Ssh!

Speak to me in the Stillness

For the world has worn me thin

Tell me I am not hopeless

Forgive me for all my sin

All around me is Clamoring

The Angry Urgent presses Close

Until I find it hard to Breathe

Just when I need it most

Let me rest in Your Beauty

Surround me with Your Love

Whisper “It will be alright!”

Turn my eyes Above

Renew my ragged spirit

Take me, for a moment, Away

Refresh my mind, and Strengthen my joy

That I may Serve You for One More Day

In Gladness

3 Rules learned from the Big Box Club Store.

     Shopping in the big box club store in summer with children is an adventure. The odd lighting, oddly quiet and then blaring music, the pushy sample grandmas, and the lack of selection all line up to make everyone off sorts. This last time it started at the door. As I corralled the kids around our cart du jour, I saw that several people walked in with a dour expression and moving very quickly. Consequentially, none of them had to stop, dig out their cards, and show them. I'm not rude and with a three year old in tow, I'm not moving quickly. I got the cart, maneuvered my kids around a cart in a way they won't fight with each other, walked toward the store, and smiled at the clerk at the door. She made me stop, get my card out of my purse, and show it.

*************really****************

    I showed it, because that is officially the rules, but I could not help but be annoyed. If that truly is the rule, then follow it with every customer even if they look upset and in a hurry. Otherwise you are just annoying an already annoyed and harried subset of people: slow moving moms.

     This made me stop short and filled my mind the rest of the trip. I wasn't annoyed by having to show my card, I was annoyed because people who had been rude didn't have to because they were rude. There was so much there I could not wait to sit down and tell you all about it.

1. There is never any reason to be rude to little old lady door greeters at Big Box Club Store. Truly. I need to give them a break and let them do their job. Yes, you saved one minute by not having to take out your wallet, but you became less of a person in the process.

2. When in a place to do a job, I need to consistently apply what I know to be true. Inconsistency breeds frustration in my family. In my life as a SAHM, there are rules and schedules of the day that really frustrate my children much less if they are consistently applied. For example, every Wednesday needs to be a clean up day every single week if I expect them to participate happily, I need to clean my bedroom working hard beside them as they clean theirs. If I skip Wednesdays, I know that next week I'll hear, "Do we have to Mom??????  We didn't last week!"

3. I need to stop punishing people for slowing down and being polite. Especially my children. When they want to help but have no skill set to do so and would make my job that much harder, I need to acknowledge that they WANT to help. Somehow I need to include them and make them a part of what I am doing so that they will always want to help in the future. They will be given many reasons to stop being helpful and polite in the future I must not be one of them.

    

Don't let me be reckless

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless....
When I think of reckless things, I think of out of control, chaos.
Rocks being hurled down a dusty dirt covered hill.
Nerf bullets flying through the kitchen while china is being laid out.
A hondred students throwing paint on their faces and using their bodies as sheilds to defend a flag accross the feild.
Reckless?
No
Chaos?
Controlled chaos at it's finest.
But, what about our words? Are we hurling unintentional words out for whoever will listen?  Are we pushing our agendas with our opinions that fly accross the room and peirce another's heart?
Are we quick to speak, and slow to listen....if we even bother to listen?
Lord, help my words be selected by you.  Intentionally. Words that give life. Words that bring healing.
It is ok to stop talking, if we run out of life-giving words to say.

Not forgotten

My three children all began as embryos in a fertility clinic. My boys were both transferred to my womb five days after fertilization. My daughter was frozen after five days and then transferred three months later. Our third ivf cycle resulted in both a pregnancy and a frozen embryo, which didn't happen in my first two cycles. This meant that our last embryo was frozen for twenty months before it was transferred. During my third child's pregnancy and infancy, I wasn't thinking in terms of this being my last pregnancy or last baby because I knew we had one more embryo. Three of my first four embryo transfers were five day transfers (blastocysts, if you want the technical term), and all three had resulted in a viable pregnancy. My first embryo transfer, which resulted in a very early miscarriage, was a three day embryo transfer. Knowing that our fifth and final transfer would be another blastocyst transfer led me to be rather optimistic that it would result in another viable pregnancy, but that was not what happened. I saw those two beautiful lines on the pregnancy test, but the pregnancy did not last very long. My due date was this week. For the past several months I have often found myself thinking about where I would have been in the pregnancy, if I hadn't lost the baby. If this child had been born, my husband would have loved him or her dearly, but for a variety of reasons, this miscarriage actually brought a sense of relief to him. It has bothered me at times that I seem to be the only one who remembers or feels any grief over the loss of our last baby. I am comforted by the knowledge that my baby is in the presence of Jesus, and some day I will finally be able to hold that little one in my arms.

