Young children usually seem to think that adults know everything. At the shopping mall or the playground, my children often point to a child I've never seen before, and ask me what his or her name is. I, of course, have no earthly idea. At other times, preschoolers think they know more than their parents, which is as comical as the assumption that we know the name of every person on the planet. If I am honest, I have done the same with my Heavenly Father. In my head, I know that He is omniscient (all knowing), and yet at times I seem to think I have a better plan for my life than He does. When I was twenty-three years old and had yet to be asked out on a date, it was hard to trust that His plan was best because my heart's desire was to be married. When I was thirty-five years old and my arms were still empty after six years of marriage, it was very hard to believe that He knew best while every fiber of my being longed for the day I would become a mother. The truth of the matter is that my Father knows the name of every single person and how many hairs are on each precious head. The next time I am tempted to think my plan is better than His (like right now when my husband is struggling to find a job), I am going to remember how silly it seems when a toddler or preschooler thinks he knows more than me. My job isn't to understand why things happen but just to trust that my Father knows best (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Get Real! The Authentic Christian (Music - Mandisa; The Truth About Me)
Over the last several years, my husband's band, Longing For Eden, has been on a life journey. They approached the man who is now the producer of their first and soon to be released CD, and asked him to provide spiritual oversight for the band. (He has also become a spiritual father to my husband and me since then.) They gave him songs that they had written, and he handed them back, stating that they were "nice" songs, and if they just wanted to write nice Christian platitudes, that he wasn't interested, but if they were willing to write songs that were "real", then he would consider working with them. He saw the potential that was within the band to truly make an impact on people's lives, however, without the willingness to become vulnerable and to put their own struggles and triumphs into musical form, he felt that they would just be another "nice" Christian band in the crowd. That conversation began the journey where "Out of the Ashes" was transformed into "Longing For Eden". I have been privileged to watch the growing pains and the victories as they have been stretched far out of their comfort zones, both as individuals and as a band, and I am so excited to see the fruit of the journey so far, and anticipating the fruit to come.
This journey of authenticity has also become my own. I spent far too many years of my Christian walk wearing masks and trying desperately to measure up to what I thought a "good Christian" should be like. I was terrified that if people truly knew the real me with my real struggles, that they would want nothing to do with me. (This is coming from someone who was raised in the church!) My husband and I watched the above video last night and I told him that I sometimes feel that I have more of a struggle with being totally honest with myself, because if and when I do confront my own weaknesses, I must change. If not, I will live out the definition of insanity, which is continually doing the same thing in the same way and expecting different results. This is not a comfortable journey, and stretches me out of my own comfort zones, but I am learning to rest in it and to take it one day at a time. I know that God loves me, and that his grace is there for me constantly, and I am more deeply aware of it every day. He brings people into my life who have been burnt badly by well-meaning Christians, and they are looking for something authentic, and someone who will be real with them. I am learning as I go. I have to remind myself that this is a journey, and that I will be traveling as long as I live.
Oh, my favorite day is tomorrow. I am so excited! I'll be waring green from my head, to my toenails with green shamrocks on them. Oh yeah! I was recently asked. "Do you like St. Patty's Day because of the green beer?" I said, "I love this holiday because a whole nation was told of the gospel of Christ, that had not previously known. Without St. Patrick, my ancestors may not know about the one true God, and that Jesus died a horrible death to save them from their many sins."
You may remember from last years blog, that St. Patrick was not born in Ireland. He was stolen from his parents estate in England and enslaved by Norsemen taking him to Ireland. Later escaping, he went back to England, where he entered a Catholic Monastery. Afterwards, God told him to go back to Ireland to share the Gospel with the people who had previously enslaved him. That's a pretty tough demand from God. How many of us would do that?
So for me, this is a less stressful holiday that embodies an awesome gift from God, through St. Patrick. A gift given to the people of my ancestral heritage, who were previously unaware of God's love. Yes, it's a brutal heritage. All one needs to do, is watch the history channel or the movies made about Norsemen who went Viking to understand this. That only makes this story more amazing. A Holy God had compassion on the barbarians of Ireland. Oh, a very proud Irish lass I be.
I enjoy the festivities of the day. The music, parades, beverages, food, river dancing and the waring of the green. However, if the focus is the festivities alone, then the whole point of the day is lost. So, here's to a loving God, that sent Saint Patrick back to a barbarian nation to share the gospel of Christ to a Godless nation. My Irish eyes be smilin.
There is nothing going on inside you.
You are closed off.
You show up with an attitude.
You don't encourage people.
You need to speak up.
You don't have anything to say.
What you really mean is.....
You carry an oppression with you.
You need to be yourself.
If you keep those walls up..... people will stop trying with you.
We have to walk on eggshells with you
You really need to let God heal you.
You just need to let us love you.
