worn me thin
Tell me I am
not hopeless
Forgive me for
all my sin
All around
me is Clamoring
The Angry Urgent
presses Close
Until I find
it hard to Breathe
Just when I
need it most
Let me rest
in Your Beauty
Surround me
with Your Love
Whisper “It
will be alright!”
Turn my eyes
Above
Renew my
ragged spirit
Take me, for
a moment, Away
Refresh my
mind, and Strengthen my joy
That I may
Serve You for One More Day
In Gladness
Shopping in the big box club store in summer with children is an adventure. The odd lighting, oddly quiet and then blaring music, the pushy sample grandmas, and the lack of selection all line up to make everyone off sorts. This last time it started at the door. As I corralled the kids around our cart du jour, I saw that several people walked in with a dour expression and moving very quickly. Consequentially, none of them had to stop, dig out their cards, and show them. I'm not rude and with a three year old in tow, I'm not moving quickly. I got the cart, maneuvered my kids around a cart in a way they won't fight with each other, walked toward the store, and smiled at the clerk at the door. She made me stop, get my card out of my purse, and show it.
*************really****************
I showed it, because that is officially the rules, but I could not help but be annoyed. If that truly is the rule, then follow it with every customer even if they look upset and in a hurry. Otherwise you are just annoying an already annoyed and harried subset of people: slow moving moms.
This made me stop short and filled my mind the rest of the trip. I wasn't annoyed by having to show my card, I was annoyed because people who had been rude didn't have to because they were rude. There was so much there I could not wait to sit down and tell you all about it.
1. There is never any reason to be rude to little old lady door greeters at Big Box Club Store. Truly. I need to give them a break and let them do their job. Yes, you saved one minute by not having to take out your wallet, but you became less of a person in the process.
2. When in a place to do a job, I need to consistently apply what I know to be true. Inconsistency breeds frustration in my family. In my life as a SAHM, there are rules and schedules of the day that really frustrate my children much less if they are consistently applied. For example, every Wednesday needs to be a clean up day every single week if I expect them to participate happily, I need to clean my bedroom working hard beside them as they clean theirs. If I skip Wednesdays, I know that next week I'll hear, "Do we have to Mom?????? We didn't last week!"
3. I need to stop punishing people for slowing down and being polite. Especially my children. When they want to help but have no skill set to do so and would make my job that much harder, I need to acknowledge that they WANT to help. Somehow I need to include them and make them a part of what I am doing so that they will always want to help in the future. They will be given many reasons to stop being helpful and polite in the future I must not be one of them.
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless....
When I think of reckless things, I think of out of control, chaos.
Rocks being hurled down a dusty dirt covered hill.
Nerf bullets flying through the kitchen while china is being laid out.
A hondred students throwing paint on their faces and using their bodies as sheilds to defend a flag accross the feild.
Reckless?
No
Chaos?
Controlled chaos at it's finest.
But, what about our words? Are we hurling unintentional words out for whoever will listen? Are we pushing our agendas with our opinions that fly accross the room and peirce another's heart?
Are we quick to speak, and slow to listen....if we even bother to listen?
Lord, help my words be selected by you. Intentionally. Words that give life. Words that bring healing.
It is ok to stop talking, if we run out of life-giving words to say.
My three children all began as embryos in a fertility clinic. My boys were both transferred to my womb five days after fertilization. My daughter was frozen after five days and then transferred three months later. Our third ivf cycle resulted in both a pregnancy and a frozen embryo, which didn't happen in my first two cycles. This meant that our last embryo was frozen for twenty months before it was transferred. During my third child's pregnancy and infancy, I wasn't thinking in terms of this being my last pregnancy or last baby because I knew we had one more embryo. Three of my first four embryo transfers were five day transfers (blastocysts, if you want the technical term), and all three had resulted in a viable pregnancy. My first embryo transfer, which resulted in a very early miscarriage, was a three day embryo transfer. Knowing that our fifth and final transfer would be another blastocyst transfer led me to be rather optimistic that it would result in another viable pregnancy, but that was not what happened. I saw those two beautiful lines on the pregnancy test, but the pregnancy did not last very long. My due date was this week. For the past several months I have often found myself thinking about where I would have been in the pregnancy, if I hadn't lost the baby. If this child had been born, my husband would have loved him or her dearly, but for a variety of reasons, this miscarriage actually brought a sense of relief to him. It has bothered me at times that I seem to be the only one who remembers or feels any grief over the loss of our last baby. I am comforted by the knowledge that my baby is in the presence of Jesus, and some day I will finally be able to hold that little one in my arms.
