Mom's Day Off

   Aaahhhh! A day off. Finally! Time for a much needed respite from the craziness that is my life. The thoughts and plans of how to spend my free time dance around in my head like a thousand sparkling fairies.
   Should I read? Write? Work on music? Catch a movie? Meet up with a friend for a long overdue lunch? Sit on the porch and soak up the sunshine?  Then it happens....
   A knock on the door. "Mom, I have a headache. Can I stay home from school?" Another knock. Another kid enters the room with her fourth nosebleed in 24 hours. "I feel dizzy".  The fairies start to spit and sputter and then disappear altogether as this mom springs into action. A call to the doctor's office adds 2 more appointments to the 4 that were already scheduled for today.
   After the first 2 appointments, I drop one kid off to school. Go home. Start laundry. Another nosebleed. The phone rings. Must go sign treatment forms for yet another kid. Doctor appointment for headache = concussion. Doctor appointment for nosebleed = lab work and a referral to a specialist. Phone call while at doctor appointment = need to take medications to school for another kid.
   Desperate for a nap. Dinner still needs cooked. Kids are coming home from school. Phone rings. Must order dance shoes for girls. Still have 2 appointments to go. Hubby comes to the rescue by taking the girls to their final appointments. Dinner gets cooked. Homework gets checked. Dinner is served. On to band rehearsal and track practice. Bedtime for kids. Another nosebleed. Still must write blog....
   Thinking about when life was less busy. Less noisy. Less demanding. Remembering empty bedrooms. Empty arms. Empty womb. Snuggling down under the covers. Thankful for Mom's day off.

When the Skinny Lady Sings

My first personal conversion took place in my preschool years and heavily involved the idea of The Good Shepherd looking for me, so when I'm stressed Psalm 23 is a go to Scripture for me. I know lots of tunes to sing it with, but they aren't for sale at iTunes. I'll have to wait for T. Bone Burdett to take an interest in Christian Fundamentalist music from the seventies and eighties. While I'm waiting, I searched to see what they did have, and I discovered Kathryn Jenkins. She has an amazing Good Shepherd Aria that now calls me to wake, and soothes me when I'm overwhelmed. The rest of the album is pretty good too.

My childhood was full of singing. All day everyday there were opportunities to belt it out, and I loved it. One of the only times I saw my grandfather angry about something at church was when the city-slicker, intellectual music minister tried to teach us new "gloomy" songs. We only did gloomy for altar calls. Sometimes I would stop singing in order to listen to all that joy. It was better than any sermon, and I still hunt those memories up when I'm feeling alone. 

Sometimes we forget how necessary encouraging and including other people in our lives truly is. I can't sing like Kathryn Jenkins, but I can speak the truth with love. I can be present. I can pray. Take some time today to remember your friends, even those who seem fine. Most of us hide our weakness, but everyone likes to hear the skinny lady sing.

Tea-nager

Image from: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fc/Meissen-teacup_pinkrose01.jpg

Tea-nager

“Aren’t you going to drink your tea?”

Looks with longing at sister’s cup

Sister: “I’m letting it cool.  No, you can’t have it!”

Touches cup with one finger. “It looks ready.”

Sister: Reaches out a sock-foot and touches cup

“There.  Now you won’t want it. Get your own!”

“Ew. That’s disgusting!”

“Ha ha, but it’s Mine!”

Mom: “Why don’t you go make yourself a cup?”

“Sigh.” Doesn’t make any move to do so.

This same daughter, who does NOT like to make her own tea,

And usually takes mine whenever I have it in sight,

Brought me a cup, made by herself, without me asking

Last week when I was sick in bed with a bad cold

Love is thoughtful beyond Habits

Kindness doesn’t even think about the Unusual

It just IS, and DOES, while its giver Sparkles

And I am grateful for a daughter’s unselfish heart

That’s my cup of tea!

Confidence

Being part of this new bible study, God has been opening my eyes.  There are not many new revelations on this theme he is trying to press into my heart, he has been talking to me for far too long about this one.  I just haven't let it sink in deep I suppose.

Confidence. 

Where do I find my value?

Will I ever get to the point where I feel like "enough".

The only answer is .... In Christ.

Christ makes me able to do more than what is ever imaginable. He gives me the words, the strength and wisdom.  When he asks me to do something, he will also make a path for it to be accomplished.  He pays for what he orders.  He equips those he calls.

