Expecting

  Twenty years ago... It was all I thought about. It was my hope. My dream. My disappointment. My despair. Month after month was a cycle of anticipation and devastation. As months turned into years, the possibility slipped farther and farther away. I felt sub-human. I couldn't even perform the basic body function of recreating.
   I smiled bravely in the face of every pregnancy announcement of family and friends. I cried privately. I searched for answers. I went to specialists. I took pills. I endured procedures that would make grown men faint. I dreamed about those lines showing up on that stick. In my mind I played out my version of announcing to the world that we were expecting. It never happened.
   Instead, we built our family through foster-adoption. It has been a long process. We fell in love with dozens of children only to watch them leave. We had people tell us that we were crazy for caring about kids who didn't belong to us. When we finally adopted our five children, we also adopted issues like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Learning Disabilities, Depression, Anxiety, Sensory Integration Disorder, and Sleep Disorder. Prior to coming to our home, our children have suffered abuse, hunger, abandonment, homelessness, neglect, domestic violence, drug exposure, and criminal activity. The requirements to meet all of their needs is a daily challenge.
   Today, I no longer live in the disappointment that used to plague my every thought. I am too busy being a mom to the children that God has entrusted to us. It isn't exactly what I was expecting, but it is exactly what God had planned.