Your will be done

Christians often pray for the Lord's will to be done. Many times when I am praying for the Lord's will, I have a strong opinion as to how I am hoping He will answer the request. For several years I prayed fervently for the Lord to give us a child. For the first few years I was praying that the Lord would work through the fertility treatments and enable us to conceive. As we pursued first domestic and then international adoption, I was praying that the Lord would bring children into our family through adoption. My husband had wanted us to pursue in-vitro fertilization (IVF) instead of adoption, but I viewed IVF as a big financial gamble and thought pursuing adoption wasn't a financially risky endeavor. In actuality we lost thousands of dollars through our pursuit of adoption. After hitting many roadblocks with adoption, I finally agreed to try IVF. The first transfer of three embryos did not result in a pregnancy. It was very, very hard to accept the Lord's answer to those prayers. A few months later we transferred the one remaining embryo that had been frozen. This time the Lord's will was to give me my heart's desire - a precious baby girl. The next year we did IVF again, and the Lord graciously gave us an energetic baby boy. We did not have any embryos to freeze that time. Last year we pursued IVF for the third time. We thought if it did not work we would accept that our family was complete with two children, and if it did result in another baby, then our family would be complete with three children. Ironically, our third round of IVF resulted in our second baby boy as well as a frozen embryo.

For decades I had dreamt of having three or four children, so one would assume I'd be thrilled to know I might be having a fourth child at the age of 42. As much as I would love to have another baby, I am petrified at the thought of being pregnant again. My first two pregnancies went rather smoothly, but my third pregnancy was an extremely difficult and at times life threatening experience. As we are drawing closer to the time when we will begin the process to transfer our frozen embryo, I find myself constantly flipping back and forth as far as my opinion on how I hope it will turn out. I do not need to have a strong opinion. It's completely in God's hands. This is one of the few times I can sincerely pray "Thy will be done" because I am not sure how to pray. I know He cares about that precious frozen embryo, and He also cares about my life. The best case scenario in my mind is that this transfer would result in an uneventful pregnancy, but His will might not involve another pregnancy or (shudder) it might involve another very difficult pregnancy. I need to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

First Love

Having been practically born and raised in church, it is sometimes too easy to take for granted my relationship with the Lord.  This week, a friend of my husband contacted him for a lunch meeting because he had had an encounter with God.  This young man had been open to spiritual things, but his philosophy ran more along the lines of New Age thinking. My husband had been taking music lessons from him, and shared a little about his faith with him from time to time when the opportunity arose.  At lunch he told Philip excitedly about how he had encountered the Living God in a "physical, full-body (put me on the ground at the...park) kind of way."  Before, he had just listened politely and commented here and there, but the passion with which he shared his story just made us both smile and remember the initial excitement that we had when we first came face to face with the Creator of the Universe.  We are looking forward to spending time encouraging and supporting this young man as he begins his journey!  I love how his passion helps ours to burn brighter as well.  It's contagious!

I Had a Hmm, Moment.

In my more recent years, God has shown me that the meek will inherit the earth. Meek means, the bit in the mouth of a wild untamed Stallion. I have passions He put within me for many reasons, they are necessary to fulfill my purpose on this earth. However, He has shown me that passions can be misdirected. That it is necessary to allow His bit, to control my mouth.

In the past, I and my daughter were harmed, by things from the pharmaceutical world. This cultivated anger, bitterness and resentment toward the entire world of medicine. My view was horribly distorted and shamefully clouded. My passion was turned toward the natural world.

Then God took me by the hand, and slowly showed me things about the medical world that were good, necessary and helpful to others. He showed me that His own children have been placed within that entity for a purpose. They too were wired, by Him, to do His work to help others. They simply had a different bag of tools, as it were.

I was bewildered. How could a system that has tools that may harm people, also help people, and how could God have His own kids in it? He further showed me. There are substances that do different things in different people. Each person has a different physical, spiritual and mental being, He himself put within each person. He also showed me that the natural worlds choice of tools affect different people differently also. Example: after talking to a herbalist friend, I discovered I needed magnesium to fix my wrestles legs syndrome and heart palpitations. However, I took way too much for my body, and ended up with diarrhea & digestive problems. To fix this, I took mint and backed off my supplementation of magnesium, while adding calcium also. When taking magnesium along with calcium properly, I no longer had heart problems or wrestles legs syndrome. I simply lacked wisdom of how best to use these substances on my own body. But another person, who has little knowledge of the natural world and a bias against it, could have said; "the entire natural world is bad and harmful, it messed you up".

