Awake.

     I have made a habit of listening to Christian radio in my home. It feels like opening a window and letting light in. The songs all speak of Jesus and struggles common to believers. While melodically, it is not my usual style, I cannot argue with the truth of the words. God loves me. I am wanted. I can be an overcomer. The encouragement is profound.

     The station I listen to also has one minute long devotional thoughts from respected teachers. During this time of struggle and insomnia, my ears perked up when I heard the author they got for that time slot say, "Maybe you are tired and run down from a busy schedule or lack of sleep. We need to remember that God has for us His unlimited strength. We can fail trying to lean on our sleepy weakness or soar resting on His wide awake strength."

     I knew what I needed. I bowed my head and prayed. I'm still not sleeping that well, but God is lifting me in His arms and giving me peace. I am meeting the needs of my children.

    Life is no where near perfect and mistakes are still being made. But as I learn more to rely on Him, He forgives, gives strength, and heals the damage. Damage done by not resting in Him.

   Let us all today remember to ask Him to set our feet on higher ground.

Diffuse

We recently started diffusing essential oils.  If you are not sure what that process looks like, let me explain.  You fill a small reservoir with some water and add a few drops of this oil and turn it in.  It acts basically like a humidifier and it emits the oil into the air.  This oil is very pure, concentrated and benificial.  We use it specifically for some allergies we are experiencing in our home. This process has amazed me.  Such a small amount of this oil does so much for our family.  My daughter's eyes were usually puffy, red and itchy but after only a few hours of using the oils she was clear.  She is just one example. 

Such a small amount, such a huge benefit. 

Every time I fill that reservoir I am reminded of the world around me.  A world that needs some diffusing.  A community in need of love, the love of Christ our savior.  I want to emit that love, truth and hope to those I come in contact with.  

Sometimes it feels like my small amout of time, talents, and gifts is not enough to make a difference.

But with God working in me, through me..

Such a small amount, such a huge benefit.

Imperfect parents

From the time I was twelve years old I spent a lot of time caring for children, as a babysitter, teacher, and principal. At the age of thirty-six I became a mother, and I quickly learned that parenthood exposes weaknesses in my character that didn't show up when teaching or babysitting. I am currently reading Sacred Parenting: How raising children shapes our souls by Gary Thomas. His premise is that the "process of parenting is one of the most spiritually formative journeys a man and a woman can ever undertake." This certainly rings true for me! Having children isn't about me but about bringing glory to God. In chapter three he says, "weakness on our part can actually become a strength when we use it to transfer our kids' allegiance from us to God." We love our children, but God alone loves with a perfect love. The guilt we feel at times can enable us to model our need for God to our kids. Micah 6:8 instructs us to "love mercy." The word used for "love" means "to feel enthralled by" mercy. I need to not only be thankful for the mercy I have received but also be eager to show mercy to others. Without sensing my own guilt, I would never sense the need for this glorious gift of God - mercy. The author contends that "using guilt as a call to adoration can turn parental guilt into a pathway toward intimacy with God." God cares just as much about my spiritual growth as He does about my children's spiritual growth. My kids can be valuable teachers to that end.

Hope

There has been a stirring in my spirit lately regarding authenticity, removing masks, encouraging others to do the same, and providing a safe environment for them to do so.  This is also part of the heart of my husband's band, Longing For Eden.  The songs that the band members have written tell their stories of abuse, addictions, loss and brokenness, but more importantly, of the hope that they found when they encountered the living God and His abounding grace.  These stories have not been easy to tell, and some stories yet to come are taking a lot of courage to be able to share, but we are all discovering how much our stories are speaking to people.  Last night at the end of a concert, one of the band members told me that he was approached by a man who opened up and shared that he had struggled with an addiction to pornography, and how one of the songs spoke to him about the impact that his struggle had on his wife, and that the song had also touched her deeply.  Another person that we are acquainted with approached my husband and said, "All I knew was that you were a pastor.  I thought you had it all together.  I had no idea..."  He was stunned to hear my husband's story of struggling to believe that God really loved him, and the message of grace that settled the issue for him.  I really believe that as we open up and share our stories, that life and hope will be imparted and those who hear them in turn will be able to share that hope with others as their lives are changed.