God is who I will answer to.  I don't think for a second that he will question why I have chosen to organize this way or that.  But, he will talk with me about how I love, speak to and handle his precious children.  

Jesus....in his image, I am.  That is more than any to-do list I can come up with.  

Lord, help me to see myself through your eyes.  To have a heart that follows passionatly after you.  Help us all to see where our confidence can be stored.  Restore our hearts and ready them for your work.  Let us be you in flesh.  Use us oh Lord, for your glory.

Let me off the ride!

My father's family owned an amusement park in Pittsburgh. Loving amusement parks was programmed into my DNA. As a child, the only ride I didn't enjoy was the cylinder in which the centrifugal force was strong enough to pin all the riders to the walls. For as long as I can remember, I have loved roller coasters. If you are ever in central Pennsylvania, I highly recommend The Phoenix at Knoebels Amusement Park.

I do not enjoy emotional roller coasters. During our years of infertility I would get my hopes up and then would come crashing down each month that I was not pregnant or each time I had a miscarriage. Over the past seventeen months I've been on another roller coaster ride as my husband has been searching for a job. We submit an application and hope that he will be called for a phone interview. I've submitted over one hundred applications for him. About twenty of those have resulted in phone interviews. After each phone interview we wait and hope that he will be invited to interview on campus. Many times we never hear from the school again, but other times he has made it to the next stage of the interview process. When that happens, we wait and hope he will be offered the job, but almost every time he has gotten a rejection email instead. We are very, very ready to get off this ride, but as I read in a novel a few days ago, "The opposite of getting your hopes up is not harboring any". As painful as disappointments may be ("Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12), the absence of hope is a much worse state of being. I must continue to submit applications and pray, even if it means more ups and downs on this job search roller coaster.

Sight Unseen

I recently reconnected with some longtime friends that I had lost contact with for many years.  I had attended school with the son and Bible studies and church with the father.  In catching up with them, I started following the son's love story in meeting a Filipina woman whom he married a few weeks ago on his parents' anniversary.  I spoke to his father last weekend and asked about the son and his family and how long it would be before his bride could join him here in the U.S. (he had to leave her and return to the States after their honeymoon).  I am still waiting to hear the whole love story, and it will take up to three months before she can join her husband, but I loved what the father told me about when his son was preparing to travel to the Philippines to claim his bride.  When the son went to speak to his boss about getting a leave of absence from work, his boss said, "Now let me get this straight.  You have never met this woman in person or seen her face-to-face.  You have never touched her.  Yet you say you love her and are going to go marry her?  I don't understand...

My friend's reply to his boss still echoes in my head:  "Sir, I have told you that I am a born-again Christian.  I have never met Jesus Christ in person or seen him face-to-face.  I have never touched him.  But I love him and have given my life to him just the same."

I love the simplicity of his answer and of his faith in Christ.  It is so easy to rely on our senses for so many things in this world, but it takes a true leap of faith to believe that the God of the Universe is passionately pursuing us because he loves us unconditionally and wants a relationship with us, so much so that he sacrificed his one and only Son to restore the relationship. 

We love Him because He first loved us. ~1John 4:19

A Request, Then A, Oh?!

This winter has been a hard one, we all can agree,

my request to the almighty, this is my plea.

Lord, please let the snow and cold end now,

I am utterly tired, of saying owe.

I ache to see the sun, on a permanent basis,

this request has merited, upon these cases.

My joints ache from shoveling the heavy snow,

and the ache from the cold, I have come to know.

Oh end this madness, Lord my God,

I must dance in sunlight, even if others think me odd.

I lay this request before Your feet,

for I know that my needs, You always meet.

You are the one who designed the winds,

the waves and the snow, You choose when to rescind.

You have a plan for this weather, I know not of,

the snow, wind, ice, and the sky above.

Alas, I resign my hearts desires, to You alone,

For You plan every detail, even as I groan.
Oh my Lord, perhaps there is one thing You desire for me,
not to deal with bugs this summer, to a large degree?!
Now that's what I'm talking about, Almighty God!
I totally get it now, yes, I know I'm still odd.
I'm good with the cold, the snow and sleet,
As long as those menacing critters, permanently retreat.

May The almighty God, do as He so chooses

 and may we delight in Him, no matter what.

That's a Stretch...

