Success?

     I just watched my husband walk out the door bearing the weight of discouragement on his broad shoulders.  Six years ago he was in the hospital recovering from the second surgery that was just one of the results of a 3 story fall (that is not a typo) from a ladder while he was working.  At the time, we had a thriving business and in the eyes of many, we appeared successful.  That split second changed everything.
     Hours of uncertainty led to weeks of painful surgeries and then to months of physical therapy.  I was told by the surgeon following his first surgery that when his arm was opened up, it looked like his elbow had exploded inside and that there was little chance of him regaining use of his arm. But that surgeon did not know the man he was dealing with.....
     I have watched this stubborn man push through immense physical pain just to prove that the doctors were wrong.  I walked with him through the frustration of him not even being able to dress himself. When our workers failed to do their job and our business was threatened, I pleaded with him as he made a makeshift sling and tied his equipment into his hand and went out to do the job himself.
    Fast forward to today...... He has been in the midst of an inevitable major change in occupation.  This has required him to stretch beyond the comfortable and return to the classroom, learn computer skills, and test Test TEST!  He sees struggle. I see courage.  He sees failure.  I see focus.  He sees weakness.  I see determination.  He sees a set back.  I watch him rise to the challenge.  When I look at my husband struggling in all of this, I see the characteristics of the God who created him.  And if that isn't success, I don't know what is.

Strength

There have been moments in my life where I felt I was in over my head. Although I had a master's degree in school administration, I was not expecting to become a school principal at the age of 24 with only four years of experience as a middle school teacher. I wondered how my teachers would feel to have their boss be so much younger than they were. Similarly, I kept turning down requests to direct the adult choir at church because I did not feel I had the professional training to take on such a task. I just wanted to continue singing alto in the choir. When I did accept these responsibilities, it forced me to my knees. I prayed that the Lord would strengthen me and give me the wisdom I so desperately needed. As Paul said, "when I am weak, then I am strong." I am so grateful that the Lord puts me in these situations where I am keenly aware of my dependence on Him. What a blessed promise is given in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Hush, Now

At the beginning of the past few years, our pastor has encouraged each of us to ask the Lord to give us a word for the year, and then to seek Him regarding that word.  My words have been "Focus", "Intimacy", and this year I have been hearing "Be Still".  Anyone who knows me well must be chuckling at this, as I have a tendency to hit the ground running and not stop until I collapse into bed, only to repeat the cycle the next day (I refer to this as "mach 2 with hair on fire").

In finally sitting and quieting my soul, I am beginning to see that all of these words speak a similar theme to me, and they all have to do with relationship; an intimate, focused relationship with the Creator of the Universe and the Lover of my soul...

The Gift.

When thoughts turn frightening, sleep.
When the weight carries on too long, sleep.
When burdens not meant for me I carry, sleep.
To the morning of a fresh new day, wake.
To the helping hand of Father God, wake.
To the boundless joys of everafters, wake.
                   
                       I wake for Hope.

A Choice for Life

I was married at barely 20. Then divorced 2 years later.
I was single, young & attractive. A month later, I was pregnant.
The father told me to have an abortion. I forcefully said,
I will not stand before a Holy God one day and say,
I killed your creation because it was inconvenient at the time.
I decided to give this child a mother and father that had both
the means and maturity, to give them, what they needed.
I simply knew, adoption was the best situation for both of us.

By law, a birth-mother cannot sign papers until 72 hours

after the birth of their child. This imperative fact was not told to me,

until after the birth. I was without a child car seat, any baby clothes
or diapers. Also, my hormones, stress & emotions were intense.
As far as I knew, he was to go home with his adoptive parents.
Because I had an emergency Cesarean section, I stayed in the hospital
For two and a half days. Otherwise I would have had to take my son
home, or, I would have been charged with abandonment.

This was one of several situations, God resolved ahead of time.
I signed the papers, just ink & paper. Then afterwards, 

I gave my first born son to his joy filled adoptive parents,

then looked at my own, now empty lap, my heart sunk. 

It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but it was best for him. 

Flag of Surrender

We have all been there

We’ve all had those days

When we wonder what just happened

Exhausted, drug down and beat up

Ready to wave that white flag of surrender

Wondering if we can ever trust again

Too tired to fight

Too devastated to feel

Just as our arms stretch out to raise that white flag

Then Christ….

Christ takes that surrender and wraps it across our shoulders like fine linen

Christ will defend when we cannot speak

Christ will carry, when we are too weak

Christ will guide when we cannot see through the fog

Christ will give peace in His embrace

In the Empty

Dandelions roar in forsaken places--
Stubbornly converting radiation into bloom.
Where cultivated flowers wither
The dandelion shouts.
"We are not forgotten.
We are not abandoned.
We are not alone.
If 2 dead fish can feed 5,000
We can reproduce 100 fold."

Mothers...Do

Mothers...Do

Mothers don’t do it for the respect.  As soon as you become a mother, you drop down the pecking order of the world by at least half.  Open criticism, arrogant put-downs, and degrading assumptions are the norm.  People assume you are lacking in intelligence, the more children you have.  Even when expecting, total strangers and especially cashiers feel they suddenly have the right to voice their opinions on motherhood, some attempting to touch your tummy at the same time they criticize having kids in the first place. The world will not rise up and call you blessed.

Mothers don’t do it for the glory.  Constant responsibility, irrational uprisings from people of all sizes, the chaotic circus of stress often becomes an unrequested part of daily routine, as if all troubles are drawn to the magnet of Mom to attempt to solve the unsolvable.  Bodily functions are your special domain, and being covered in dirty substances you cannot identify is just part of your uniform.  Bathroom breaks are opportunities for total destruction to occur (how COULD you not be there for two minutes!) and hot bubble baths with lovely aromas are fond dreams of a great reward. 

Mothers don’t do it for the money or an easy life.  Let it be said that all mothers work.  All simply do not get paid.  Sadly, it is women themselves who are the harshest critics of those who are at home with their family, inside the church as well as outside.  Women need to give each other a break, and admit that even children over the age of five need their parents.  Many children with special needs look normal, and many moms save more money by being there than they would make outside the home.  If you have a job, don’t feel guilty, so that you must put down those who work at home as if you chose correctly and they didn’t.  They know you are trying to be there for your kids too, and they are not pointing fingers at you. The celebration of the complex differences in every person’s life should not end at “mom.”  Unfounded guilt comes with the territory and should be squelched as it pops up like whack-o-mole.

Mothers do it for the children.  They’ll do almost anything, endure whatever it takes for a hug from little arms, for small hands in theirs and Trust looking up at them.  “I love you” is better than a raise, and watching your child learn, grow and succeed is an ultimate thrill.  Mothers love fiercely, unselfishly, eternally with a love deeper than they knew possible.  They also hurt deeper than ever before, but they will tell you it’s worth every pain, every sacrifice.  They nurture, love, and learn at least as much as they teach…until they have to learn to let go.  They have to step aside and let their children fail, so they can make their own choices.  However, they still want to be there to help pick up the pieces, if only to spend a bit more time with that person.  A child’s broken heart is also felt by Mom, even when a teen declares, “You couldn’t possibly understand!” From the “I love you” of “Pick up your dirty socks!” to the “I love you” of “Goodbye—and call if you need anything!” it only grows deeper.   Mothers don’t ever stop being who they are, with hearts tied permanently to other hearts, thankful for the Creator’s gift of life.  

Mothers often won’t answer if asked, “How do you do it?” It’s like asking, “How do you live? How do you breathe?” They’re busy doing it while you ask, gladly and until life’s final dance.