God showed me in His word. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives liberally and without restraint. I had a, Hmm moment. God is The Great Physician, He is not practicing, He knows. He knows every hair on our heads and all the substances He has made, both natural and medical, Hello Sonya! I felt ashamed. Ashamed, that I thought knowledge of natural things could fix anything. Therefore I didn't need God's help, I simply needed full knowledge of what He had made and to use it properly. There I said it. The shameful truth, of what I had allowed anger bitterness and resentment to do to me, my relationship with God and His other children in the medical world. Oh, my Father God, please forgive my arrogance, my sheer stupidity. Please take what I am, and fix me from within to reflect You and the truth of all that You have made.

Looking For A Hero

   A few days ago my husband and I took our kids up to Latrobe, PA where the Pittsburgh Steelers are having their annual training camp. It was pretty exciting to see this well known team running drills and practicing for the upcoming NFL season. As I sat on the sideline watching everything unfold, I couldn't help but notice the hundreds of people who were lined up along the fence in hopes of getting a photo or a signature from one of the players as they entered or exited the playing field. They were reaching out for a hero.
   I started thinking about my own heroes, and what qualified them to be a hero in my eyes.  It has nothing to do with wealth, talent, athletic ability, or fame. My heroes are everyday ordinary people who I know personally.....
   My Dad....who lost his own father at the age of 4. Even though he did not have an example of how a father should be, he has excelled in being a father to me and my siblings. He loves unconditionally and continues to be a fountain of resource for us.
   My Granny.... who's husband was killed while fighting in WWII. She pulled on her inner strength and did what she had to do to raise my dad, aunt, and uncle by herself. She worked multiple jobs and became very resourceful with what she had. She was one of the hardest workers I have known.
   My Grandmother... who was born out of wedlock during a time when it was very taboo and left with a family friend to raise. My great grandmother denied her publicly, but my grandma determined in her heart that she was going to show as much love and affection as she could to her own children and grandchildren.
  My brother in law... who despite a painful past is not afraid to share his experiences in order to help another along the journey. He has the heart of a pastor, and even though he was displaced from that position in a horrific manner, he still functions as a pastor. He cares deeply for God's children and pursues them passionately.

  My friend... who lost her father in a farming accident at the age of 6. When he was no longer around to protect her, she endured years of childhood sexual abuse. When she finally revealed the abuse, she was blamed for it. This woman deeply loves her husband and children. She has been a comfort and a huge resource for me when my daughters revealed their own abuse. She has a passion for God and for life that is unmatched.
  My husband... who I see rise to the challenge again and again. Even though I don't always make it easy for him, he loves me in spite of my faults. This man loves all of our children as if we had created them ourselves rather than adopting them. He pushes through physical pain to provide for his family. He gives out of lack. He helps from his heart. He brings me chocolate.....and a card with encouraging words.
  These people are a few of my heroes. They have lived through some really tough places, yet still were (and are) able to love without reservation. They were (and are) Godly examples whether they know it or not. I would rather be in relationship with these people, my heroes, than have all of the autographs and photos of the most famous people in the world!

Transfigured

Today is the Feast of the Transfiguration of The Lord.  The Transfiguration is an important template for my novel, meaning I'm prepared to think about it.  Who was there, why that's important, the collision of Old and New Testaments, the enormity of going off for a hike with Jesus and finding yourself face to face with God.  The surprise factor is one of the aspects of my faith that fights my nature.  I like to see things coming.  The problem is with God you can't.  He reserves the right to be beyond comprehension.  Truth be told he is beyond our understanding by definition.  I don't like the first five minutes of a surprise, but I usually warm up to it, before it's over, especially when it's a new aspect of the unknowable revealed.