The sign says it all.... Beyond that sign is unfamiliar territory. The unknown. A whole world of possibilities. Some folks would just run full speed ahead to see what was around the next corner. Then there is me...
I like the familiar. I like calm. I like being in the background. I like singing harmony and blending in. I like the soothing predictability of routine. The thought of leaving my comfort zone makes me feel... well...uncomfortable.
But this is where I find myself lately. Moving and doing things that stretch me beyond anything I had ever conceived... All to move in the direction that I feel God is calling and leading me. I catch myself questioning God. Asking if he is sure. Reminding him that there are others who have more to offer. That are better qualified. More experienced. That can sing better. Speak better. Walk without tripping.

Still....He calls. I can't escape. It pulls on me. It disrupts my plans. It invades my dreams.

You see, this is my story to tell. My journey to walk. There are times my brain will say that I don't have what it takes to do what I feel He is calling me to do. I need to remind myself what the truth is....

I have Him living on the inside of me. And He is more than enough.

Dehydrating

I did not expect growing older to feel like dehydrating. I received the general heads up about the wrinkles, but I didn't think I'd feel that what was left would be more me instead of less. Parts of myself are falling away, no longer useful for who I will be, but instead of a loss these parts that remain are better, more concentrated, more distinctly, authentically me. So much time that was consumed by self-conscious fears and the complexities of bearing children, now goes to the complexities of raising children and bravely completing projects I'd have put way out of my league (and been right) in the past. The beginning of old age has been a much needed dent in my vanity. My running start is so much shorter than it used to be. The tricks of speed and beauty, essential to my youth, are not there, so I must rely on what's practiced but imperfect. I must admit I need help. I must admit I made mistakes.

These are very good things, worthy of wrinkles and grey hair.  Worthy of getting closer and closer to the the end of the show. Like all good gifts they comes down from the Father of Light. 

Interim

When God has scraped the ruins of your life

From the dirty pavement, and set you on your feet once again,

It’s hard to know where to go from there

You’ve been disoriented for so long,

Whirling around in the storm, torn into tatters

That it takes some time for the swirling to stop

You must wait for details to fall into place,

Floating like feathers taking their beautiful time

Because who ever told you that God must Guide quickly?

That your answers must come like McNuggets of Wisdom,

Fast, Cheap, or not at all, leaving you with slight indigestion?

There will always be another storm

Be still, and know that He is God

It’s not about you, and you will not be perfect

Until He transforms you in Eternity

Enjoy His Peace, that Great Breath of fresh air

Separating the storms, there lies Understanding

And soon your next step will be clear

Just one, from the Perfect One, for an imperfect one

He loves, with all your weakness

He knows, and He will make a way

In His Strength, your weakness is an Opportunity

For Grace, transformed in His Glory

To Enjoy the Goodness of life

Given

The System is Down.

     Ok, all of you Strongbad fans out there will be singing that all day long. (Strongbad)  All my adult life I've been looking for that amazing system that will organize my brain and help me be more "On It." For that first part of my adult life this meant almost no discernible system other than, "I wish I could get stuff done. That'd be nice." Then I started to get serious about folders.  OH then there was the three by five cards. And then I'd just start comparing myself to other people. I'd think, "She works full time for a check AND has kids. Her floors are always clean. sigh." On and on until I just totally and completely gave up on doing much of anything than just survive. We'll call those the stinky years.
     Then I just started to pray. (Duh. Right? took long enough.) I prayed about what God would have me do. That He would direct my steps. That He would show me if I should do laundry or grocery shop. Ya, I got that confused. Something amazing happened. He showed up and all of a sudden, I just knew how to spend my day. When Mrs. ReallyWellMeaning called and said, "We need a snack co-ordinator and nursery worker" I prayed harder! I was astounded when I just knew what I could say "yes" to and what I could say "no" to. The stress of wanting to say "yes" to everything and then losing my mind, just melted away. AND Mrs. ReallyWellMeaning found other people with better gifting to do the job I said "no" to--BECAUSE I was not the one meant to do it.
     OH and I absolutely HAD to take my eyes off of all the others around me. I do not have their gifts and they do not have mine. I cannot live their lives and they cannot live mine.
     God wants us to be useful. He wants us to help others. He wants to infuse us with wisdom, discernment, and systems that are tailor made just for us. I do have a system in place that He gave me and works for me. I finally feel like I can get it done. Thanks be to God on High for His grace and healing in this area.
     If you feel swamped and lonely and like your System is Down, please, look up to Jesus and pray to the one who made you to show you what He would have you do today. And then simply listen and obey. He will direct your paths.

Sometimes love is closed door

Please forgive me for the refrence to the super cheesy song.  My children have enjoyed the lastest craze and have reenacted the scenes over and over.  One song they have skipped over in their memorization is "Love is an open door".   In my last post, I talked a bit about doors flung open hard.  Opened by a God who deeply loves.  There are so many times in our lives when we realize that we cannot ignore the doors that he opens for us.  They are blatant and obvious at times, while other times we may not even be sure if they are open.  Maybe just a crack, should we decide to peek in.  Today, however, I would like to talk about the closed door.  My husband and I began praying along side some amazing ministry partners many years ago.  Something the man said struck me.  He asked God to only open the doors he wanted us to go through. And, Lord, please only one door at a time.  We may not have the clarity and insight needed to discern and choose which door he wants for us.  Oh, how I have prayed this prayer in so many areas of our lives since those precious days.  Sometimes all we hope for is an open door.  Whether  it is a new journey to persue, or a way in which wew should respond to a situation.  Lord, please, an open door.  But, sometimes that very door is shut.  Quietly closed, or slammed hard and locked.  God knows.  He knows the plans he has for you.  He knows the journey you are on.  Where you need to get to for the next step, the next opportunity, the next heart to touch.  So, sometimes the door is shut.  Sometimes, love is a closed door.

The Stranger's Name

Young children usually seem to think that adults know everything. At the shopping mall or the playground, my children often point to a child I've never seen before, and ask me what his or her name is. I, of course, have no earthly idea. At other times, preschoolers think they know more than their parents, which is as comical as the assumption that we know the name of every person on the planet. If I am honest, I have done the same with my Heavenly Father. In my head, I know that He is omniscient (all knowing), and yet at times I seem to think I have a better plan for my life than He does. When I was twenty-three years old and had yet to be asked out on a date, it was hard to trust that His plan was best because my heart's desire was to be married. When I was thirty-five years old and my arms were still empty after six years of marriage, it was very hard to believe that He knew best while every fiber of my being longed for the day I would become a mother. The truth of the matter is that my Father knows the name of every single person and how many hairs are on each precious head. The next time I am tempted to think my plan is better than His (like right now when my husband is struggling to find a job), I am going to remember how silly it seems when a toddler or preschooler thinks he knows more than me. My job isn't to understand why things happen but just to trust that my Father knows best (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Authenticity

Get Real! The Authentic Christian (Music - Mandisa; The Truth About Me)


Over the last several years, my husband's band, Longing For Eden, has been on a life journey.  They approached the man who is now the producer of their first and soon to be released CD, and asked him to provide spiritual oversight for the band.  (He has also become a spiritual father to my husband and me since then.)  They gave him songs that they had written, and he handed them back, stating that they were "nice" songs, and if they just wanted to write nice Christian platitudes, that he wasn't interested, but if they were willing to write songs that were "real", then he would consider working with them.  He saw the potential that was within the band to truly make an impact on people's lives, however, without the willingness to become vulnerable and to put their own struggles and triumphs into musical form, he felt that they would just be another "nice" Christian band in the crowd.  That conversation began the journey where "Out of the Ashes" was transformed into "Longing For Eden".  I have been privileged to watch the growing pains and the victories as they have been stretched far out of their comfort zones, both as individuals and as a band, and I am so excited to see the fruit of the journey so far, and anticipating the fruit to come.



This journey of authenticity has also become my own.  I spent far too many years of my Christian walk wearing masks and trying desperately to measure up to what I thought a "good Christian" should be like.  I was terrified that if people truly knew the real me with my real struggles, that they would want nothing to do with me.  (This is coming from someone who was raised in the church!)  My husband and I watched the above video last night and I told him that I sometimes feel that I have more of a struggle with being totally honest with myself, because if and when I do confront my own weaknesses, I must change.  If not, I will live out the definition of insanity, which is continually doing the same thing in the same way and expecting different results.  This is not a comfortable journey, and stretches me out of my own comfort zones, but I am learning to rest in it and to take it one day at a time.  I know that God loves me, and that his grace is there for me constantly, and I am more deeply aware of it every day.  He brings people into my life who have been burnt badly by well-meaning Christians, and they are looking for something authentic, and someone who will be real with them.  I am learning as I go.  I have to remind myself that this is a journey, and that I will be traveling as long as I live.  