If I was still able to have one more baby, this miscarriage would be easier to handle. Part of what is making it harder for me is that our trying to conceive journey is ending on a very sad note. In our society there exists the notion that we can exercise birth control, but in reality both unplanned pregnancies and infertility will always exist in this fallen world. God is the author of life. We are not in control. One of my sisters started trying to conceive her first child a few months before I did. Her oldest child is eleven years old (mine is about to turn six), and she's currently pregnant with her seventh child. When I contemplate situations like this, I am choosing to focus on my blessings instead of my losses. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home homeschooling mom. I don't want to steal joy away from these years by focusing on how much I would have loved to have a fourth child. For many years the sight of a pregnant belly brought tears to my eyes. I don't want to go through that again. When I am tempted to feel sad, I am trying to remind myself of my three blessings. I have not forgotten about my babies in Heaven, but I am choosing joy!

The Pursuit of Happiness

"We tend to look to others to make us happy. The moment our happiness is dependent on someone else we have made them our source. Which means our happiness vacillates with their behavior. We are now feeling lack, which gives birth to codependency. The ultimate codependency is when we look outside of ourselves to meet a need that only God can meet in our heart! Blinded by need, we make needy decisions which actually destroy any hope of true happiness. Others can contribute to our happiness, but they can never be the source. The only people who are truly happy are the ones that are happy regardless of others. Only when we can be happy without others are we able to actually make the necessary decisions that lead to a life of happiness. When we are happy independent of the actions of others we can walk in God’s love and open the door of endless possibilities for happiness!"

~Dr Jim Richards

While skimming through my Facebook posts the other day, this quote from Dr. Jim Richards caught my attention, and it made me recall a period of time in my life where my circumstances were less than ideal, and I had to choose daily (sometimes moment by moment) to not base my sense of "happiness" on my current circumstance.  I was going through a divorce, mourning the death of something that I had believed would last.  I was told by well-meaning friends that I "deserved to be happy."  I had to take a good hard look at what that meant, and I made a decision that whatever happened, I was not going to look to another person to "fulfill me" or to make me happy.  I determined within myself that I was going to allow the Lord to fill that need for happiness as I walked with Him.  Philip told me when we were courting that one of the things that had attracted him to me was the genuine joy and peace that I exuded despite the painful things that had occurred in my life.  Now that doesn't mean that my life lacks drama and times where I don't feel happy, however, I can still go through life with a sense of peace despite the things going on around me.

I have observed so many dear friends and acquaintances who have been searching for happiness and are convinced that they can only find that in another person, and I have seen the drama and heartache that they have found instead.  It breaks my heart for them, and whenever I have opportunity, I share with them what I have learned.  I pray that they will also learn to find their worth and their happiness in God as they allow Him to heal their wounds and love on them.

Touchy Subject- Adoption - Revised

   If you read my blog last week between 6-8 a.m., this is essentially the same blog. However, I put a different one at 9 a.m. if you would like to read it. I meant to reschedule this before it went up.    
    I myself had an untimely pregnancy. I chose to give my son to a couple to adopt. I was not ready to be a parent in any way. The benefits are; the mom chooses if she wants to remain in contact with the family and child or not, whom the parents will be. Everything is in her control until the day she gives the child over to their new parents. At that point, all control is relinquished. The biological parents may choose weather or not to see their child again with a closed or open adoption. I chose to have open contact when desired for either party. It was awkward for the first few years. However after 17 years, our families get along well and things are no longer awkward. I speak to my son on the phone, have attended birthday parties, a track meet, their church, stayed in their home and they ours.
    There were adversities also. My boss almost fired me, because he was against my choice. Then the company was taken over by another, and he was fired instead. The biological father said he would only give me money for an abortion at first. Later he was a bit more helpful.
    What are the side effects of this decision? Usually, around my son Luke's birthday, I am agitated and overreact. Sometimes I have a melt down and cry till I can't cry any longer. I use to drink myself into oblivion until Luke's birthday and mothers day, which are close together or the same day, had passed. Thankfully, God has healed me and given me a new perspective on alcohol. The emotional toll is difficult, but I have a peace too. Luke has been well cared for. We have a relationship. Best of all, I had the opportunity to give a precious gift to a couple longing for a child.
    The side effects on the children may be that they feel abandoned, have spiritual issues often, and may act out to get attention. Often they don't feel like they belong, especially if a natural born child is in the home. They usually are very loved and well cared for. They are thought of as a precious gift and the adoptive parents are usually financially sound because it is very expensive to adopt. Most of the time the parents are a little older too. So they bring more wisdom to the child's life. Adoption is difficult but it is a wonderful path that I recommend to some. Not all are meant to take that path.
    To those that did not have to make a similar choice, I ask; Please give compassion and understanding for what ever choice others make. One does not know what they would do fully, unless they themselves are in that situation. This may be a touchy subject but untimely pregnancies, that end in adoption can be a blessing to all involved.
    God works all things together for good, to them who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

