Passion

She asked, “What is your passion?”  

Turning focus.

Twisting edges.

Lazy spots.

Obsessions.   

Passion: 

a (1) : emotion <his ruling passion is greed>

(2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason

b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction

(3)a : ardent affection : love

b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept

c : an object of desire or deep interest

To pray more.

To pray for others.

Read the Bible.

Tell it to others.

Hear from God.

          Do what it is that He says.

He told me to help she who had asked.  He told me to be involved.  He told me to step away from hiding.  He told me I was an unused resource.  He said I could do much much much more.

I want to run away.  I like my me time.  I like …… the contradiction of wanting to be useful, but not wanting to work hard.  I like to not be hurt from exposing my soul.  I like the padding that had come from the predictable.  I like not making mistakes anymore by not trying.

Fix me God.

Fix my passion.

Open my heart to service.

Open my heart to your flock.

Questions???????

A question will enter our minds multiple times each day. 
   Why did I forget my purse at home? Furthermore, how could that even happen?
   Is my child, EVER, simply going to do what I ask of them?
   What is this person's name, in front of me, to whom I am speaking?
   Why were those innocent children shot, in school?
   Why can't I go to sleep?
   Can I go around, this person driving in front of me, they are going 10 miles below the speed limit.
   What is the meaning of life?
   How are we going to pay for this?
   Do angels have the sense of smell? If so, when we let a stinker fly, do they hold their noses?
   What color paint will look best in this room?
   Why does God love me? I wouldn't right now. How can He still love me?
   Who is calling now?
   If Satan ever said he was sorry, & meant it, would God forgive him?
   Does this make my butt look big?
Not all questions are life changing. Some are really not all that important. They may feel like they are paramount now, but years later, we realize they really didn't matter. 
   For the questions in life, that make a real difference, it's a comfort to know these promises from the bible; if you seek, you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you, ask and it will be given to you. God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purposes. I'm so glad I am one of those who have been called, are you? Not sure, ask.

Focus

Yesterday I made a blanket for my sweet little girl.  I am not a great seamstress and I do not follow directions well.  I did however have an end goal in mind.  A lovely ruffle, soft yellow minky on one side and a beautiful floral on the other. I pulled and pinned.  Nipped and tucked.
And then, as I began the long process of sewing it all together...I lost sight of the end result
I forgot how some of the little details would turn out in the larger end project.
I do this often
I may have an end goal in mind, a purpose.Yet, after a lot of pulling and tucking I somehow lose sight of the big picture.  I forget how the small details of daily life will play a huge role in bringing glory and honor to God.
The big picture

Our Almighty Father is creating a wonderful masterpiece.
I am thankful he never loses sight, even in the small details

Broken Bits

A common movie device fast forwards through a timeline of the protagonist's trials, disasters, and failures.  It doesn't slow down until the current moment.  Our hero or heroine has just enough strength left to brew a pot of coffee.  They pour themselves a cup full of the promise of fresh energy and innocent addiction.  They are ready to set aside the past and to take up a new future.
That's me at the moment, though I'll never understand coffee drinking.  Imagine a teacup in my hand as I realize some messes can't be fixed, that all I can do is go on, and that to go on is a victory in itself.  It's my broken parts that are the most compassionate, the most patient and the most kind.  What I really need is more broken bits not less.  That is a hard thing to accept, let alone desire, but here I sit, teacup in hand.

Be Kind to yourself

Be kind to yourself in the Stillness

When the starlight finds your face

Remember the Good in the quiet

And treat yourself with Grace

Would you draw aside your loved ones

Just to tear them down inside?

That voice mocking,

“You’re not good enough!”

Is it also born of Pride?

Since our own Creator loves us

And would fill our hearts with joys,

Be kind to yourself in the Stillness,

As to others in the Noise

Faith like a child

It was a typical day. I was in the kitchen doing the usual "mom" thing when my five year old daughter walked into the room. "Can I have a donut, Mommy?", she asked. My immediate response was a quick "no". I then braced myself for the impending tantrum that I was certain would follow. Instead I heard, "but Jesus likes donuts". Puzzled by her reply, I asked her what she was talking about. She explained, "I like donuts so Jesus in my heart likes donuts too.....and Jesus wants a donut." I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I smiled as I reached for the box of donuts and opened it for her. After all, how could I say "no" to Jesus?

(I just hope that Jesus doesn't like kittens....)

