Not forgotten

My three children all began as embryos in a fertility clinic. My boys were both transferred to my womb five days after fertilization. My daughter was frozen after five days and then transferred three months later. Our third ivf cycle resulted in both a pregnancy and a frozen embryo, which didn't happen in my first two cycles. This meant that our last embryo was frozen for twenty months before it was transferred. During my third child's pregnancy and infancy, I wasn't thinking in terms of this being my last pregnancy or last baby because I knew we had one more embryo. Three of my first four embryo transfers were five day transfers (blastocysts, if you want the technical term), and all three had resulted in a viable pregnancy. My first embryo transfer, which resulted in a very early miscarriage, was a three day embryo transfer. Knowing that our fifth and final transfer would be another blastocyst transfer led me to be rather optimistic that it would result in another viable pregnancy, but that was not what happened. I saw those two beautiful lines on the pregnancy test, but the pregnancy did not last very long. My due date was this week. For the past several months I have often found myself thinking about where I would have been in the pregnancy, if I hadn't lost the baby. If this child had been born, my husband would have loved him or her dearly, but for a variety of reasons, this miscarriage actually brought a sense of relief to him. It has bothered me at times that I seem to be the only one who remembers or feels any grief over the loss of our last baby. I am comforted by the knowledge that my baby is in the presence of Jesus, and some day I will finally be able to hold that little one in my arms.

If I was still able to have one more baby, this miscarriage would be easier to handle. Part of what is making it harder for me is that our trying to conceive journey is ending on a very sad note. In our society there exists the notion that we can exercise birth control, but in reality both unplanned pregnancies and infertility will always exist in this fallen world. God is the author of life. We are not in control. One of my sisters started trying to conceive her first child a few months before I did. Her oldest child is eleven years old (mine is about to turn six), and she's currently pregnant with her seventh child. When I contemplate situations like this, I am choosing to focus on my blessings instead of my losses. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home homeschooling mom. I don't want to steal joy away from these years by focusing on how much I would have loved to have a fourth child. For many years the sight of a pregnant belly brought tears to my eyes. I don't want to go through that again. When I am tempted to feel sad, I am trying to remind myself of my three blessings. I have not forgotten about my babies in Heaven, but I am choosing joy!