Divine Protection

    I live in a neighborhood where most of the gentlemen are retired and active. Everyone keeps their lawn looking like a golf course. My husband has had multiple injuries. Therefore he is not physically capable of mowing the lawn, with our difficult to use, over twenty year old tractor. I mow the lawn, but I also work, unlike my neighbors. I don't want our lawn to be out of place, and I love looking out over our neighborhood to see how well manicured it is by all.
    I was unable to mow this last proper time, because it rained and stormed for two days. Finally on my day off it only lightly rained, so I waited several hours, then mowed the lawn. We have a part of the lawn that is precarious to get to. I have to straddle the seat and lean to one side so as to not go into a stream about 5 or less feet below the drop off, in order to get to the flat part toward the bottom.
    Since things were not as dry as I had thought, on my fourth trip down I had problems. I had put the tractor into the lowest gear but the wheels seemed to go very fast. I tried to slow it down by going up the embankment slightly. I went way up the embankment instead. The tractor was going too fast and flipped over throwing me off and landed on top of my tail bone. There I was under the tractor with legs hanging over the edge and the tractor on top of me. Both about to drop down about 5 feet. I yelled but no one heard. I was able to move the tractor over so neither would go over the edge and proceeded to try to pull the tractor back, while in great pain. Paul came out, saw what was going on and asked, "Are you hurt"? Then he looked at me as said "Oh my goodness honey"! Together we got the tractor up right and to the bottom flat part. However, I had flip flops on, and during the process I ripped off the top layer and all the polish from two of my toenails and banged my knee up because it was so slick. I was bruised and in pain but able to move.  
    As I cleaned up, I thought of all of the possible horrible things that could have happened. I could have been sliced but the blades automatically shut off when I left the seat. I could have fallen five feet and the tractor on top of me, on and on I went. Thankfully, none of that happened. I was in one piece and so was the tractor. Both a bit banged up but I will heal and it was fixable. God gave me divine protection through it all and is healing me now. I am so very grateful that my Father loves me and always hears me when I call. He always gives His angels charge over me and keeps me safe. Bless His name!

Proceed with Caution

   We left our church almost a year ago. It was not my choice. In fact, it was an arguing point between me and my husband for months. I tried every persuasive avenue to convince him to change his mind. When that didn't work I unleashed my pent up frustrations and just flat out told him that he was wrong! I honored his decision with my actions, but my mind was not in agreement, and my heart was hopeful that this would all pass and life would get back to normal.
   I strongly dislike change. I much prefer predictability, and my world felt threatened. As we started visiting other churches, we each had different expectations in mind. He was searching for the place where our family could all be involved and grow together. I was pretty sure that what we would find would simply confirm my belief that we should have never moved on in the first place.
   The first Sunday we attended one particular church, we sat in the back. Waaayyy back! I was hoping nobody would talk to us and we could just check that one off of the list. We left as soon as the service ended, and I thought it was over. Then the pastor started calling and talking to us. I blurted out everything that I thought would deter him from connecting with us. I wanted to make sure he knew what a mess we are and that he certainly didn't want us to be a part of his church. He still called. He showed up when we were filming video footage for our band and hung out with us a while. I greeted him with a smile, but wondered why he had come to support us when he barely knows us.
   He called me one day and after a 20 minute conversation about wiener dogs, I texted my brother in law and said "Why does he have to be so nice? I am trying really hard not to like him". Then I met his wife and was immediately sucked into the vortex of genuine love and kindness that oozes from her. The night of our CD release party, they slipped into the back room where we were gathered with band members and joined in as we prayed. It moved me beyond words. Despite every horror story we have told them, every struggle that we have been brutally honest about, every doubt spoken about our ability to do what we feel God has called us to....they still make the effort to connect with us. The more I am around them, the more I like them. The more I like them, the more I want to be around them. Hmmmm..... Maybe my hubby was right all along. Just don't tell him I said that.  Shhhhhhhh!

Our Hotel

This is my favorite house. I love everything except that the powder room is combined with the laundry, yuck. We need to do some renovations, but it's been nice enough that we'd put them off until the kids were older. We won't need to worry about them at all soon because we are moving. Leaving friends behind has a way of sucking me into depression, so I'm trying to be proactive about finding the good things abut moving. Sorting through cute homes, learning about the great amenities in the Ann Arbor area, enjoying a romantic weekend exploring with my hubby, they all help ease the stress, but they don't eliminate it.

Each step forward dries up the support system I've worked so hard to create. Even my beautiful home is beginning to feel like a hotel. The happy dimples in my schedule on those days I was planning to spend time with my friends are now relegated to Herculean efforts. We'll need new doctors, schools, homeschool group, favorite Mexican joint, church--everything. 

I think when things begin blooming in Ann Arbor it will all get better, but I won't know until it does. I have to step out on faith that there will be a nice house, new friends, new cultural infrastructure. I keep hearing an old hymn "This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through. If heaven's not my home, O Lord what will I do. The angels beckon me through heaven's open door, and I can't feel at home in this world anymore." It seems that moving is just a warm up for the greatest transition of life. I can't be certain of heaven's embrace with any other certainty than the gift of faith. This life in total is a hotel, a temporary residence.

The Right Stuff

I am learning more and more in my life that, given the choice between being Right and being Kind, choosing to be kind is truly the right choice.  I recently found that once I chose to be kind in a certain situation rather than riding on my little high horse, I hadn’t been so right about the whole thing after all! Besides, it's awfully hard to serve anyone or even hug them while sitting on one. Get down and do some real good. We can be blinded by our own perspective!  It is God’s job to judge, and ours to show what His unconditional love has done for us.  He did not command us to be Right all the time:  He commanded us to Love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, and our neighbors as ourselves.  I can give the control over to Him, and know that He is always right.  It will amaze you what miracles God works in your life and relationships when you don’t always have to be right! He loves us AS IS.  Just as we are, when we show that kind of love to others, we are changed—for the better!