"Bad"..... "Remade"

     O.K., if you read the blog entitled "Bad" on Wednesday the 16th, it was unpolished, then switched. There's another blog there now. Please check it out if you haven't. You may be saying, what? Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch! We are eight different women working together through, text and email, with real and very busy lives, so cut us some slack. Things get befuddled. It's life. Here is the blog "Bad" remade.
    Earlier in life, I was a bad girl. The evening that I gave away my virginity, I had to go to church as my dad preached. I honestly thought a bolt of lightening would strike me dead then and there. Yep, typical preachers kid here. I was under daddy's thumb and wanted out. Unfortunately, I was very naive and got married to "my first" at barely 20. Soon after, things changed. No really, he told me "I will end your life"type change. He also cheated on me. That was a gift from God. I left and filed for divorce. That whole time, I was petrified of becoming pregnant.
    Then freedom! No preacher dad or controlling husband. I was really bad then. I became pregnant with my son Luke. It was like God took a board and whacked me in the head with it. I had not yet grown up and knew the best thing for my son Luke was to give him up for adoption. Later I calmed down and married my husband Paul. Soon after, doctors told me I would probably never have children. It saddened me a bit, but it was also a relief. I conditioned my mind to not want children, in order to be able to give my son away. Also, I figured this was God's judgement for my previous sins.
    Paul prayed for a baby and Sarah was born. Later, we briefly tried to have another child but none were conceived on my schedule, so I said forget it. Then Sarah's neurological problems became evident. I was afraid if I became pregnant, she would cause irreparable harm to the baby or I. Once again, any time I thought I was pregnant, I freaked out and mentally throw a fit on God. I'd be seriously ticked off for days/weeks till my monthly flow came. Then, I would repent, realize God was in charge and be glad He loved me, even when I was bad.
     At 36, my Christian ladies counselor friend, told me, "if you are so bothered by having another child, then talk to God and do something about it". I did. I heard God say in a saddened voice, "if you don't want more children, have surgery and I will pay for it". I did, and I never received a bill from the doctor.
    My world wasn't the picture perfect Christian life. I didn't long to have a child. I was freaked out by the possibility of getting pregnant most of my adult life, for one reason or another. So my views on children are a bit jaded. Thankfully, even though I was bad earlier in life. God is in the process of making me into His likeness and image. So, I'm bad, remade and it's way cool.