The Ties that Bind

Image from: http://www.rgbstock.com/cache1oR94B/users/t/ta/tacluda/300/mAVcl74.jpg

Everything is related:

That is what Family entails

One person’s life winds round another

As the circle grows, the cords weave intricate

Patterns, all somewhere pulling on a heart,

Tying them together as they reach Out to faraway places

Even work for one depends on another

Without that Deference, not born of subjugation

But the never-ending crescendo of Love’s sweet song,

The cord snaps in selfish ambition

And someone is left dangling from a frayed end

Of broken communication and pain

Strong cords Protect those winding through it,

Even as it stretches To the world, From the world

Creating a buffer of encouragement

Comparing  its unique strands to the world weakens the Shield

For as Christ stands between us and God’s Wrath

So the Family should stand between its members

And the fickle, judgmental world’s arrogance,

Which doesn’t care that your family

Is not “most families” in it because

It thinks only of itself, no matter that it doesn't Own you

So no wonder that you don't seem to Belong

Closing the circle against Harm does not mean closing it to Love

For Family is strongest when hearts within are tied to the Savior

And He makes everything fall into place within the Circle of His Hands

The Heart of the Request

We have an 18 month old little sweetheart named Trinity. Whenever Trinity has a request for anything her little heart desires she calls out "Here ya go...Here ya go....Here ya go" with her little pudgy palms up and fingers motioning for the goods to come her way. So when she wakes in the morning she stands at the base of her high chair and bellows "Here ya go..Here ya go". When she notices me take her cup from the fridge she sounds the trumpet of a "Here ya go...Here ya go" While playing ball with one of her older brothers she reminds him of her turn with a "Here ya go...Here ya go" And anytime anyone has any kind of food that has the potential to be appealing to her she makes her way to them "Here ya go...Here ya go...Here ya go". Now, some may say this is a sure sign of a rude untrained child, however when I look at that little pumpkin with her tousled brown curls and her tootsie-pop brown eyes I can see that she means no disrespect...that is just her current language. As her moma, I know and understand what she is saying, and what she is expecting from her request, so I have to remember when there is a new babysitter or visitor that I should explain to them what she is saying so they too can understand her. So she toddles about the house with her little "Here ya go...Here ya go...Here ya go" as she follows me through my daily tasks. How familiar this sounds....We have found ourselves in places in life when we mirror this scenerio with God. We find ourselves having a request, but not the right words. Sometimes we may not even know what we want...we just know it is something only He can provide. Instead of waiting until we have the right words, or the right way to say them, or instead of waiting until we know what we truly desire....we ask. We may say it in the quietness of our hearts, we may speak it aloud among close friends in a prayer time, or we may bellow it out in desperation. Then we may think to ourselves, Oh if I only made my request in a better way, in a more delicate manner, in a more urgent way...maybe then God would have known what I meant. But no, God knows. He not only can see into our big hopeful eyes, but He can also peer directly into our hearts. So don't feel the burden of selfishness sneaking up on you when you feel the urge to request the desires of your heart.  And if you may not feel like you have the right eloquent words to say, go ahead and ask anyway....ask in your language...ask from your heart.  God knows your heart and is the only one who can answer your request.

Little Ears

Prior to having children I listened to a contemporary Christian radio station whenever I was driving. When my eldest was a toddler she expressed a strong preference for VeggieTales cd's. We began listening to those instead of the radio when I was driving. It was a tough switch for me because listening to Bob and Larry sing song after song literally gave me a headache. Eventually I was able to listen to the singing cucumber without getting a headache, but I still would have preferred to listen to the radio. After a steady diet of their cd's for a few years, I started listening to the radio again sometimes when we are in the van together. I falsely assumed that it was strictly for my benefit and thought it was just background noise to my little ones. My three-year-old son often sings while he plays. Several times this summer as I have listened to him singing, I realized that the lyrics he was singing, such as "You are wanted," were from songs the radio station played. Although we listen to a variety of secular music - from preschool songs to patriotic songs to musicals such as "Annie" and "Mary Poppins," most of the songs we listen to are teaching my children about the Lord and the truths contained in the Scriptures. This is one way to follow the instruction given in Deuteronomy 11:18, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads."