In the Christian circuit we hear so much about forgiveness. God's forgiveness towards us. Our forgiveness towards others. But it seems like the most difficult forgiveness to grasp is forgiveness towards ourselves.
I had a long conversation this afternoon with a former foster daughter who is currently working towards having her own child returned to her from foster care. She was upset because of her lack of control in her current situation. She has left a trail of despair from choices that she has made in her past. And although today she is working extremely hard to live differently, the fallout of those choices is still chasing her down.
I listened to her go on and on about how she feels like a failure. A bad mom. Worthless. Powerless. And at times, hopeless. She can't do anything right. Her intentions don't matter. She messed up and can't fix it. She feels guilty. God must be punishing her.
I reminded her of her own childhood. That she has been living a pattern that she learned as a little girl. That her past choices were shaped by her own hurts. That her mistakes had nothing to do with whether she loves her son or not. That God loves her. That God loves her son. That God forgives her shortcomings. Then I asked her "When are you going to start forgiving yourself?"
She cried.
As we continued talking, I recognized myself in her feelings. How often I am so hard on myself for not living up to the standard that I impossibly try to hold myself to. The failures. The "bad mom" moments. The feelings of not being capable of doing anything right. The guilt from taking on responsibility for situations that I had no control of. How it is much easier to forgive others than to offer that same forgiveness to my imperfect self.
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