These are the statements that replayed in my head for days on end. Spoken by folks who I admired, respected, and had confided in. Everything I had intended to convey came across just the opposite. Surely they knew what they were talking about.
My interpretation of these statements was that there was something grossly wrong with me. I was a mess. A disappointment. A failure. A disruption. A broken nothing that was wasting space....and breath. It was my fault that I was stuck, and as long as I remained stuck...I was useless.
The truth was....there was so much going on inside of me that I didn't know how to process it all. I had been through unimaginable crisis in a short amount of time. I felt confused...frustrated...overwhelmed. In the midst of it all I had been hurting...writing...exposing my soul...talking...blogging...bearing my heart...healing....so how was I coming across as empty? Closed off?? The more I tried to explain, the worse it became. So I gave up. Exhausted. Devastated.
I remember the moment... I was sitting in the driver's seat waiting to pull out. I saw the semi-truck coming. The thought to just pull out anyway...It would be so easy. Life insurance would pay if it was an "accident". Life would be better without me around to mess it up. The hitch?? My daughter was sitting in the back seat.
I know it sounds crazy, but these were real thoughts bombarding my overstimulated brain in the midst of an extremely stressful time. I would concentrate. Trying to force myself to focus on what God has to say about me. Trying to drown out the voices that were constantly reminding me of everything that I thought was wrong with me.
Relief came from an unlikely place. A high school classmate had posted a link on her Facebook page to a website that was all about introverts and what makes them tick. After a short quiz, I tested positive. I am positively an introvert! As I read about all of my quirks, I felt like a load was lifted off of my chest. I suddenly made sense to me, and for the first time in a long time...I could breathe.
As I have been coming to terms with my God given personality, I now realize that there isn't anything wrong with me. I have been able to begin forgiving myself for not measuring up to people's expectations of me and focusing more on what God desires for me....which frees me....to be........me.
So. We all hate this winter. A few weeks ago I posted about how the snow and the cold were the perfect ending to the last of Christmas break. It really extended the time and united our family. It was nice when the flukey cold and snow abated and we returned to our normal routine. For like a minute.
This winter has not once abated and this morning greeted us with icy roads, single digit degrees, and yet another closing. We've had it so easy in the past winters that we just forgot how to handle this mess. Snow storms of last year brought four inches and melted in a week. Not the case with this winter. Snow from this January is still lingering in the shady spots and is now joined in a fresh covering. My whininess ensued.
I HAAAAAATE this! Constant postings of real air temperatures resting at -16 degrees F. The layering of gloves, scarves, hats and mittens. Like Randy's mom from the Christmas Story, I hear myself say, "You can put your arms down when you get to school." My Ellanor started refusing to wear her coat. "I can't bear to put it on again mommy. I hate it." Sarah started a full on campaign to make it "OK" to wear sandles in double digits. Joey just put his hood down to keep the wind out.
For the past two days we've had temperatures in the 60's and a life of comfort. My neighbor even cracked a window or two in her house. Could this nightmare finally be over? Nope 1/2 inch of ice and 2 inches of snow slick enough to close school. sigh. My heart grew faint.
Then I just snapped out of it. Really like 15 minutes ago. I have my kids to myself all day, in my warm double insulated home, filled with fun diversions and games, and a happy attitude. My life is good and, really this is the last snow day of the season.
God is just like that. He gives us more of the same uncomfortable life lessons until we get it. He brings it back up until we see that we have GOT to learn this lesson. My lesson was one of gratitude for the weather we have not spoiling it for wanting the weather we do not have. My lesson was also one of reaching out and sharing. Making sure that others were warm was high on my priority list. Last winter I didn't think much about them at all. As in all things, God grew me up. God made me see a better way.
So thankful that God does not give up
Teachers and parents usually do not want to hear a child say "I can't do it." These words are often spoken before a child has even made an attempt, and many times the child later discovers that he or she actually can do it. It can be helpful to know your strengths, weaknesses, talents, and limitations. As adults we might not verbally say "I can't do it," but I think that many times we box ourselves in more than we should. It's so easy to narrowly define what we are capable of doing. For example, I have for many years baked things like cookies and brownies, but I hadn't made a homemade pie since I was a teenager. Although I actually prefer eating a slice of pie over a piece of cake, I found myself assuming I couldn't make pies. When I set my goals for this year, one of them was to try making a few pies. In February I made my first attempt, and my lemon meringue pie turned out quite nicely! In the grand scheme of life it is really unimportant whether I make homemade pies or not, but I think this happens in more important areas of our lives. We feel the Holy Spirit prompting us to some action, and we find ourselves saying "not me" because we don't think we have what it takes to accomplish that particular task. If I don't like to hear my children say "I can't do it," I am sure my Heavenly Father feels the same way when He knows He has given me all that I need for the task.