If I was still able to have one more baby, this miscarriage would be easier to handle. Part of what is making it harder for me is that our trying to conceive journey is ending on a very sad note. In our society there exists the notion that we can exercise birth control, but in reality both unplanned pregnancies and infertility will always exist in this fallen world. God is the author of life. We are not in control. One of my sisters started trying to conceive her first child a few months before I did. Her oldest child is eleven years old (mine is about to turn six), and she's currently pregnant with her seventh child. When I contemplate situations like this, I am choosing to focus on my blessings instead of my losses. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home homeschooling mom. I don't want to steal joy away from these years by focusing on how much I would have loved to have a fourth child. For many years the sight of a pregnant belly brought tears to my eyes. I don't want to go through that again. When I am tempted to feel sad, I am trying to remind myself of my three blessings. I have not forgotten about my babies in Heaven, but I am choosing joy!
"We tend to look to others to make us happy. The moment our happiness is dependent on someone else we have made them our source. Which means our happiness vacillates with their behavior. We are now feeling lack, which gives birth to codependency. The ultimate codependency is when we look outside of ourselves to meet a need that only God can meet in our heart! Blinded by need, we make needy decisions which actually destroy any hope of true happiness. Others can contribute to our happiness, but they can never be the source. The only people who are truly happy are the ones that are happy regardless of others. Only when we can be happy without others are we able to actually make the necessary decisions that lead to a life of happiness. When we are happy independent of the actions of others we can walk in God’s love and open the door of endless possibilities for happiness!"
While skimming through my Facebook posts the other day, this quote from Dr. Jim Richards caught my attention, and it made me recall a period of time in my life where my circumstances were less than ideal, and I had to choose daily (sometimes moment by moment) to not base my sense of "happiness" on my current circumstance. I was going through a divorce, mourning the death of something that I had believed would last. I was told by well-meaning friends that I "deserved to be happy." I had to take a good hard look at what that meant, and I made a decision that whatever happened, I was not going to look to another person to "fulfill me" or to make me happy. I determined within myself that I was going to allow the Lord to fill that need for happiness as I walked with Him. Philip told me when we were courting that one of the things that had attracted him to me was the genuine joy and peace that I exuded despite the painful things that had occurred in my life. Now that doesn't mean that my life lacks drama and times where I don't feel happy, however, I can still go through life with a sense of peace despite the things going on around me.
I have observed so many dear friends and acquaintances who have been searching for happiness and are convinced that they can only find that in another person, and I have seen the drama and heartache that they have found instead. It breaks my heart for them, and whenever I have opportunity, I share with them what I have learned. I pray that they will also learn to find their worth and their happiness in God as they allow Him to heal their wounds and love on them.
If you read my blog last week between 6-8 a.m., this is essentially the same blog. However, I put a different one at 9 a.m. if you would like to read it. I meant to reschedule this before it went up.
I myself had an untimely pregnancy. I chose to give my son to a couple to adopt. I was not ready to be a parent in any way. The benefits are; the mom chooses if she wants to remain in contact with the family and child or not, whom the parents will be. Everything is in her control until the day she gives the child over to their new parents. At that point, all control is relinquished. The biological parents may choose weather or not to see their child again with a closed or open adoption. I chose to have open contact when desired for either party. It was awkward for the first few years. However after 17 years, our families get along well and things are no longer awkward. I speak to my son on the phone, have attended birthday parties, a track meet, their church, stayed in their home and they ours.
There were adversities also. My boss almost fired me, because he was against my choice. Then the company was taken over by another, and he was fired instead. The biological father said he would only give me money for an abortion at first. Later he was a bit more helpful.