The Refiner's fire

Ever since I was a child, I longed for the day I would become a mother. As I spent many hours babysitting as a teenager, I continued to dream of the day when the baby I held in my arms would be my very own. Certain aspects of motherhood have been everything I hoped they would be. One benefit of motherhood that I did not anticipate was the way it would force me to grow. I began my twenty year career in education as a middle school teacher. Many teachers would rather teach just about any other grade, but I loved teaching middle schoolers. As a teacher, I did not have trouble with staying calm and exhibiting patience toward my students or their parents. Although I have struggled at times with patience regarding waiting for certain things in life to come about, I have considered myself to be a patient person in terms of dealing with other people. Through my interactions with my own children, I have discovered that I definitely have room to grow in being more patient. I am grateful that the Lord is using motherhood as the means of refining my character to become more like His. I love my children dearly, and I want that love to be shown in the patient, calm way I interact with them all throughout each and every day. As it says in I Corinthians 13:4, "Love is patient. Love is kind."

An Unexpected Turn Of Events

Sometimes, what you're looking for comes when you're not looking at all.  Two years ago, the last thing on my mind was looking for a relationship.  After a failed marriage, I was determined that it would be "me and God" unless and until He brought someone to my doorstep.  I was at peace with the concept of spending the rest of my days alone.  Then I went on a cruise with my sister, her husband, their best friend Philip (with whom I was slightly acquainted), and my parents.  Philip had a similar story as far as relationships go, and had come to a similar determination.  Our only thought going into this adventure was that we were looking forward to getting better acquainted...we disembarked from that cruise knowing that we would spend the rest of our days together.

Next Monday, we celebrate our first anniversary.  As we journey together in this marriage, we want our love story to speak to people of the love of Jesus for His Bride.  I have found the one my soul loves... 

The High Bar.

The High Bar has been set.
Straining.
Stretching.
Reaching and jumping.

I miss.

Dejected I hang my head and in that instant, I hear a man behind me clear His throat.  He taps me on the shoulder.

I turn to see Jesus with intertwined fingers outstretched in the "Need a leg up?" position.

I put my foot in nail-scarred hands.  I grab a whip-marked shoulder.  "Are you ready?"  He asks.

I nod like a child.

He launches me into the air with such force I start to fly. The bar was never really there to start. I flail, spin, twist and just when I think I am about to lose it, He is there.

He straightens my legs, positions my head, opens my arms.

We fly together on a trip I never imagined.  Following, learning, hearing and seeing as Jesus teaches me to fly.

There are others around me together on a trip started with a step of faith.

"Where are we going?"

He points up, Up, UP!

Then I hear the Laugh and see the Outstretched arms of Father God Himself.

We are on a journey Home.

Prayer & politics, help

It's easy to dislike politicians on either side. It's more difficult to pray for them. Unfortunately, God commands us to pray for our leaders. So here it is: "God, please don't let them die quick & painlessly, that's all I got God." A little help here, you may have noticed I need help on this subject.
I am real, probably because God knows what I am thinking before I do, thankfully, He loves me anyway. After a little help from God. Kind of like when you get that look, ya know, that look you got from your mom that said, that is wrong & I taught you to be better then that.
Once again, "God, please help our ...(pause)... leaders, finally, make good decisions that benefits the people they are suppose to serve, please put excellent counsel around them, with our nations best interest in mind, may they REMEMBER, that we put them in office, & we can take them OUT!,,, O.K., you did that, because your in control, sorry. May You do with them what You will, I'm tapped out here God." Probably good that You are in charge because it would be more of a mess if I were. Thank you for your mercies for everyone, especially me. One quick note here, please don't let them totally mess up everything our founding fathers fought for, O.K.?, ... & I love our country. Just want us to find our way as a nation, with your guidance & power. I love you, big hug!

anew

Yesterday our yard was void

brown and muddy

dirty and ugly

full of muck, tracked everywhere

This morning a fresh blanket of snow covered it's entirety 

pure, clean, fresh and new

And so our hearts….

brown and muddy, dirty and ugly

full of muck tracking it everywhere

Lord, fall afresh

cover us entirely 

pure, clean, fresh and new

Mercies and joy are new every morning

He Called Me "Mom"

He called me "Mom." 

It startled me.
I am his mom, but I am not.

I didn't carry him in my womb or change his diapers.

I married his dad in time to wash the oily black t-shirts of a sixteen year old.

He called me "Mom." 

By his choice.

Does he think of me as "Mom?"

I think of him as a nice young adult - my husband's son.

But, mine, too?

Right now my four little boys are a lot of work.

Good, squirrley, loud, busy boys.  

Gifts from the Giver of All Good Gifts.

This one - the adult - doesn't seem like such work.

He is fun.  Conversational. Pleasant.  Grown up.

More fun than oil t-shirts.  More mature.

He called me "Mom."

I almost didn't hear him.

I have four other voices calling me "Mom" and he almost didn't register in my attention.

"Mom" feels like work, responsibility.

How can I be a mom to an adult son? 

But maybe "Mom" is an invitation.

An acceptance.

A gift.

Can't say that anymore!

Love

silently screaming
the quaking stillness
marvels at such obtuse anglers.
the teaming see remains unfished.