Irish Eyes be Smilin

   
  Oh, my favorite day is tomorrow. I am so excited! I'll be waring green from my head, to my toenails with green shamrocks on them. Oh yeah! I was recently asked. "Do you like St. Patty's Day because of the green beer?" I said, "I love this holiday because a whole nation was told of the gospel of Christ, that had not previously known. Without St. Patrick, my ancestors may not know about the one true God, and that Jesus died a horrible death to save them from their many sins."
    You may remember from last years blog, that St. Patrick was not born in Ireland. He was stolen from his parents estate in England and enslaved by Norsemen taking him to Ireland. Later escaping, he went back to England, where he entered a Catholic Monastery. Afterwards, God told him to go back to Ireland to share the Gospel with the people who had previously enslaved him. That's a pretty tough demand from God. How many of us would do that?
    So for me, this is a less stressful holiday that embodies an awesome gift from God, through St. Patrick. A gift given to the people of my ancestral heritage, who were previously unaware of God's love. Yes, it's a brutal heritage. All one needs to do, is watch the history channel or the movies made about Norsemen who went Viking to understand this. That only makes this story more amazing. A Holy God had compassion on the barbarians of Ireland. Oh, a very proud Irish lass I be.
    I enjoy the festivities of the day. The music, parades, beverages, food, river dancing and the waring of the green. However, if the focus is the festivities alone, then the whole point of the day is lost. So, here's to a loving God, that sent Saint Patrick back to a barbarian nation to share the gospel of Christ to a Godless nation. My Irish eyes be smilin.

Free To Be Me

You are an empty shell.
There is nothing going on inside you.
You are closed off.
You show up with an attitude.
You don't encourage people.
You need to speak up.
You don't have anything to say.
What you really mean is.....
You carry an oppression with you.
You need to be yourself.
If you keep those walls up..... people will stop trying with you.
We have to walk on eggshells with you
You really need to let God heal you.
You just need to let us love you.

   These are the statements that replayed in my head for days on end. Spoken by folks who I admired, respected, and had confided in. Everything I had intended to convey came across just the opposite. Surely they knew what they were talking about.

   My interpretation of these statements was that there was something grossly wrong with me. I was a mess. A disappointment. A failure. A disruption. A broken nothing that was wasting space....and breath. It was my fault that I was stuck, and as long as I remained stuck...I was useless.

   The truth was....there was so much going on inside of me that I didn't know how to process it all. I had been through unimaginable crisis in a short amount of time. I felt confused...frustrated...overwhelmed. In the midst of it all I had been hurting...writing...exposing my soul...talking...blogging...bearing my heart...healing....so how was I coming across as empty? Closed off?? The more I tried to explain, the worse it became. So I gave up. Exhausted. Devastated.

   I remember the moment... I was sitting in the driver's seat waiting to pull out. I saw the semi-truck coming.  The thought to just pull out anyway...It would be so easy. Life insurance would pay if it was an "accident". Life would be better without me around to mess it up. The hitch??  My daughter was sitting in the back seat.

   I know it sounds crazy, but these were real thoughts bombarding my overstimulated brain in the midst of an extremely stressful time. I would concentrate. Trying to force myself to focus on what God has to say about me. Trying to drown out the voices that were constantly reminding me of everything that I thought was wrong with me.

   Relief came from an unlikely place. A high school classmate had posted a link on her Facebook page to a website that was all about introverts and what makes them tick. After a short quiz, I tested positive. I am positively an introvert! As I read about all of my quirks, I felt like a load was lifted off of my chest. I suddenly made sense to me, and for the first time in a long time...I could breathe.

   As I have been coming to terms with my God given personality, I now realize that there isn't anything wrong with me. I have been able to begin forgiving myself for not measuring up to people's expectations of me and focusing more on what God desires for me....which frees me....to be........me.

Worth Fighting For

For each of my daughters:

 A world of dreams shines in your eyes

A glimpse of kindness from your heart

I cannot stop the tears that fall

When life is tearing you apart

The world will say you’re not enough

And Easily Replaced

You might as well go hide away,

Pain hidden by your smiling face

As if you didn’t matter

And so you shouldn’t care

Listen only to the Truth:

You are worth fighting for!

You’re worth the wait,

Much more than pain,

A precious heart worth dying for!

 God dreamed that He would make you,

Beautiful, filled with His Light

The world will try to break you

But His Strength will help you fight

So don’t give up!

Don’t squelch the love that shines within your eyes

As many as reject you,

More will make your spirit rise

Because you really matter

And so you truly care

Don’t change, my lovely daughter!

Instead, let’s change the world,

For you are Loved