What are the side effects of this decision? Usually, around my son Luke's birthday, I am agitated and overreact. Sometimes I have a melt down and cry till I can't cry any longer. I use to drink myself into oblivion until Luke's birthday and mothers day, which are close together or the same day, had passed. Thankfully, God has healed me and given me a new perspective on alcohol. The emotional toll is difficult, but I have a peace too. Luke has been well cared for. We have a relationship. Best of all, I had the opportunity to give a precious gift to a couple longing for a child.
The side effects on the children may be that they feel abandoned, have spiritual issues often, and may act out to get attention. Often they don't feel like they belong, especially if a natural born child is in the home. They usually are very loved and well cared for. They are thought of as a precious gift and the adoptive parents are usually financially sound because it is very expensive to adopt. Most of the time the parents are a little older too. So they bring more wisdom to the child's life. Adoption is difficult but it is a wonderful path that I recommend to some. Not all are meant to take that path.
To those that did not have to make a similar choice, I ask; Please give compassion and understanding for what ever choice others make. One does not know what they would do fully, unless they themselves are in that situation. This may be a touchy subject but untimely pregnancies, that end in adoption can be a blessing to all involved.
God works all things together for good, to them who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
A knock at the door produced 2 kids (brother and sister) from up the street wanting to come in. I immediately said "No". I didn't want anyone seeing what a mess my house was. It was trashed. I had nothing to offer these kids and was annoyed that they had just shown up on my doorstep.
My 8 year old knew them from school and helped them explain to me that they were supposed to ride a different bus to their grandma's house, but the school sent them home on their normal bus. There was nobody home. Their mom was at the Emergency Room with their baby brother. They were 8 and 9 years old..
It was really cold outside, and I couldn't stand the thought of them being stuck out in the cold for however long it took for their mom to return. So I stepped back and let them in. As they entered my house, I caught my breath at the smell coming from them. We called their mom to assure her that they were safe and that they could hang out until she could get them. I fed them some stale chips...the only snack food that we had in the house. I gave them some fruit punch. They sat in the living room and watched cartoons until an older sibling stopped by to get them.
The next day my daughter caught me off guard by blurting out that those kids kept telling her how nice our house is. I was a little bewildered. After all, my opinion of my house was that it was a hot mess and an embarrassment. My daughter went on to say that they told her that they liked the chips and drinks I gave them. You see, they didn't have running water in their house, so they couldn't make fruit punch. They didn't have snacks at their house, and they didn't get to watch cartoons there either. The little girl had admitted to my daughter that she didn't like wearing mismatched clothes, but she had to wear whatever she could find that was clean. She also wished she could take a shower sometimes.
I felt humbled and convicted. I hadn't wanted to let them in because I was afraid that what I had to offer wasn't good enough, but what I had viewed as "trashed".....they dream of having.
Ever have
the feeling that things just aren’t as they should be? There are times when you feel like your
family is completely under attack, even from some you consider friends. Things break, people or animals die, sickness
makes everything undoable , hopes are dashed, relationships fall apart, dreams
shatter, bills threaten, confidences are betrayed---and usually, a lot of this
happens at the same time. The fight to
do Right seems futile, and sometimes I get weary of trying. I give the hurt, the hopelessness, to God,
and then I have to do it again, and again.
It comes back like waves upon the shore, and I feel eroded. Still, I will. When I think about it, maybe I haven’t done
absolutely Everything wrong and therefore am suffering the wrath of God for
being completely Wrong in all things. I
have been redeemed and forgiven, and He loves me as His own. Maybe things really aren’t as they should be,
maybe people aren’t as they should be, and maybe I myself am not as I should
be—but God is Always as He should Be. Maybe
my erosion isn’t going to eat away at me until I am destroyed, but will change
me for good. As long as my life is in
God’s hands, my heart belonging to Him, my future trusted to His care--as many
times as it takes—I know that He is drawing me closer to Himself. I can trust the One Who loves me the most,
and, no matter how high the waves get or how much ground is lost, I really am
Secure.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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