One Man's Trash......

  My house was a disaster like every other day. Trying to keep up with a job, a husband, 5 kids, and 3 dogs can be exhausting, so the house is often in disarray.  From the first step into the front hallway, through the dining room, kitchen, and all the way to the living room there was stuff. Little stuff. Big stuff. Kid stuff. Toys. Clothes. Dirt. Backpacks. Books. Shoes.
  A knock at the door produced 2 kids (brother and sister) from up the street wanting to come in. I immediately said "No". I didn't want anyone seeing what a mess my house was. It was trashed. I had nothing to offer these kids and was annoyed that they had just shown up on my doorstep.
  My 8 year old knew them from school and helped them explain to me that they were supposed to ride a different bus to their grandma's house, but the school sent them home on their normal bus. There was nobody home. Their mom was at the Emergency Room with their baby brother. They were 8 and 9 years old..
   It was really cold outside, and I couldn't stand the thought of them being stuck out in the cold for however long it took for their mom to return. So I stepped back and let them in. As they entered my house, I caught my breath at the smell coming from them. We called their mom to assure her that they were safe and that they could hang out until she could get them. I fed them some stale chips...the only snack food that we had in the house. I gave them some fruit punch. They sat in the living room and watched cartoons until an older sibling stopped by to get them.
   The next day my daughter caught me off guard by blurting out that those kids kept telling her how nice our house is. I was a little bewildered. After all, my opinion of my house was that it was a hot mess and an embarrassment. My daughter went on to say that they told her that they liked the chips and drinks I gave them. You see, they didn't have running water in their house, so they couldn't make fruit punch. They didn't have snacks at their house, and they didn't get to watch cartoons there either. The little girl had admitted to my daughter that she didn't like wearing mismatched clothes, but she had to wear whatever she could find that was clean. She also wished she could take a shower sometimes.
   I felt humbled and convicted. I hadn't wanted to let them in because I was afraid that what I had to offer wasn't good enough, but what I had viewed as "trashed".....they dream of having.

The Way Things Should Be

Ever have the feeling that things just aren’t as they should be?  There are times when you feel like your family is completely under attack, even from some you consider friends.  Things break, people or animals die, sickness makes everything undoable , hopes are dashed, relationships fall apart, dreams shatter, bills threaten, confidences are betrayed---and usually, a lot of this happens at the same time.  The fight to do Right seems futile, and sometimes I get weary of trying.  I give the hurt, the hopelessness, to God, and then I have to do it again, and again.  It comes back like waves upon the shore, and I feel eroded.  Still, I will.  When I think about it, maybe I haven’t done absolutely Everything wrong and therefore am suffering the wrath of God for being completely Wrong in all things.  I have been redeemed and forgiven, and He loves me as His own.  Maybe things really aren’t as they should be, maybe people aren’t as they should be, and maybe I myself am not as I should be—but God is Always as He should Be.  Maybe my erosion isn’t going to eat away at me until I am destroyed, but will change me for good.  As long as my life is in God’s hands, my heart belonging to Him, my future trusted to His care--as many times as it takes—I know that He is drawing me closer to Himself.  I can trust the One Who loves me the most, and, no matter how high the waves get or how much ground is lost, I really am Secure.

 Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."